Joke of the Day

Talk with other Shiloh Sharps shooters.

Moderators: Kirk, Lucinda

Post Reply
TexasMac
Posts: 2364
Joined: Sun Nov 04, 2007 5:29 pm
Location: Central Texas
Contact:

Re: Joke of the Day

Post by TexasMac »

Image
NRA Life (Benefactor & President's Council) Member, TSRA Life Member, NSSF Member, Author & Publisher of the Browning BPCR book
http://www.texas-mac.com
TexasMac
Posts: 2364
Joined: Sun Nov 04, 2007 5:29 pm
Location: Central Texas
Contact:

Re: Joke of the Day

Post by TexasMac »

Why certain people end up in top positions!!!

The king wanted to go fishing, and he asked the royal weather forecaster the forecast for the next few hours. The palace meteorologist assured him that there was no chance of rain. So the king and the queen went fishing.

On the way he met a man with a fishing pole riding on a donkey, and he asked the man if the fish were biting. The fisherman said, “Your Majesty, you should return to the palace!” In just a short time I expect a huge rain storm. "The king replied, "I hold the palace meteorologist in high regard. He is an educated and experienced professional. Besides, I pay him very high wages. He gave me a very different forecast. I trust him."

So the king continued on his way. However, in a short time a torrential rain fell from the sky. The King and Queen were totally soaked. Furious, the king returned to the palace and gave the order to fire the meteorologist. Then he summoned the fisherman and offered him the prestigious position of royal forecaster.

The fisherman said, “Your Majesty, I do not know anything about forecasting. I obtain my information from my donkey. If I see my donkey's ears drooping, it means with certainty that it will rain.

"So the king hired the donkey. And thus began the practice of hiring dumb asses to work in influential positions of government. The practice is unbroken to this date.
:lol:
NRA Life (Benefactor & President's Council) Member, TSRA Life Member, NSSF Member, Author & Publisher of the Browning BPCR book
http://www.texas-mac.com
User avatar
kenny s
Posts: 775
Joined: Sat Nov 07, 2015 8:14 am
Location: Venice FL

Re: Joke of the Day

Post by kenny s »

An Irish guy rubbed a lamp he bought and suddenly a Genie appeared.
'I'll grant you three wishes for letting me free' the Genie said.

Take me to an Irish Bar they guy said.
Poof
Give me a beer mug that never gets empty
Poof
every time he took a drink the mug filled up again.

You have a third wish the Genie said. what do you want?

That's easy said the Irishman...
GIVE ME ANOTHER MUG LIKE THIS!
User avatar
kenny s
Posts: 775
Joined: Sat Nov 07, 2015 8:14 am
Location: Venice FL

Re: Joke of the Day

Post by kenny s »

Pasquale was Playing poker with his two Italian friends....he had lost $1000 and was so upset he dropped dead!
They played a little longer, then said....'someone was going to have to tell Pasquale's wife"
Louie loss the toss.

he goes to Pasquale's house, and Pasquale's wife said 'What Now"
"Pasquale has lost $1000 playing poker he said'..

"Tell him to drop dead.." she says

Ok...Louie says'...'I'll tell him'
johnl
Posts: 812
Joined: Sun Mar 04, 2007 9:59 pm

Re: Joke of the Day

Post by johnl »

A Russian walks into a bar in Turkey

He's wearing a t-shirt with bright lettering "Turkish got 3 problems."

Just a few seconds later the Turkishs oppose him and say "Hey, yopu know what you're wearing is insulting?"

The russian responds: "This is your first problem: You're so easily offended."

The Turkish respond: "Okay, maybe we should settle this outside."

The Russian: "That's your second problem: You always want to solve your problems with violence."

The Turkish bring him outside and pull their knives.

The Russian: "And here's your third problem. You always bring knives to gun fights
johnl
Posts: 812
Joined: Sun Mar 04, 2007 9:59 pm

Re: Joke of the Day

Post by johnl »

While two families were waiting in line to enter the museum, their two 5-year-old boys were getting acquainted.

"My name is Joshua. What's yours?" asked the first boy. "Adam" replied the second.

"My daddy is a doctor. What does YOUR daddy do for a living?" asked Joshua. A
dam proudly replied "My daddy is a lawyer".
"Honest?" asked Joshua.
"No, just the regular kind" replied Adam.
johnl
Posts: 812
Joined: Sun Mar 04, 2007 9:59 pm

Re: Joke of the Day

Post by johnl »

A guy was on trial for murder and if convicted, would get the electric chair. His brother found out that a redneck was on the jury and figured he would be the one to bribe. He told the redneck that he would be paid $10,000 if he could convince the rest of the jury to reduce the charge to manslaughter.

The jury was out an entire week and returned with a verdict of manslaughter.

After the trial, the brother went to the redneck's home, told him what a great job he had done and paid him the $10,000.

The redneck replied that it wasn't easy to convince the rest of the jury to change the charge to manslaughter. They all wanted to let him go.
jackrabbit
Posts: 1792
Joined: Mon Jul 23, 2012 12:04 pm
Location: Carpenter Wyoming

Re: Joke of the Day

Post by jackrabbit »

Thank you John and everyone else for all the great jokes! Several of the forums I follow have a joke thread, but this one is definitely the best. Anytime I am feeling a little down, I can just scroll through the pages of jokes. I can't get through half a page before I am laughing!
take care, Cody
johnl
Posts: 812
Joined: Sun Mar 04, 2007 9:59 pm

Re: Joke of the Day

Post by johnl »

jackrabbit wrote: Sat Mar 30, 2019 11:01 am Thank you John and everyone else for all the great jokes! Several of the forums I follow have a joke thread, but this one is definitely the best. Anytime I am feeling a little down, I can just scroll through the pages of jokes. I can't get through half a page before I am laughing!
take care, Cody

Hey Cody, happy to help. Here’s a few more groaners :lol:



One day at the end of class little Billy's teacher has the class go home and think of a story and then conclude the moral of that story.
The next day Billy tells his story: "My dad fought in the Vietnam war, his plane was shot down over enemy territory. He jumped out before it crashed with only a case of beer, a machine gun and a machete. On the way down he drank the case of beer. Unfortunately, he landed right in the middle of 100 Vietnamese soldiers. He shot 70 with his machine gun, but ran out of bullets, so he pulled out his machete and killed 20 more, but the blade on his machete broke, so he killed the last ten with his bare hands"
Teacher looks in shock at Billy and asks if there is possibly any moral to his story.
Billy replies "Yeah... don't fuck with my dad when he's been drinking"


A guy is looking for a place to sit in a crowded library.
He asked a girl in a university library "Do you mind if I sit beside you?"
The girl replied in a loud voice: "I DON'T WANT TO SPEND THE NIGHT WITH YOU!"
All the students in the library started staring at the guy; he was truly embarrassed and moved to another table.
After a couple of minutes, the girl walked quietly to the guy's table and said with a laugh "I study psychology, and I know what a man is thinking. I guess you felt embarrassed, right?"
The guy then responded in a loud voice "$500 FOR ONE NIGHT?! YOU'RE KIDDING ME!"
All the people in the library looked at the girl in shock.
The guy then whispered in her ear "I study law: I know how to screw people".





Two brothers enlisting in the Army were undergoing their physicals. During the inspection, the doctor was surprised to see that both of the men possessed extraordinarily long penises.
"How do you account for this?" he asked the brothers. "Its hereditary, sir" replied the older brother.
"I see, said the doctor, writing in his file". Your fathers the reason for your elongated penises? "No, sir, our mother.
"Your mother?" said the doctor. "Don't be so ridiculous! Women don't have penises!"
"I know, sir" replied the recruit "but she only had one arm, and when it came to getting us out of the bathtub, she had to manage as best she could".
User avatar
RMulhern
Posts: 7682
Joined: Thu Nov 28, 2002 9:41 pm
Location: North Louisiana

Re: Joke of the Day

Post by RMulhern »

Texas wildlife officer called Oklahoma game warden and said there was an Oklahoma coyote in a trap and could Oklahoma come pick it up ! The Oklahoma officer said , what makes you think it's one of our coyote's ? The Texas officer said, “Well he's chewed off three legs and he's still in the trap!" :shock:
There is no freedom without.......GUN POWDER!
johnl
Posts: 812
Joined: Sun Mar 04, 2007 9:59 pm

Re: Joke of the Day

Post by johnl »

Henry goes to confession and says "Bless me Father, for I have sinned. Last night I was with seven different women".

The priest says "Take seven lemons, squeeze them into a glass and drink the juice without pausing".

"Will that cleanse me of my sins, Father?" "No" replies the priest.

"But it'll wipe that silly grin off your face".





A third-grade school teacher was trying to explain to her class the difference between singular and plural.

She said "What do you call it if one woman looks out a window?"

Charlotte said "Singular".
The teacher said "That's right Charlotte.

Now, what do you call it if three women are looking out of a window?"


Little Johnny raised his hand and blurted out "A whorehouse!"
johnl
Posts: 812
Joined: Sun Mar 04, 2007 9:59 pm

Re: Joke of the Day

Post by johnl »

A farmer buys a rooster to service his 200 hens. When he gets the rooster into the barnyard, he tells him, "Randy, I want you to pace yourself now. You've got a lot of chickens to service here, and you cost me a lot of money. Have fun, but take your time."
The farmer points him toward the henhouse and the rooster takes off like a shot.

WHAM! Randy nails every hen in the henhouse, three or four times. Randy runs out and sees a flock of geese down by the lake. WHAM! He nails all the geese. Randy runs to the pigpen, the cow pasture -- soon, he's been on every animal on the farm.

The farmer is distraught, worried that his expensive rooster won't even last the day.

Sure enough, the farmer wakes up the next morning to find Randy laid out flat in the middle of the yard, buzzards circling overhead.

The sad farmer shakes his head and says, "Oh, Randy, I told you to pace yourself."

Randy opens one eye, winks, and nods towards the sky, "Shhh, they're getting closer"
johnl
Posts: 812
Joined: Sun Mar 04, 2007 9:59 pm

Re: Joke of the Day

Post by johnl »

A good-looking man walked into an agent's office in Hollywood and said "I want to be a movie star".

Tall, handsome and with experience on Broadway, he had the right credentials. The agent asked "What's your name?" The guy said "My name is Penis van Lesbian". The agent said "Sir, I hate to tell you, but in order to get into Hollywood you are going to have to change your name".

"I will NOT change my name! The van Lesbian name is centuries old; I will not disrespect my grandfather by changing my name. Not ever". The agent said "Sir, I have worked in Hollywood for years... you will NEVER go far in Hollywood with a name like Penis van Lesbian! I'm telling you, you will HAVE TO change your name or I will not be able to represent you".

"So be it! I guess we will not do business together" the guy said and he left the agent's office.

FIVE YEARS LATER...... The agent opens an envelope sent to his office. Inside the envelope is a letter and a check for $50,000. The agent is awe-struck, who would possibly send him $50,000? He reads the letter enclosed...

"Dear Sir, five years ago, I came into your office wanting to become an actor in Hollywood, you told me I needed to change my name. Determined to make it with my God-given birth name, I refused. You told me I would never make it in Hollywood with a name like Penis van Lesbian. After I left your office, I thought about what you said. I decided you were right. I had to change my name but I had too much pride to return to your office, so I signed with another agent. I would never have made it without changing my name, so the enclosed check is a token of my appreciation. Thank you for your advice.

Sincerely, Dick van Dyke".
johnl
Posts: 812
Joined: Sun Mar 04, 2007 9:59 pm

Re: Joke of the Day

Post by johnl »

For car lovers… And fathers

The daughter asks her Dad, “Dad, there is something that my boyfriend said to me that

I didn't understand. He is so in to his cars and said "that I have a beautiful chassis,

lovely airbags and a fantastic bumper."



Her Dad said, “You tell your boyfriend that, if he opens your hood and tries to check your

oil with his dipstick, I will tighten his lug nuts so hard that his headlights will pop out and

he will start leaking oil out of his exhaust pipe."
johnl
Posts: 812
Joined: Sun Mar 04, 2007 9:59 pm

Re: Joke of the Day

Post by johnl »

Hillbilly Striptease :lol:

Cletus is passing by Billy Bob 's hay barn one day when,
through a gap in the door, he sees Billy Bob doing a slow
and sensual striptease in front of an old John Deere tractor.

Buttocks clenched, he performs a pirouette, and gently slides
off first the right strap of his overalls, followed by the left.
He then hunches his shoulders forward and in a classic
striptease move, lets his overalls fall down to his hips,
revealing a torn and frayed plaid shirt.

Then, grabbing both sides of his shirt, he rips it apart to
reveal his stained T-shirt underneath. With a final flourish,
he tears the T-shirt from his body, and hurls his baseball
cap onto a pile of hay.

Having seen enough, Cletus rushes in and says,
"What the world're ya doing, Billy Bob ?"

"Good grief, Cletus, ya scared the bejeebers out of me,"
says an obviously embarrassed Billy Bob.

"But me 'n the wife been havin trouble lately in the
bedroom d'partment, and the therapist suggested I
do something sexy to a tractor."

(Don't make me come splain this to you ! Read the last line again, slowly.)

:lol: :lol:
Post Reply