Joke of the Day

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TexasMac
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Re: Joke of the Day

Post by TexasMac »

Turn the sound on & click on the following link.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=H3VLqLLWxbQ
NRA Life (Benefactor & President's Council) Member, TSRA Life Member, NSSF Member, Author & Publisher of the Browning BPCR book
http://www.texas-mac.com
SFogler
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Re: Joke of the Day

Post by SFogler »

Best one yet!!!!
johnl
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Re: Joke of the Day

Post by johnl »

A GOLFER'S LOVE STORY

An elderly couple were having dinner one evening when the husband reached across the table, took his wife's hand in his and said, "Martha, soon we will be married 50 years, and there's something I have to know. In all of these 50 years, have you ever been unfaithful to me?"

Martha replied, "Well Henry, I have to be honest with you. Yes, I've been unfaithful to you three times during these 50 years, but always for a good reason.

Henry was obviously hurt by his wife's confession, but said, "I never suspected. Can you tell me what you mean by 'good reasons?' "

Martha said, "The first time was shortly after we were married, and we were about to lose our little house because we couldn't pay the mortgage. Do you remember that evening I went to see the banker and the next day he notified you that the loan would be extended?"

Henry recalled the visit to the banker and said, "I can forgive you for that. You saved our home, but what about the second time?"

Martha asked, "Do you remember when you were so sick, but we didn't have the money to pay for the heart surgery you needed? Well, I went to see your doctor one night and, if you recall, he did the surgery at no charge."

"I recall that," said Henry. "And you did it to save my life, so of course I can forgive you for that. Now tell me about the third time."

"All right," Martha said. "So do you remember when you ran for president of your golf club, and you needed 53 more votes?"
johnl
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Re: Joke of the Day

Post by johnl »

After having their 11th child, an Alabama couple decided that was enough (they could not afford a larger trailer after all).
So, the husband went to his doctor (who also treated mules) and told him that he and his wife/cousin didn't want to have any more children.

The doctor told him that there was a procedure called a vasectomy that could fix the problem but it is expensive. The doctor said there is also a less expensive procedure and instructed him to go home, get a cherry bomb, light it, put it inside a beer can, then hold the can up to his ear and count to 10.

The Alabamian said to the doctor "I may not be the smartest man, but don't see how putting a cherry bomb in a beer can next to my ear is going to help me?"

So, the couple drove to Georgia to get a second opinion.

The Georgian physician was just about to tell them about the procedure for a vasectomy when he noticed that they were from Alabama.

This doctor instead told the man to go home and get a cherry bomb, light it, place it in a beer can, hold it to his ear and count to 10.


Figuring that both learned physicians couldn't be wrong, the man went home, lit a cherry bomb and put it in a beer can.


He held the can up to his ear and began to count. "1.. 2.. 3.. 4.. 5.." at which point he paused, placed the beer can between his legs and resumed counting on his other hand.
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desert deuce
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Re: Joke of the Day

Post by desert deuce »

A quiet day at the Pharmacy as an attractive well dressed lady walks up to the drop off prescriptions counter and addresses the Pharmacist.

He asks if he can help her and she hands him a slip of paper with ARSENIC written on it and asks for two ounces of arsenic.

The Pharmacist looks looks quizzically at her, then looks back at the slip of paper and says, "I am sorry but we cannot fill this prescription. May I ask why you want two ounces of arsenic.

The woman plainly states that she wants to poison her husband as she reaches into her purse and hands over to the Pharmacist a photograph of her husband and the Pharmacists wife in a bed having sex. The woman says, this is my husband.

The Pharmacist takes the photograph in hand and after studying it carefully turns away and says, OK, just a minute I didn't realize you had a prescription.
Sometimes you get the chicken, and sometimes you get the feathers!
Gussy
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Re: Joke of the Day

Post by Gussy »

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Kitsap
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Re: Joke of the Day

Post by Kitsap »

You know you are getting old when you use a fly swatter to chase a fly for fifteen minutes before you realize it was a floater!
johnl
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Re: Joke of the Day

Post by johnl »

Tiger woods wouldn't do that.


On the first night of their honeymoon, the new bride tells her husband, "I have a confession to make. I'm not a virgin. I've been with one other guy."

"Oh yeah? Who was the guy?" "Tiger Woods, the golfer."

"Well, he's rich, famous and handsome. I can understand that."

The couple then makes passionate love.

When they finish, the husband gets up and walks to the telephone.

"What are you doing?" asks the wife.

"I'm hungry. I'm calling room service."

"Tiger wouldn't do that."

"Oh yeah? What would Tiger do?"

"He'd come back to bed and do it a second time."

The husband drops the phone and makes love to his wife a second time.

When they finish, he goes back to the phone.

"What are you doing now?" she asks.

"I'm still hungry, so I'm going to ring room service for some food."

"Tiger wouldn't do that."

"Oh yeah? What would Tiger do?"

"He'd come back to bed and do it one more time."

The husband puts the phone down and heads back to bed.

Exhausted after the third lovemaking session, he shuffles back to the phone and starts to dial.

The wife asks, "Are you calling room service?"

"No! I'm calling Tiger Woods to find out what's par for this hole!"
johnl
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Re: Joke of the Day

Post by johnl »

Gray Hair & all . . .
After nearly 40 years of marriage, Charlie and his wife were lying in bed. Suddenly the wife felt Charlie begin to massage her in ways he hadn't done in quite some time.
It almost tickled as his fingers started at her neck, and then began moving down past the small of her back. He then caressed her shoulders and neck, slowly worked his hand down, stopping just over her stomach. He then proceeded to place his hand on her left inner arm, working down her side, passing gently over her buttock and down her leg to her calf.

Then, he proceeded up her thigh, stopping just at the uppermost portion of her leg. He continued in the same manner on her right side then suddenly stopped, rolled over and became silent.

As she had become quite aroused by this caressing, she asked in a loving voice, “Honey, that was wonderful. Why did you stop?
To which he responded, “I found the remote." :lol:
johnl
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Re: Joke of the Day

Post by johnl »

Ed came home drunk one night, slid into bed beside his sleeping wife, and fell into a deep slumber.

He awoke before the Pearly Gates, where St. Peter said "You died in your sleep, Ed".


Ed was stunned. "I'm dead? No, I can't be! I've got too much to live for. Send me back!"


St. Peter said "I'm sorry, but there's only one way you can go back... and that is as a chicken".


Ed was devastated, but begged St. Peter to send him to a farm near his home.

The next thing he knew, he was covered with feathers, clucking and pecking the ground.


A rooster strolled past. "So, you're the new hen, huh? How's your first day here?"


"Not bad" replied Ed the hen "but I have this strange feeling inside. Like I'm gonna explode!"


"You're ovulating" explained the rooster. "Don't tell me you've never laid an egg before?"


"Never" said Ed.


"Well, just relax and let it happen" says the rooster. "It's no big deal".


He did, and a few uncomfortable seconds later, out popped an egg! He was overcome with emotion as he experienced motherhood. He soon laid another egg - his joy was overwhelming.


As he was about to lay his third egg, he felt a smack on the back of his head, and heard...


"Ed, wake up! You've shit the bed!"


Getting OLD just aint what they said it would be!
jackrabbit
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Re: Joke of the Day

Post by jackrabbit »

A Farmer walked into an attorney's office wanting to file for divorce. The attorney asked, "May I help you?" The farmer said "Yea, I want to get one of those dayvorce's." The attorney said, "Well, do you have any grounds?" The Farmer said, "Yea, I got about 140 acres." The Attorney said, "No, you don't understand, do you have a case?" The Farmer said, "No, I don't have a Case, but I have a John Deere." The Attorney said, "No you don't understand, I mean do you have a grudge?" The Farmer said, "Yea I got a grudge, that's where I park my John Deere." The Attorney said, "No Sir, I mean do you have a suit?" The Farmer said, "Yes Sir, I got a suit, I wear it to Church on Sundays." The Attorney said, "Well sir, does your wife beat you up or anything?" The Farmer said, "No sir, we both get up about 4:30." The Attorney then said "Well is she a nagger or anything?" The Farmer said, "No, she's a little white gal, but our last child was a nagger and that's why I want this Dayvorce!"
johnl
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Re: Joke of the Day

Post by johnl »

Bwahahaha, good one jackrabbit.

Here’s another groaner.




A woman was having a daytime affair while her husband was at work. One rainy day she was in bed with her boyfriend when, to her horror, she heard her husband's car pull into the driveway.

"Oh my God - Hurry! Grab your clothes and jump out the window. My husband's home early!" "I can't jump out the window. It's raining out there!" he protested.

"If my husband catches us in here, he'll kill us both!" she replied.."he's got a hot temper and a gun, so the rain is the least of your problems!"

So the boyfriend scoots out of bed, grabs his clothes and jumps out the window! As he ran down the street in the pouring rain, he quickly discovered he had run right into the middle of the town's annual marathon, so he started running along beside the others; about 300 of them.

Being naked, with his clothes tucked under his arm, he tried to blend in as best he could.

After a little while a small group of runners who had been watching him with some curiosity, jogged closer.

"Do you always run in the nude?" one asked. "Oh yes!" he replied, gasping in air. "It feels so wonderfully free!"

Another runner moved a long side. "Do you always run carrying your clothes with you under your arm?" "Oh, yes" our friend answered breathlessly. "That way I can get dressed right at the end of the run and get in my car to go home!"

Then a third runner cast his eyes a little lower and asked, "Do you always wear a condom when you run?" "Nope... just when it's raining".
SFogler
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Re: Joke of the Day

Post by SFogler »

The Farmer said, "No, she's a little white gal, but our last child was a nagger and that's why I want this Dayvorce!"
Let's not go down this road. Thanks
johnl
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Joined: Sun Mar 04, 2007 9:59 pm

Re: Joke of the Day

Post by johnl »

Blonde joke


A young ventriloquist is touring the clubs and one night he's doing a show in a small club in a small town in Arkansas. With his dummy on his knee, he's going through his usual dumb blonde jokes when a blonde woman in the fourth row stands on her chair and starts shouting: "I've heard enough of your stupid blonde jokes. What makes you think you can stereotype women that way? What does the color of a person's hair have to do with her worth as a human being? It's guys like you who keep women like me from being respected at work and in the community and from reaching our full potential as a person, because you and your kind continue to perpetuate discrimination against, not only blondes, but women in general...and all in the name of humor!" The ventriloquist is embarrassed and begins to apologize, when the blonde yells, "You stay out of this, mister! I'm talking to that little idiot on your knee!"
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desert deuce
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Re: Joke of the Day

Post by desert deuce »

In real humor there is truth.
Sometimes you get the chicken, and sometimes you get the feathers!
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