Joke of the Day

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Griff
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Re: Joke of the Day

Post by Griff »

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Dangerous Freedom
johnl
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Re: Joke of the Day

Post by johnl »

A store that sells new husbands has opened in town, where a woman may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates:

You may visit this store ONLY ONCE! There are six floors and the value of the products increase as the shopper ascends the flights. The shopper may choose any item from a particular floor or may choose to go up to the next floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building!

So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband. On the first floor the sign on the door reads:

FLOOR 1 - THESE MEN HAVE JOBS

She is intrigued, but continues to the second floor, where the sign reads:

FLOOR 2 - THESE MEN HAVE JOBS AND LOVE KIDS.

"That's nice" she thinks "but I want more".

So she continues upward. The third floor sign reads:

FLOOR 3 - THESE MEN HAVE JOBS, LOVE KIDS, AND ARE EXTREMELY GOOD LOOKING.

"Wow" she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.

She goes to the fourth floor and the sign reads:

FLOOR 4 - THESE MEN HAVE JOBS, LOVE KIDS, ARE DROP-DEAD GOOD LOOKING AND HELP WITH HOUSEWORK.

"Oh, mercy me!" she exclaims "I can hardly stand it!"

Still, she goes to the fifth floor and the sign reads:

FLOOR 5 - THESE MEN HAVE JOBS, LOVE KIDS, ARE DROP-DEAD GORGEOUS, HELP WITH HOUSEWORK, AND HAVE A STRONG ROMANTIC STREAK.

She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor, where the sign reads:

FLOOR 6 - YOU ARE VISITOR 31,456,012 TO THIS FLOOR. THERE ARE NO MEN ON THIS FLOOR. THIS FLOOR EXISTS SOLELY AS PROOF THAT WOMEN ARE IMPOSSIBLE TO PLEASE.

THANK YOU FOR SHOPPING AT THE HUSBAND STORE.

PLEASE NOTE: TO AVOID GENDER BIAS CHARGES, THE STORE'S OWNER OPENED A NEW WIVES STORE JUST ACROSS THE STREET, WITH THE SAME RULES.

The First Floor has wives that love sex.

The Second Floor has wives that love sex and have money and like beer.

The Third, Fourth, Fifth and Sixth Floors have never been visited.
johnl
Posts: 812
Joined: Sun Mar 04, 2007 9:59 pm

Re: Joke of the Day

Post by johnl »

Not really a joke, more of a hmmm


Wise Advice from a Farmer’s Wife
(by George Steffner)

Whenever you return a borrowed pie pan, make sure it’s got a warm pie in it.

Invite lots of folks to supper. You can always add more water to the soup.

There’s no such thing as woman’s work on a farm. There’s just work.

Make home a happy place for the children. Everybody returns to their happy place.

Always keep a small light on in the kitchen window at night.

If your man gets his truck stuck in the field, don’t go in after him. Throw him a rope and pull him out with the tractor.

Keep the kerosene lamp away from the the milk cow’s leg.

It’s a whole lot easier to get breakfast from a chicken than a pig.

Always pat the chickens when you take their eggs.

It’s easy to clean an empty house, but hard to live in one.

All children spill milk. Learn to smile and wipe it up.

Homemade’s always better'n store bought.

A tongue’s like a knife. The sharper it is the deeper it cuts.

A good neighbor always knows when to visit and when to leave.

A city dog wants to run out the door, but a country dog stays on the porch ‘cause he’s not fenced-in.

Always light birthday candles from the middle outward.

Nothin’ gets the frustrations out better'n splittn’ wood.

The longer dress hem, the more trusting the husband.

Enjoy doing your children’s laundry. Some day they’ll be gone.

You’ll never catch a runnin’ chicken but if you throw seed around the back door you’ll have a skillet full by supper.

Biscuits brown better with a little butter brushed on ‘em.

Check your shoelaces before runnin’ to help somebody.

Visit old people who can’t get out. Some day you’ll be one.

The softer you talk, the closer folks’ll listen.

The colder the outhouse, the warmer the bed.
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desert deuce
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Location: Rio Rico, Arizona

Re: Joke of the Day

Post by desert deuce »

________________________________________

Sniffer dog
A man had just settled into his seat next to the window on the plane when another man sits down in the aisle seat and puts his black Labrador in the middle seat next to the man...
The first man looks very quizzically at the dog and asks why the dog is allowed on the plane.
The second man explains that he is a Drug Enforcement Agency officer and the dog is a 'Sniffer dog'.
'His name is Smithy and he's the best there is.
I'll show you once we get airborne, when I put him to work.'
The plane takes off, and once it has leveled out, the agent says: Watch this.' He tells Smithy to 'search'.
Smithy jumps down, walks along the aisle, and finally sits very purposefully next to a woman for several seconds.
Smithy then returns to his seat and puts one paw on the agent's arm.
The agent says, 'Good boy', and he turns to the man and says:
'That woman is in possession of marijuana, so I'm making a note of her seat number and the authorities will apprehend her when we land.'
'Say, that's pretty neat,' replies the first man.
Once again, the agent sends Smithy to search the aisles.
The Lab sniffs about, sits down beside a man for a few seconds, returns to his seat and this time,
he places TWO paws on the agent's arm.
The agent says,
'That man is carrying cocaine, so again,
I'm making note of his seat number for the police.'
'I like it!' says his seat mate.
The agent then tells Smithy to 'search' again.
Smithy walks up and down the aisles for a little while,
sits down for a moment and then comes racing back to the agent, jumps into the middle seat and proceeds to poop all over the place.
The first man is really amazed by this behavior and can't figure out how or why a well-trained dog would behave like this,
so he asks the agent 'What's going on?'
The agent nervously replies, 'He just found a bomb. '
Sometimes you get the chicken, and sometimes you get the feathers!
Red River Rick
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Re: Joke of the Day

Post by Red River Rick »

An Israeli Doctor says: “In Israel, medicine is so advanced that we cut off a man’s testicles, put them on another man, And in six weeks, he’s looking for work.

The German Doctors says: “That’s nothing, in Germany we take part of a brain, put it in another man, and in four weeks, he’s looking for work.

The Russian Doctor says: “Gentleman, we take half a heart from a man, put it into another chest, and in two weeks he's looking for work.

The Canadian Doctor laughs: “You are all behind us. Just over four years ago, we took a man with no brains, no balls, no heart and made him Prime Minister………………now the whole country is looking for work!
"I make the part.................that make's the parts!"


Looking for Bullet Mould Handles, Heavy Duty Replacement Sprue Plates, Adjustable Paper Patch Bullet Moulds?
Check here: http://kal.castpics.net/
TexasMac
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Re: Joke of the Day

Post by TexasMac »

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NRA Life (Benefactor & President's Council) Member, TSRA Life Member, NSSF Member, Author & Publisher of the Browning BPCR book
http://www.texas-mac.com
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kenny sd
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Re: Joke of the Day

Post by kenny sd »

a guy took a cab to the airport. when close to his stop he tapped the driver on the shoulder to tell him to stop.
The driver screamed, and ran off the road.

they guy said... hey I didn't mean to startle you..

driver said....not your fault. this is my first day driving a cab.
For the last ten years I drove a hearse!
Gussy
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Re: Joke of the Day

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Ray Newman
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Location: between No Where & No Place, WA

Re: Joke of the Day

Post by Ray Newman »

Gussy: have a feeling that there might be some truth in the above....
Grand PooBah
WA ST F. E. S.

In real life may you be the bad ass that you claim to be on social media....
Ray Newman
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Re: Joke of the Day

Post by Ray Newman »

Gussy: have a feeling that there might be some truth in the above....
Grand PooBah
WA ST F. E. S.

In real life may you be the bad ass that you claim to be on social media....
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kenny sd
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Location: florida

Re: Joke of the Day

Post by kenny sd »

OK.
you have two choices...
A.....you can sequester for the Crono Virus duration with your wife and two kids
and

B.
I'LL TAKE B i'Il TAKE B....
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desert deuce
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Location: Rio Rico, Arizona

Re: Joke of the Day

Post by desert deuce »

The United Way realized that it had never received a donation from the city's most successful lawyer. So a United Way volunteer paid the lawyer a visit in his lavish office.

The volunteer opened the meeting by saying; 'Our research shows that even though your annual income is over $5,000,000.00, you don't give a penny to charity. Wouldn't you like to give something back to your community through the United Way?'

The lawyer thinks for a minute and says; 'First, did your research also show you that my mother is dying after a long, painful illness and she has huge medical bills that are far beyond her ability to pay?'

Embarrassed, the United Way rep mumbles, 'Uh... no, I didn't know that.'

'Secondly,' says the lawyer, 'my brother, a disabled veteran, is blind and confined to a wheelchair and is unable to support his wife and six children.'

The stricken United Way rep begins to stammer an apology but is cut off again. 'Thirdly, did your research also show you that my sister's husband died in dreadful car accident, leaving her penniless with a mortgage and three children, one of whom is disabled and another that has learning disabilities requiring an array of private tutors?'

The humiliated United Way rep, completely beaten, says; 'I'm so sorry, I had no idea.'

And the lawyer says; 'So . . . if I didn't give any money to them, what makes you think I'd give any to you?
Sometimes you get the chicken, and sometimes you get the feathers!
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desert deuce
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Re: Joke of the Day

Post by desert deuce »

A foolproof solution to the toilet paper shortage.


https://youtu.be/dQM__8Jn978
Sometimes you get the chicken, and sometimes you get the feathers!
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desert deuce
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Re: Joke of the Day

Post by desert deuce »

The local news station was interviewing an 80-year-old lady because she had just gotten married for the fourth time. The interviewer asked her questions about her life, about what it felt like to be marrying again at 80, and then about her new husband's occupation. "He's a funeral director," she answered.

"Interesting," the newsman thought.

He then asked her if she wouldn't mind telling him a little about her first three husbands and what they did for a living. She paused for a few moments, needing time to reflect on all those years. After a short time, a smile came to her face and she answered proudly, explaining that she had first married a banker when she was in her 20's, then a circus ringmaster when in her 40's, and a preacher when in her 60's, and now - in her 80's - a funeral director.

The interviewer looked at her, quite astonished, and asked why she had married four men with such diverse careers.

She smiled and explained,

"I married one for the money, two for the show, three to get ready, and four to go."
Sometimes you get the chicken, and sometimes you get the feathers!
Gussy
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Re: Joke of the Day

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