Joke of the Day

[Gussy]

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[TexasMac]

After 7 days in isolation with me, and likely many more, my wife decided to start working on a garden.

Wayne

[SFogler]

My wife was sewing masks to donate but after a week at home with me, she decided she needs to sew something else now

[buffalocannon]

Due to cabin fever, I wrote this joke:

Red faced fat guy holding his throat and coughing walks into saloon, sits down, and orders double shot of rye.
Drunk skinny man next to him on stool slurs: "corona?"
Fat guy answers: "No, Mona. She karate-chopped me on the throat when I reached for that last biscuit."

[patchbox]

EMPLOYEE NOTICE

Due to the current financial situation caused by the Corona Virus and slowdown in the economy, the Government has decided to implement a scheme to put workers of 50 years of age and above on early, mandatory retirement, thus creating jobs and reducing unemployment.

This scheme will be known as RAPE (Retire Aged People Early).

Persons selected to be RAPED can apply to the Government to be considered for the SHAFT program (Special Help After Forced Termination).

Persons who have been RAPED and SHAFTED will be reviewed under the SCREW program (System Covering Retired-Early Workers).

A person may be RAPED once, SHAFTED twice and SCREWED as many times as the Government deems appropriate.

Persons who have been RAPED could get AIDS (Additional Income for Dependents & Spouse) or HERPES (Half Earnings for Retired Personnel Early Severance).

Obviously persons who have AIDS or HERPES will not be SHAFTED or SCREWED any further by the Government.

Persons who are not RAPED and are staying on will receive as much SHIT (Special High Intensity Training) as possible. The Government has always prided themselves on the amount of SHIT they give our citizens.

Should you feel that you do not receive enough SHIT, please bring this to the attention of your TD, who has been trained to give you all the SHIT you can handle.

Sincerely,
The Committee for Economic Value of Individual Lives (E.V.I.L.)

PS - Due to Corona Virus, recent budget cuts and the rising cost of electricity, gas and oil, as well as current market conditions, The Light at the End of the Tunnel has been turned off.

[Gussy]

When we recently moved the clocks ahead I didn't know it was into the twilight zone......

[Gussy]

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[Shutinlead]

Now I'm not making this up nor is it a joke that someone passed to me but there is a little humor in all of it. I was scheduled to meet with my Rheumatologist yesterday bright and early but I had received a phone call from her office the day before explaining that with everything going on she really didn't want to meet me face to face unless it was absolutely necessary. I told the gal from the office that I really didn't even need to see the doctor as the rat poison she has me on makes me sick twice a week when I take it, but it's keeping everything at bay so for the little bit of suffering I endure things are fine. The lady from the office said the doctor still wanted to chat with me and rather than meet her could she call me, I said yes, this old gal know's her stuff, her language is atrocious but it still makes me laugh. The conversations we have are generally entertaining and if nothing else she gives me something to chuckle about...
When she called the following morning she started with the normal greetings and right away she asked how my supply of toilet paper was... confused a little I replied I bought my normal stores back in December and should be good until July, she said good. A long pause and I then asked why? She replied the reason for the shortage - people panicked, anytime someone coughs everyone in the room craps their pants thus generating the need.

[TexasMac]

Sometime this year, we taxpayers will likely receive another economic stimulus.
It is indeed a very exciting program, and I’ll explain it by using a Q&A format:

Q: What is an Economic Stimulus?
A: It is money that the federal government will send to taxpayers.

Q: Where will the government get this money?
A: From taxpayers.

Q: Is the government simply giving me back my own money, then?
A: No, only a smidgen of it.

Q: What is the purpose of this payment?
A: The plan is for you to use the money to purchase a high definition television set, a new iPad, or a new SUV, thus stimulating the economy.

Q: Isn’t that stimulating the economy of China?
A: Shut up.

Below is some helpful advice on how to best help the U. S. Economy with your stimulus check. Use it wisely:

* If you spend the stimulus money at Walmart , the money will go to China or Sri Lanka.
* if you spend it on gasoline, t he money will go to the Arabs.
* if you purchase a computer, it goes to India, Taiwan , or China.
* if you purchase fruits and vegetables, it will go to Mexico, Honduras, and Guatemala.
* if you buy an efficient car, it will go to Japan or Korea.
* if you purchase useless stuff, it goes to Taiwan.
* if you pay your credit card off or buy stock, it will go to management bonuses and they will hide it offshore.

Instead, keep the money in America by:

(1) Spending it at a yard sale, or
(2) Going to a ballgame, or
(3) Spending it on prostitutes, or
(4) Beer, or
(5) Tattoos
(These are the only American businesses still operating in the U.S.)

CONCLUSION: Go to a ballgame with a tattooed prostitute that you met at a yard sale and drink beer all day.

No need to thank me, I’m just glad I could be of help.

[johnl]

Hey Wayne another way to keep money in the US is to buy another Shiloh

[powderburner]

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[Gussy]

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[bruce m]

if you think 1 person cannot change the world, you have never eaten a raw bat.
bruce.

[Gussy]

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[Gussy]

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