Joke of the Day

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John Bly
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Location: Stephens City, VA

Re: Joke of the Day

Post by John Bly »

Top 10 reasons men prefer guns to women
#10 You can trade an old .44 for a new .22
#9 You can keep one gun at home and have another for when you are on the road
#8 If you admire a friend's gun and tell him so, he will probably let you try it out a few times
#7 Your primary gun doesn't mind if you keep another gun for backup
#6 Your gun will stay with you even if you run out of ammo
#5 A gun doesn't take up a lot of closet space
#4 Guns function normally every day of the month
#3 A gun doesn't ask "Do these grips make me look fat?"
#2 A gun doesn't mind if you go to sleep after using it.
And the #1 reason a gun is favored over a woman
#1 YOU CAN BUY A SILENCER FOR A GUN!
"Perfection consists not so much in doing extraordinary things as in doing ordinary things extraordinarily well"
johnl
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Re: Joke of the Day

Post by johnl »

Political Science for Dummies

DEMOCRAT

You have two cows.
Your neighbor has none.
You feel guilty for being successful.
You push for higher taxes so the government can provide cows for everyone.

REPUBLICAN

You have two cows.
Your neighbor has none.
So?

SOCIALIST

You have two cows.
The government takes one and gives it to your neighbor.
You form a cooperative to tell him how to manage his cow.

COMMUNIST

You have two cows.
The government seizes both and provides you with milk.
You wait in line for hours to get it.
It is expensive and sour.

CAPITALISM, AMERICAN STYLE

You have two cows.
You sell one, buy a bull, and build a herd of cows.

BUREAUCRACY, AMERICAN STYLE

You have two cows.
Under the new farm program the government pays you to shoot one, milk the other, and then pours the milk down the drain.

AMERICAN CORPORATION

You have two cows.
You sell one, lease it back to yourself and do an IPO on the 2nd one.
You force the two cows to produce the milk of four cows.
You are surprised when one cow drops dead.
You spin an announcement to the analysts stating you have downsized and are reducing expenses.
Your stock goes up.

FRENCH CORPORATION

You have two cows.
You go on strike because you want three cows.
You go to lunch and drink wine.
Life is good.

JAPANESE CORPORATION

You have two cows.
You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk.
They learn to travel on unbelievably crowded trains.
Most are at the top of their class at cow school.

GERMAN CORPORATION

You have two cows.
You engineer them so they are all blond, drink lots of beer, give excellent quality milk, and run a hundred miles an hour.
Unfortunately they also demand 13 weeks of vacation per year.

ITALIAN CORPORATION

You have two cows but you don't know where they are.
You break for lunch.
Life is good.

RUSSIAN CORPORATION

You have two cows.
You have some vodka.
You count them and learn you have five cows.
You have some more vodka.
You count them again and learn you have 42 cows.
The Mafia shows up and takes over however many cows you really have.

TALIBAN CORPORATION

You have all the cows in Afghanistan , which are two.
You don't milk them because you cannot touch any creature's private parts.
You get a $40 million grant from the US government to find alternatives to milk production but use the money to buy weapons.

IRAQI CORPORATION

You have two cows.
They go into hiding.
They send radio tapes of their mooing.


POLISH CORPORATION

You have two bulls.
Employees are regularly maimed and killed attempting to milk them.

BELGIAN CORPORATION

You have one cow.
The cow is schizophrenic.
Sometimes the cow thinks he's French, other times he's Flemish.
The Flemish cow won't share with the French cow.
The French cow wants control of the Flemish cow's milk.
The cow asks permission to be cut in half.
The cow dies happy.

FLORIDA CORPORATION

You have a black cow and a brown cow.
Everyone votes for the best looking one.
Some of the people who actually like the brown one best accidentally vote for the black one..
Some people vote for both.
Some people vote for neither.
Some people can't figure out how to vote at all.
Finally, a bunch of guys from out-of-state tell you which one you think is the best looking cow.

CALIFORNIA CORPORATION

You have millions of cows.
They make real California cheese.
Only five speak English.
Most are illegal.
Arnold likes the ones with the big udders.
TexasMac
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Re: Joke of the Day

Post by TexasMac »

RODENT REMOVAL DATE

In this crazy political season I decided a little religion might be appropriate so here is a short Bible study.

Remember what is said in Matthew 25:33: “He will put the sheep on his right and the goats on his left.

In John 21:6 Jesus said, “Throw your net on the right side of the boat and you will find some.” When they did, they were unable to haul the net in because of the large number of fish."

Origin of Left & Right...I have often wondered why it is that Conservatives are called the "right" and Liberals are called the "left".

By chance I stumbled upon this verse in the Bible:
Ecclesiastes 10:2 - "A wise man’s heart inclines to the right, but the heart of a fool to the left."
It surely can't get any simpler than that.

Spelling Lesson:
The last four letters in American..........I Can
The last four letters in Republican....... I Can
The last four letters in Democrats........ Rats

End of lesson! ...Test to follow in November 2020.
Remember, November 2020 is to be set aside as rodent removal month.
Please share this with all your friends and email buddies to help achieve that goal.
Never grow a wishbone where a backbone ought to be…
NRA Life (Benefactor & President's Council) Member, TSRA Life Member, NSSF Member, Author & Publisher of the Browning BPCR book
http://www.texas-mac.com
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desert deuce
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Re: Joke of the Day

Post by desert deuce »

Joe wanted to buy a motorbike. He doesn't have much luck until one day, he comes across a Harley with a 'for sale' sign on it.

The bike seems even better than a new one, although it is 10 years old. It is shiny and in absolute mint condition.

He immediately buys it, and asks the seller how he kept it in such great condition for 10 years.

'Well, it's quite simple, really,' says the seller, 'whenever the bike is outside and it's gonna rain, rub Vaseline on the chrome. It protects it from the rain.'

And he hands Joe a jar of Vaseline.

That night, his girlfriend, Sandra, invites him over to meet her parents. Naturally, they take the bike there.

But just before they enter the house, Sandra stops him and says, 'I have to tell you something about my family before we go in.'

'When we eat dinner, we don't talk. In fact, the first person who says anything during dinner has to do the dishes.'

'No problem,' he says. And in they go.

Joe is shocked. Right smack in the middle of the living room is a huge stack of dirty dishes.

In the kitchen is another huge stack of dishes. Piled up on the stairs, in the corridor, everywhere he looks, dirty dishes.

They sit down to dinner and, sure enough, no one says a word.

As dinner progresses, Joe decides to take advantage of the situation.

So he leans over and kisses Sandra.

No one says a word.

So he reaches over and fondles her breasts.

Still, nobody says a word. So he stands up, grabs her, rips her clothes off, throws her on the table, and screws her right there, in front of her parents.

His girlfriend is a little flustered, her dad is obviously livid, and her mom horrified when he sits back down, but no one says a word.

He looks at her mom..

'She's got a great body,' he thinks.

So he grabs the mom, bends her over the dinner table, pulls down her panties, and screws her every which way right there on the dinner table. After she has a big orgasm, he sits down again.

Now his girlfriend is furious and her dad is boiling, the Mom is pleasantly beaming.
But still, Total silence.

All of a sudden there is a loud clap of thunder, and it starts to rain.

Joe remembers his bike, so he pulls the jar of Vaseline from his pocket...

Suddenly the father shouted....

'I'll do the fucking dishes!
Sometimes you get the chicken, and sometimes you get the feathers!
Gussy
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Re: Joke of the Day

Post by Gussy »

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Woody
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Re: Joke of the Day

Post by Woody »

Only one egg?

Woody
Richard A. Wood
If you are surrounded. You are in a target rich environment.
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Shadow 4
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Re: Joke of the Day

Post by Shadow 4 »

Guns are always better with bacon :D
And two over easy
Cowards rule the world these days.
Coward rules & coward customs
To succeed today, all you've got to know is how to blame & how to complain
Griff
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Re: Joke of the Day

Post by Griff »

I always carry a deck of cards when I go out in the woods. That way if I get lost, I just sit down and start playing solitaire. Within a couple of minutes, there will be someone looking over my shoulder saying, "put the black seven on the red eight." Then they can show me the way out. Works every time.

Griff
Dangerous Freedom
TexasMac
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Re: Joke of the Day

Post by TexasMac »

Gussy,

Although we have plenty of o'possums around, in Texas it would likely be an armadillo in the middle of the road which, BTW, is the Texas State Small Mammal. If you're wondering what the Texas State Large Mammal is, it's the longhorn of course. :roll:

I grew up on a Central Texas farm catching armadillos for fun. Knowing that some people eat them I caught one a few years ago, field dressed it and put it in the freezer. Prior to cooking it I found out they sometimes carry leprosy (aka Hansen's disease), so it was disposed of. I understand that cooking one correctly will kill the disease but I was not willing to take a chance. For those of you reading this that are from the south and consume armadillo, you might be interested in reading this: https://www.foodsafetynews.com/2011/05/ ... y-leprosy/

BTW, when cooked some people refer to armadillo as 'possum on the half shell. And southerners do eat 'possum as well but I understand it is pretty greasy. So you never know what's in that Texas chili. :lol:

Wayne
NRA Life (Benefactor & President's Council) Member, TSRA Life Member, NSSF Member, Author & Publisher of the Browning BPCR book
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johnl
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Re: Joke of the Day

Post by johnl »

A married Irishman went into the confessional and said to his priest, 'I almost had an affair with another woman.'

The priest said, 'What do you mean, almost?'

The Irishman said, 'Well, we got undressed and rubbed together, but then I stopped.'

The priest said, 'Rubbing together is the same as putting it in. You're not to see that woman again. For your penance, say five Hail Mary's and put £50 in the poor box.'

The Irishman left the confessional, said his prayers, and then walked over to the poor box.

He paused for a moment and then started to leave.

The priest, who was watching, quickly ran over to him saying, 'I saw that. You didn't put any money in the poor box!'

The Irishman replied, 'Yeah, but I rubbed the £50 on the box, and according to you, that's the same as putting it in!'
TexasMac
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Re: Joke of the Day

Post by TexasMac »

Flann O'Toole, a furniture dealer from Dublin, decided to expand the line of furniture in his store, so he decided to go to Paris to see what he could find. After arriving in Paris, he visited with some manufacturers and selected a line that he thought would sell well back home. To celebrate the new acquisition, he decided to visit a small bistro and have a glass of wine.

As he sat enjoying his wine, he noticed that the small place was quite crowded, and the other chair at his table was the only vacant seat in the house.

Before long, a very beautiful young Parisian girl came to his table and asked him something in French (which Flann could not understand), so he motioned to the vacant chair and invited her to sit down. He tried to speak to her in English, but she did not speak his language. After a couple of minutes of trying to communicate with her, he took a napkin and drew a picture of a wine glass and showed it to her. She nodded, so he ordered a glass of wine for her.

After sitting together at the table for a while, he took another napkin, and drew a picture of a plate with food on it, and she nodded. They left the bistro and found a quiet cafe that featured a small group playing romantic music.

They ordered dinner, after which he took another napkin and drew a picture of a couple dancing. She nodded, and they got up to dance. They danced until the cafe closed and the band was packing up.

Back at their table, the young lady took a napkin and drew a picture of a four-poster bed.

To this day, Flann has no idea how she figured out he was in the furniture business.
:lol:
NRA Life (Benefactor & President's Council) Member, TSRA Life Member, NSSF Member, Author & Publisher of the Browning BPCR book
http://www.texas-mac.com
TexasMac
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Re: Joke of the Day

Post by TexasMac »

A local TV station was interviewing an 80-year-old lady because she had just gotten married for the fourth time. The interviewer asked her questions about her life, about what it felt like to be marrying again at 80, and then about her new husband's occupation. "He's a funeral director", she answered.

"Interesting," the news person thought.

He then asked her if she wouldn't mind telling him a little about her first three husbands and what they did for a living. She paused for a few moments, needing time to reflect on all those years. After a short time, a smile came to her face and she answered proudly, explaining that she had first married a banker when she was in her 20's, then a circus ringmaster when in her 40's, and a preacher when in her 60's, and now - in her 80's - a funeral director.

The interviewer looked at her, quite astonished, and asked why she had married four men with such diverse careers.

(Wait for it)


(Wait for it)


She smiled and explained, "I married one for the money, two for the show, three to get ready, and four to go!"

GROAN!!!

(Oh, just hush and laugh. You know it was funny.)
NRA Life (Benefactor & President's Council) Member, TSRA Life Member, NSSF Member, Author & Publisher of the Browning BPCR book
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johnl
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Re: Joke of the Day

Post by johnl »

The Good and the Bad of Baseball!
Buddies


Two 90-year old guys, Leo and Frank, had been friends all of their lives. When it was clear that Leo was dying, Frank visited him every day.

One day Frank said, "Leo, we both loved playing baseball all our lives, and we played all through high school. Please do me one favor: when you
get to heaven, somehow you must let me know if there's baseball there."

Leo looked up at Frank from his deathbed and said, "Frank you've been my best friend for many years. If it's at all possible, I'll do this favor for you."

Shortly after that, Leo passed away. A few nights later, Frank was awakened from a sound sleep by a blinding flash of white light and a voice calling
out to him, "Frank ... Frank."

"Who is it?" asked Frank sitting up suddenly. "Who is it?"

"Leo … it's me, Leo."

You're not Leo, Leo just died."

"I'm telling you, it's me, Leo," insisted the voice

"Leo! … Where are you?"

"In Heaven," replied Leo. "I have some really good news and a little bad news."

"Tell me the good news first," said Frank.

"The good news," Leo said, "is that there's baseball in heaven. Better yet, all of our old buddies who died before us are here too. Better than that,
we're all young again. Better still, it's always springtime, and it never rains or snows. And best of all, we can play baseball all we want, and we never
get tired."

"That's fantastic," said Frank. "It's beyond my wildest dreams!

So what's the bad news?"

"You're pitching Tuesday."
James
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Re: Joke of the Day

Post by James »

It’s easy for anyone to know the world is round, if it was flat cats would of knocked every thing off the edge by now.
There’s no horse so dead it can’t be beat a bit more.
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powderburner
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Re: Joke of the Day

Post by powderburner »

Last Saturday afternoon in Washington, D.C., an aide to Nancy Pelosi visited the Cardinal of the Catholic Cathedral.
He told the Cardinal that Nancy Pelosi would be attending Sunday's Mass and asked if the Cardinal would
kindly point out Pelosi to the congregation and say a few words that would include calling her a saint.

The Cardinal replied, "No. I don't really like the woman,
and there are issues of conflict with the Catholic Church over most of Pelosi's views."

Pelosi's aide said,
"Look, I'll write a check here and now for a donation of $100,000
if you'll just tell the congregation you see Pelosi as a saint."

The Cardinal thought about it and said,
"Well, the Church can use the money,
so I'll work your request into tomorrow's sermon."

As Pelosi's aide promised, Nancy appeared for the Sunday worship
and seated herself prominently at the forward left side of the center aisle.
As promised, at the start of his sermon, …..the Cardinal pointed out that Ms. Pelosi was present.

The Cardinal went on to explain to the congregation;
"While Ms. Pelosi's presence is probably an honor to some,
the woman is not numbered among my personal favorite personages.
……Some of her most egregious views are contrary to tenets of the Church,
and she tends to flip-flop on many other issues.
……Nancy Pelosi is a petty, self-absorbed hypocrite, a drunken thumb-sucker, and a nit-wit.
……Nancy Pelosi is also a serial liar, a cheat, and a thief. I must say,
……Nancy Pelosi is the worst example of a Catholic I have ever personally witnessed.
……She married for money and is using her wealth to lie to the American people.
……She also has a reputation for evading her Representative obligations both in Washington and in California.
Just look at the streets in her San Francisco district! ………..feces everywhere.
The woman is simply not to be trusted."

The Cardinal concluded.
“But, when compared with Hillary Clinton,
Ms. Pelosi is a saint."
Dean Becker
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