Joke of the Day

[Gussy]

Early One Morning



Early one morning, an elderly retired Navy fighter pilot yelled to his wife... "Honey! Come see what I created! It's an abstract panorama depicting the five years of the Obama presidency!"



She yelled back, "Flush the toilet and come eat your breakfast."

[Steve Rhoades]

JIM KIDWELL

[Jim Kidwell]

Rhoades,

I have always told people you had a sense of humor and somewhat of a personality. ....................................Jim

[Steve Rhoades]

Michele Obama tells her husband she is tired of looking at the wart on his nose and he needs to go to the doctor and get it removed.
Obama is in the doctors office and the doctor comes in.
The doctor says "what the problem"?
The wart says "get this growth off my ass"!

[PLM]

Two fishing buddies got a tip about a small and secluded lake where the fishing was reported to be great.
On the first morning out they decided to start on the North shore. After several hours of having no bites at all, they had noticed an old woman on the South bank catching fish like crazy. Disgusted, they went home.
On the second morning thinking the old woman must have been in the hot spot, they went to the South shore. Again, after several hours of catching no fish and watching the same old woman catching plenty on the East shore, they gave up and went home.
On the third morning, you guessed it, they went to the East shore. After a short while not even getting a bite and watching the old woman catching them regularly on the West shore, they gave up and decided to ask the old woman her secret.
After walking around to where she was they asked if she would share her secret. "No problem sweetie" she says "When I get up in the morning, I raise the covers and see which way my husband's pecker is laying. If it's to the left, I fish the East side of the lake, if it's to the right, I fish the West side. If it's straight down, I go to the South end". So one of the guys says "Okay, I get it. So if it's pointing straight up, you fish the North side, right?" "No sweetie, on those mornings I stay home".

[Woody]

A Japanese couple is in an argument over ways to experience highly erotic sex.

Husband says: "Sukitak..."

Wife replies: Kowanini.

Husband says: Toka a anji rodi roumi yakoo!

Wife on her knees literally begging: Mimi nakoundinda tinkouji!

Husband replies angrily: Na miaou kina tim kouji!

And YOU just sit there, reading this shit as if you understand Japanese!

Woody

[centerhold]

One snowy winter’s day at the White House the Secret Service discovered that someone had urinated on the front lawn. To add to the insult they had spelled out the words: ”F@ck President Obama” .

When informed of this outrage President Obama was understandably upset – not only over the obvious insult but also the apparent breakdown in security. He ordered an immediate investigation.

Several days later the chief of the Secret Service phoned the president with a “bad news/worse news” update.

“Give me the bad news” the president said.

“We’ve finished the analysis of the urine and it’s Joe Biden’s – your vice-president”.

“I knew it!” exclaimed the president. “I’ve never really trusted that guy – what’ the worse news?”

“Our experts tell me that it’s Michele’s handwriting”.

[jackrabbit]

Daddy is a gay dancer

A fourth-grade teacher asked the children what their fathers did for a living.
All the typical answers came up - fireman, mechanic, businessman, car
salesman... and so forth.

However, little Justin was being uncharacteristically quiet, so when the
teacher prodded him about his father, he replied, "My father's an exotic
dancer in a gay cabaret and takes off all his clothes to music in front of
other men and they put money in his underwear. Sometimes, if the offer is
really good, he will go home with some guy and stay with him all night for
money."

The teacher, obviously shaken by this statement, hurriedly set the other
children to work on some exercises and took little Justin aside. "Is that
really true about your father?" "No," the boy said, "He works for the
Democratic National Committee and helped to get Obama re-elected, but it's too
embarrassing to say that in front of the other kids."

[TexasMac]

A man received the following text from his neighbor:

“I am so sorry Bob. I've been riddled with guilt and I have to confess. I have been tapping your wife, day and night, when you're not around. I can no longer live with the guilt and I hope you will accept my sincerest apology with my promise that it won't happen again.”

The man, anguished and betrayed, went into his bedroom, grabbed his gun, and without a word shot his wife and killed her. A few moments later a second text came in: “Damn ‘Auto Correct’. I meant ‘WiFi’, not ‘wife’.

[Gussy]

A flashlight:

The ultimately designed place to store dead batteries.

[JCP]

The only cow in a small town in Missouri stopped giving milk.

The people did some research and found they could buy a cow up in Stillwater, Minnesota for $200.00.

They bought the cow from Minnesota and the cow was wonderful. It produced lots of milk all of the time,and the people were pleased and very happy.

They decided to acquire a bull to mate with the cow and produce more cows like it. They would never have to worry about their milk supply again.

They bought a bull and put it in the pasture with their beloved cow.

However, whenever the bull came close to the cow, the cow would move away. No matter what approach the bull tried, the cow would move away from the bull and he could not succeed in his quest.

The people were very upset and decided to ask the vet, who was very wise, what to do.

They told the vet what was happening. "Whenever the bull approaches our cow, she moves away. If he approaches from the back, she moves forward. When he approaches her from the front, she backs off. An approach from the side and she walks away to the other side."

The vet thought about this for a minute and asked, "Did you buy this cow in Minnesota?"

The people were dumbfounded, since they had never mentioned where they bought the cow.

"You are truly a wise vet," they said. "How did you know we got the cow in Minnesota?"

The Vet replied with a distant look in his eye, "My wife is from Minnesota."

[Gussy]

During a good manners and etiquette class being held for young children, the teacher says to her students:

"If you were courting a well educated young girl from a prominent family and during a dinner for two you needed to go to the toilet, what would you say to her?"

Mike replies: "Wait a minute, I'm going for a wizz."

The teacher says: "That would be very rude and improper on your part."

Charlie replies: "I'm sorry I need to go to the toilet, I'll be back in a minute."

The teacher says: "That's much better but to mention the word ''toilet'' during a meal, is unpleasant."

And Little Johnny says: "My dear, please excuse me for a moment. I have to go shake hands with a personal friend, whom, I hope to be able to introduce to you after dinner."

[Straightneck]

Bad Johnny on a day in 5th grade English class (for the 4th time)

The teacher tells the class she is going to give each student a word or phrase and they must stand before the class and use it in a sentence.

Bad Johnny's turn comes and the word given is Horticulture.

He looks down shakes his head then looks back at the teacher and says;

if-in my Mamma hears bout this Pa gonna whop me good but alls I kin thinka is whut Pa said afta he and Ma was arguin----- here goes

Ya can lead a whore to culture but ya cain't make her think

[battleship gunner]

3 dogs are at the Vet and start talking about why they're there. First dog asks to the second dog why he's here and he says he's been running all over the house uncontrolled, so what are they going to do about it and he says I'm going to be neutered. Then the first dog asks the third dog why he's here and he says he's been peeing in the house, so what are they going to do about it and he says I'm going to be neutered. The second dog asks the first dog why he's here and he says he was watching his masters wife taking a shower and when she came out dropped her towel and bent over to pick it up he saw an opportunity and went over to her and took care of business, so you're here to be neutered too and he says nope I'm here to have my nails clipped.

My long distance provider is Sharps.
Frank

[jackrabbit]

Remember when Playboy magazine reportedly offered Sarah Palin $4,000,000 to pose nude in an upcoming issue?

Then Michelle Obama was offered $50 by National Geographic?

And when KFC offered a "Hillary" meal, consisting of two small breasts and two large thighs?

Now KFC is offering the "Obama Cabinet Bucket." It consists of nothing but left wings and chicken shit.

Just keeping you up to date.....
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