Joke of the Day

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johnl
Posts: 812
Joined: Sun Mar 04, 2007 9:59 pm

Re: Joke of the Day

Post by johnl »

Bill Clinton was driving past the White House when he accidentally ran over
the Obama’s dog, Sunny, crushing it flat as a fritter. He climbed out of
his Rolls and sat down on the grass totally distraught. He knew Michele
would go ballistic.
Then he noticed a lamp half-buried in the ground. He dug
it up, brushed it off and immediately a Genie popped out. "You have freed
me from thousands of years of imprisonment," said the Genie "As a reward I
shall grant you one wish."Well," said Bill, "I have all the material things
I need, but let me show you this damned dog."They walk over to the
splattered remains of Sunny. "Do you think you could bring this dog back to
life for me?" Bill asked. The Genie looked at the remains and shook his
head. "This critter is too far gone for even me to bring it back to life.

Maybe there's something else you'd like?

Bill thought for a minute, reached
into his pocket and pulled out two photos. "I had an affair with this
beautiful young girl called Monica," said Bill, showing the genie the first
photo. "But I’m actually married to this woman named Hillary" and he showed
the genie the second photo. "You see Hillary isn't beautiful at all, so do
you think you can make her look like Monica?"

The Genie studied the two
photographs and after a few minutes said, "Damn, let's have another look at
the dog!"
Coltsmoke
Posts: 1513
Joined: Sun Jul 04, 2010 8:55 am
Location: GA.

Re: Joke of the Day

Post by Coltsmoke »

John, you have out done yourself!!!!!!!!!! :lol: :lol: :lol:
Normal isn't coming back, but Jesus is.
johnl
Posts: 812
Joined: Sun Mar 04, 2007 9:59 pm

Re: Joke of the Day

Post by johnl »

Image
TexasMac
Posts: 2364
Joined: Sun Nov 04, 2007 5:29 pm
Location: Central Texas
Contact:

Re: Joke of the Day

Post by TexasMac »

Bob Hope's greatest movie line ever.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RWpU8sX10_4

:lol:
Wayne
NRA Life (Benefactor & President's Council) Member, TSRA Life Member, NSSF Member, Author & Publisher of the Browning BPCR book
http://www.texas-mac.com
johnl
Posts: 812
Joined: Sun Mar 04, 2007 9:59 pm

Re: Joke of the Day

Post by johnl »

FIVE UNDENIABLE FACTS

1. A girl is said to be grown-up when she starts wearing a bra.
A boy is grown-up when he starts removing it.

2. We all love to spend money buying new clothes
but we never realize that the best moments in life are enjoyed without clothes.

3. Having a cold drink on hot day with a few friends is nice,
but having a hot friend on a cold night after a few drinks - PRICELESS.

4. Breaking News: Condoms don't guarantee safe sex anymore.....
A friend of mine was wearing one when he was shot dead by the woman's husband.

5. Arguing over a girl's bust size is like choosing between Molson, Heineken, Coors & Budweiser.
Men may state their preferences, but will grab whatever is available.
TexasMac
Posts: 2364
Joined: Sun Nov 04, 2007 5:29 pm
Location: Central Texas
Contact:

Re: Joke of the Day

Post by TexasMac »

For you older car guys, in some cases very older car guys.

I came across this phrase yesterday. 'FENDER SKIRTS'

A term I haven't heard in a long time, and thinking about 'fender skirts' started me thinking about other car words that quietly disappear from our language with hardly a notice like 'curb feelers'

And 'steering knobs.' (aka) 'suicide knob,' 'neckers knobs.'

Remember 'Continental kits'? They were rear bumper extenders and spare tire covers that were supposed to make any car as cool as a Lincoln Continental.

When did we quit calling them 'emergency brakes'? At some point 'parking brake' became the proper term. But I miss the hint of drama that went with 'emergency brake.'

I'm sad, too, that almost all the old folks are gone who would call the accelerator the 'foot feed’. Many today do not even know what a clutch is or that the dimmer switch used to be on the floor. For that matter, the starter was down there too.

Didn't you ever wait at the street for your daddy to come home, so you could ride the 'running board' up to the house?
NRA Life (Benefactor & President's Council) Member, TSRA Life Member, NSSF Member, Author & Publisher of the Browning BPCR book
http://www.texas-mac.com
Woody
Posts: 6060
Joined: Sat Feb 07, 2009 9:02 am
Location: Freetown, Indiana

Re: Joke of the Day

Post by Woody »

Wayne,

I drove my Ford P/U to the local gas station to get some mower gas this afternoon when I got home from the Friendship match. It's a stick shift three speed un-synchronized. The starter switch is on the floor above the accelerator button. The dimmer switch though is on the center of the steering wheel. No seat belts or turn signals, and only has one rear light/stop light. Imagine that.

Woody

Oh yeah, It does have running boards also.
Richard A. Wood
If you are surrounded. You are in a target rich environment.
johnl
Posts: 812
Joined: Sun Mar 04, 2007 9:59 pm

Re: Joke of the Day

Post by johnl »

Ex Marine pilot learns something . . . . .

During a commercial airline flight an experienced Marine pilot was seated
next to a young mother with a babe in arms.

When the baby began crying during the descent for landing, the mother
began nursing the infant as discreetly as possible.

The pilot pretended not to notice, and, upon disembarking, gallantly
offered his assistance to help with the various baby-related items.

When the young mother expressed her gratitude, the pilot responded,
"that's a good looking baby, and he sure was hungry!"

Somewhat embarrassed, the mother explained that her pediatrician said
that the time spent on the breast would help alleviate the pressure in the
baby's ears.

The Marine pilot shook his head sadly, and in true pilot fashion exclaimed,
"And all these years, I've been chewing gum.”
SSShooter
Posts: 2910
Joined: Mon Feb 20, 2012 7:06 am
Location: Jersey Shore

Re: Joke of the Day

Post by SSShooter »

Went for stroll around the marina with my morning coffee. Noticed a fella with long robes kneeling down and think I heard, "Praise to Allah". He got up and got tangled in his dress and fell into the water. He was obviously struggling and was sinking from the weight of all those explosives he had strapped around his chest. But, being a good samaritan, I knew I had to help and immediately contacted the local police department, Homeland Security, the FBI and ambulance service. However, no one showed up. Beginning to think I wasted four stamps. :wink:
Glenn
johnl
Posts: 812
Joined: Sun Mar 04, 2007 9:59 pm

Re: Joke of the Day

Post by johnl »

A man was just waking up from anaesthesia after surgery, and his wife was sitting by his side. His eyes fluttered open and he said "You're beautiful".

Then he fell asleep again. His wife had never heard him say that, so she stayed by his side. A few minutes later, his eyes fluttered open and he said "You're cute!"

The wife was disappointed because instead of "beautiful" it was now "cute". She said "What happened to 'beautiful'?" The man replied "The drugs are wearing off.
johnl
Posts: 812
Joined: Sun Mar 04, 2007 9:59 pm

Re: Joke of the Day

Post by johnl »

Lion tamer

A circus owner runs an ad for 'lion tamer wanted' and two people showed up.

One is a retired Army grunt in his late-sixties and the other is a drop-dead, gorgeous brunette with a killer body in her mid-twenties.

The circus owner tells them, "I'm not going to sugar coat it. This is one ferocious lion. He ate my last tamer so you two had better be good or you're history. Here's your equipment - a chair, a whip and a gun.

Who wants to try out first?"

The gorgeous brunette says, "I'll go first." She walks past the chair, the whip and the gun and steps right into the cage.

The lion starts to snarl and pant and begins to charge her.

As he gets close, the gorgeous brunette throws open her coat revealing her beautiful, perfect naked body.

The lion stops dead in his tracks, sheepishly crawls up to her and starts licking her feet and ankles. He continues to lick and kiss every inch of her body for several minutes, then lays down and rests his head at her feet.

The circus owner's jaw is on the floor! He says, "That's amazing! I've never seen anything like that in my life!"

He then turns to the retired Army grunt and asks, "Can you top that?"

The old Army grunt replies, "Possibly ... but you've got to get that lion out of there first
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kenny s
Posts: 775
Joined: Sat Nov 07, 2015 8:14 am
Location: Venice FL

Re: Joke of the Day

Post by kenny s »

a beautiful young girl, visibly upset, was standing in front of the Judge as a witness in her attack.

"tell us what happened dear, and don't leave anything out""
"Well, he grabbed me in a way the was not nice'
"Then what happened dear'
"He ripped my shirt off and started to fondle me"
'Go on, go on, don't be shy'
"Then he ripped off my pants, and pushed me to the ground'
'Oh Dear tell us what happened next" The judge said as he leaned forward
"I don't know....I blacked out and don't remember"

The Judge responded loudly
WELL, MAKE SOMETHING UP, MAKE SOMETHING UP!!!!"
Woody
Posts: 6060
Joined: Sat Feb 07, 2009 9:02 am
Location: Freetown, Indiana

Re: Joke of the Day

Post by Woody »

Well ... I’m at the emergency room. It’s not a good day. I decided to try horse back riding yesterday evening to relax. It turned out to be a huge mistake! I got on the horse & started out slowly, but then we went a little faster; before I knew it, we were going as-fast-as the horse could go. The horse made a sudden jerk & rared up, & I couldn’t hold on. I fell off, but my foot got caught in the stirrup. The horse kept bucking & running, & was dragging me & wouldn’t stop. Thank goodness the manager of the grocery store came out & unplugged the machine. But then he had the nerve to take the rest of my quarters so I wouldn’t attempt to drive the Batmobile, & told me to stay away from the handicap carts.

Woody
Richard A. Wood
If you are surrounded. You are in a target rich environment.
johnl
Posts: 812
Joined: Sun Mar 04, 2007 9:59 pm

Re: Joke of the Day

Post by johnl »

There once was a lady who was tired of living alone. So she put an ad in the paper which outlined her requirements. She wanted a man who 1) would treat her nicely, 2) wouldn't run away from her, and 3) would be good in bed.

Then, one day, she heard the doorbell ring. She answered it, and there on the front porch was a man in a wheel chair who didn't have any arms or legs. "I'm here about the ad you put in the paper.

As you can see, I have no arms so I can't beat you, and I have no legs so I can't run away from you".

"Yes, but are you good in bed?"



"How do you think I rang the doorbell?"
johnl
Posts: 812
Joined: Sun Mar 04, 2007 9:59 pm

Re: Joke of the Day

Post by johnl »

Signs you are getting old:
1. You don't hold in your stomach when someone young and attractive enters the room.
2. You can live without sex but not without glasses.
3. You are proud of your lawn mower.
4. Your friend is dating someone half his age, but not breaking the law.
5. You can sing along with elevator music.
6. Someone calls your house at 8pm, and asks "Did I wake you up?"
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