Joke of the Day

[Woody]

Today’s small smiles:




The coronavirus recession has hit everybody really hard - for instance:



My neighbor got a pre-declined credit card in the mail.

CEO's are now playing miniature golf.

Exxon-Mobil laid off 25 Congressmen.

A stripper was killed when her audience showered her with rolls of pennies while she danced.

I saw a Mormon with only one wife.

If the bank returns your check marked "Insufficient Funds," call them and ask if they meant you or them.

McDonald's is selling the 1/4 ouncer.

Angelina Jolie adopted a child from America.

Parents in Beverly Hills fired their nannies and learned their children's names.

My cousin had an exorcism but couldn't afford to pay for it, and they re-possessed her!

A truckload of Americans was caught sneaking into Mexico.

A picture is now only worth 100 words.

When Bill and Hillary travel together, they now have to share a room.

The Treasure Island casino in Las Vegas is now managed by Somali pirates.



And, finally...



I was so depressed last night thinking about COVID-19, the economy, wars, jobs, my savings, Social Security, retirement funds, etc., I called the Suicide Hotline. I got a call center in Pakistan, and when I told them I was suicidal, they got all excited and asked if I could drive a truck.

[TexasMac]

Uh oh, I’m in big trouble now!!!



Wayne

[Woody]

It is a slow day in the small Virginia town of Dunn Loring, and streets are deserted. Times are tough, everybody is in debt, and everybody is living on credit.

A tourist visiting the area arrives on the Metro, stops at the Comfort Inn, and lays a $100 bill on the desk saying he wants to inspect the rooms upstairs to pick one for the night. As soon as he walks upstairs, the hotel owner grabs the bill and runs next door to pay his debt to the butcher.

The butcher takes the $100 and runs down the street to retire his debt to the pig farmer.

The pig farmer takes the $100 and heads off to pay his bill to his supplier, the Co-op.

The guy at the Co-op takes the $100 and runs to pay his debt to the local prostitute, who has also been facing hard times and has had to offer her "services" on credit.

The hooker rushes to the hotel and pays off her room bill with the Comfort Inn owner.

The hotel proprietor then places the $100 back on the counter so the traveler will not suspect anything.

At that moment, the traveler comes down the stairs, states that the rooms are not satisfactory, picks up the $100 bill and leaves. No one produced anything. No one earned anything...

However, the whole town is now out of debt and now looks to the future with a lot more optimism.

And that, ladies and gentlemen, is how a Stimulus package works.

[Gussy]

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[Clayguy]

Well, I've spent the last few hours of my valuable COVID-19 time reading page after page of jokes. I haven't laughed that hard or had that much fun in a long time. I just wish I could remember even a few of them.

Thanks to all!!

[powderburner]

The nice part of getting old is you can go back and read them again and it will be like reading them for the first time
Enjoy.

[Gussy]

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[SSShooter]

If this virus thing keeps going, Exxon-Mobil is going to layoff most of their U.S. senators and representatives. (Sad, but true.)

[TexasMac]

Tomorrow is the National Home-school Tornado Drill. Lock your kids in the basement until you give the all clear. You’re welcome!

I was so bored I called Jake from State Farm just to talk to someone. He asked me what I was wearing.

2019: Stay away from negative people. 2020: Stay away from positive people.

The world has turned upside down. Old folks are sneaking out of the house, and their kids are yelling at them to stay indoors!

You think it’s bad now? In 20 years our country will be run by people home-schooled by day drinkers…

This virus has done what no woman had been able to do…cancel all sports, shut down all bars, and keep men at home!!!

Do not call the police on suspicious people in your neighborhood! Those are your neighbors without makeup and hair extensions!

Since we can’t eat out, now’s the perfect time to eat better, get fit, and stay healthy. We’re quarantined! Who are we trying to impress? We have snacks, we have sweatpants – I say we use them!

Day 7 at home and the dog is looking at me like, “See? This is why I chew the furniture!”

Does anyone know if we can take showers yet or should we just keep washing our hands???

I never thought the comment “I wouldn’t touch him/her with a 6 foot pole” would become a national policy, but here we are!

Me: Alexa what’s the weather this weekend?
Alexa: It doesn’t matter – you’re not going anywhere

Can everyone please just follow the government instructions so we can knock out this corona virus and be done?! I feel like a kindergartner who keeps losing more recess time because one or two kids can’t follow directions.

I swear my fridge just said “what the hell do you want now?”

When this is over…what meeting do I attend first…Weight Watchers or AA?

Quarantine has turned us into dogs. We roam the house all day looking for food. We are told “no” if we get too close to strangers. And we get really excited about car rides...

[TexasMac]

[Shutinlead]

My wife is a Cardiac Rehab Nurse and because of the nature of the patients she takes care of they've closed the unit where she works, so instead of sending her home they moved her to the call center. She takes call from all sorts of people concerned about how they're feeling... most of the time the question asked is do I have Covid-19 when I feel like this? The hospital she works for train them, or at least keeps them up to speed with what's known about the symptoms of this virus. Anyway, I came home the other day feeling fairly rough, between the pollen explosion we're having with the first few warm days of the year and being hunkered over a welding machine breathing fumes and grinding dust all day I knew the real story. But I had to complain and tell her I thought I had the virus, she asked what my symptoms, I told her, she said NOPE! not the virus that's going around. Told her I was going to the fridge and get a Corona and drink it, then I'd have it for sure. Her response... all I'd get from that is Lime disease...

[desert deuce]

EXXON Mobile has been really hard hit by the economic shut down.
The situation is so bad they are going to have to lay off all the Congressmen and Senators on their payroll.
If so, good chance we will be up and running again real soon.

[johnl]

My Motorcycle Accident!


While riding my Harley, I swerved to avoid hitting a deer, lost control and landed in a ditch, severely banging my head.

Dazed and confused I crawled out of the ditch to the edge of the road when a shiny new convertible pulled up with a very beautiful woman who asked, "Are you okay?

As I looked up, I noticed she was wearing a low-cut blouse with cleavage to die for...

"I'm okay I think," I replied as I pulled myself up to the side of the car to get a closer look.

She said, "Get in and I'll take you home, so I can clean and bandage that nasty scrape on your head."

"That's nice of you," I answered, "but I don't think my wife will like me doing that!"

"Oh, come now, I'm a nurse," she insisted. "I need to see if you have any more scrapes and then treat them properly."

Well, she was really pretty and very persuasive. Being sort of shaken and weak, I agreed, but repeated, "I'm sure my wife won't like this."

We arrived at her place which was just a few miles away and, after a couple of cold beers and the bandaging, I thanked her and said, "I feel a lot better, but I know my wife is going to be really upset so I'd better go now."

"Don't be silly!" she said with a smile. "Stay for a while. She won't know anything. By the way, where is she?"

"Still in the ditch, I guess."

[Jim Kidwell]

BTW, where is Boge???? I miss the guy...............

[DeadEye]

Jim, some time ago he reported here that he had 'fallen on hard times' and that was the last we heard from him.

Paul