Joke of the Day

[TexasMac]

[DAVE ROELLE]

Good one Wayne !!!!!!

[kenny s]

a pretty young blonde was driving her sports car too fast. she was stopped by a
pretty young blonde police officer.
"what was I doing?" the driver said.
"driving too fast. do you have identification?"
the young lady was nervous, and grabbed her compact instead of her wallet.
she handed it , to the officer, who opened it and looked into the mirror.

'why didn't you tell me you are a police officer, I would have let you go.

wait for it...wait for it...Ok ...now you got it.

[Kevin Knight]

Couple of these should have had Beverage Warnings....

[kenny s]

a salesman was riding in farm country, looking for his next sale and he drove up to a chicken. Now, he was going 40 and the chicken kept up. He hit 50 then 60 and the chicken kept up, and then passed him running into a farm.
the guy stopped and talked to the farmer. 'saw your chicken hit 60 MPH. how can that be?

"well, my son went to college. learned all about DNA, and cloning and made a bunch of chickens with Three Legs for more meat.

'how do they taste? he asked

"don't know' said the farmer'...'we've never caught one!"

[johnl]

[TexasMac]

Donald Trump and Obama somehow ended up in the same barber shop.
Each being worked on by a different barber, not a word was spoken.

The barbers were even afraid to start a conversation, for fear it
would turn to politics.

As the barbers finished their shaves, the one who had Obama in his
chair reached for the aftershave.

Obama was quick to stop him saying,

"No thanks, my wife Michelle will smell that and think I've been inside
a whorehouse all day."

The second barber turned to Trump and said, "How about you sir?"

Trump replied, "Go ahead--my wife doesn't know what the inside of a
whorehouse smells like."

[Gussy]

he husband leans over and asks his wife, "Do you remember the first time we had sex together over fifty years ago? We went behind the village tavern where you leaned against the back fence and I made love to you."
Yes, she says, "I remember it well."
OK, he says, "How about taking a stroll around there again and we can do it for old time's sake?"...
"Oh Jim, you old devil, that sounds like a crazy, but good idea!"
A police officer sitting in the next booth heard their conversation and, having a chuckle to himself, he thinks to himself, I've got to see these two old-timers having
sex against a fence. I'll just keep an eye on them so there's no trouble. So he follows them.
The elderly couple walks haltingly along, leaning on each other for support aided by walking sticks. Finally, they get to the back of the tavern and make their way to the fence The old lady lifts her skirt and the old man drops his trousers. As she leans against the fence, the old man moves in.. Then suddenly they erupt into the most furious sex that the policeman has ever seen. This goes on for about ten minutes while both are making loud noises and moaning and screaming. Finally, they both collapse, panting on the ground.
The policeman is amazed. He thinks he has learned something about life and old age that he didn't know.
After about half an hour of lying on the ground recovering, the old couple struggle to their feet and put their clothes back on. The policeman, is still watching and thinks to himself, this is truly amazing, I've got to ask them what their secret is.
So, as the couple passes, he says to them, "Excuse me, but that was something else. You must've had a fantastic sex life together. Is there some sort of secret to this?"
Shaking, the old man is barely able to reply,
"Fifty years ago that wasn't an electric fence."

[johnl]

A dog lover, whose female dog came "in heat," was concerned about keeping it and her male dog separated. But she had a large house and she believed that she could keep the two dogs apart.​
However, as she was drifting off to sleep, she heard awful howling and moaning sounds. ​
She rushed downstairs and found the dogs locked together and unable to disengage, as frequently happens when dogs mate.​
Unable to separate them, and perplexed as to what to do next, although it was very late at night, she called her vet, who answered in a very grumpy voice.​
After she explained the problem to him, the vet said, "Hang up the phone and place it down alongside the dogs.​
I will then call you back and the noise of the ringing will make the male lose his erection and he will be able to withdraw."​
"Do you think that will work?" she asked.​
"Just worked on me," he replied. ​

[johnl]

80,000 blondes meet in a football stadium for a "Blondes Are Not Stupid" Convention. The leader says "We are all here today to prove to the world that blondes are not stupid. Can I have a volunteer?"

A blonde gingerly works her way through the crowd and steps up to the stage.

The leader asks her "What is 15 plus 15?" After 15 or 20 seconds she says "Eighteen!"

Obviously everyone is a little disappointed. Then 80,000 blondes start cheering "Give her another chance! Give her another chance!"

The leader says "Well since we've gone to the trouble of getting 80,000 of you in one place and we have the worldwide press and global broadcast media here, gee, uh, I guess we can give her another chance".

So he asks "What is 5 plus 5?" After nearly 30 seconds she eventually says "Ninety?"

The leader is quite perplexed, looks down and just lets out a dejected sigh. Everyone is disheartened. The blonde starts crying and the 80,000 girls begin to yell and wave their hands shouting "GIVE HER ANOTHER CHANCE! GIVE HER ANOTHER CHANCE!"

The leader, unsure whether or not he is doing more harm than damage, eventually says "Okay! Okay! Just one more chance - what's 2 plus 2?"

The girl closes her eyes, and after a whole minute eventually says "FOUR!?"

Throughout the stadium pandemonium breaks out as all 80,000 girls jump to their feet, wave their arms, stomp their feet and scream... "Give her another chance! Give her another chance!"

[johnl]

A drunk man who smelled of beer sat down on a subway next to a priest.....


The man's tie was stained, his face was plastered with red lipstick, and a half-empty bottle of gin was sticking out of his torn coat pocket. He opened his newspaper and began reading.

After a few minutes the man turned to the priest and asked, "Say Father, what causes arthritis?"

The priest replies, "My Son, it's caused by loose living, being with cheap, wicked women, too much alcohol, contempt for your fellow man, sleeping around with prostitutes, and lack of a bath."

The drunk muttered in response, "Well, I'll be damned”, then returned to his paper.

The priest, thinking about what he had said, nudged the man and apologized. "I'm very sorry. I didn't mean to come on so strong. How long have you had arthritis?"

The drunk answered, "I don't have it, Father. I was just reading here that the Pope does."

MORAL: Make sure you understand the question before you offer your answer.

[johnl]

After a relaxing bath, Monica Lewinsky was looking at herself naked in a mirror, remembering her time with Bill Clinton.

Her frustration over her inability to lose weight was depressing her .

In an act of desperation, she decided to call on God for help :

"God, if you take away my love handles, I'll devote my life to you" ....she prayed .

And , just like that ....her ears fell off. ​

[TexasMac]

John,

Good one. I'm slow so I had to think about the "love handles" for a second or two before I caught on.

Wayne

[johnl]

A little boy goes to his dad and asks, "What is politics?" The dad says, "Well son, let me try to explain it this way: I'm the breadwinner of the family, so let's call me capitalism. Your mother, she's the administrator of the money, so we'll call her the government. We're here to take care of your needs, so we'll call you the people. The nanny, we'll consider her the working class. And your baby brother, we'll call him the future. Now, think about that and see if that makes sense." The little boy goes off to bed thinking about what dad had said. Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying, so he gets up to check on him. He finds that the baby has soiled his diaper. The little boy goes to his parents' room and finds his mother sound asleep. Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny's room. Finding the door locked, he peeks in the keyhole and sees his father in bed with the nanny. He gives up and goes back to bed. The next morning, the little boy says to his father, "Dad, I think I understand the concept of politics now." The father says, "Good son, tell me in your own words what you think politics is all about." The little boy replies, "Well, while capitalism is fucking the working class, the government is sound asleep, the people are being ignored and the future is in deep shit."

[johnl]

50 Shades of Grey for Seniors


Back and forth . . . in and out . . . in and out . . . a little to the right . . . a little to the left . . . she could feel the sweat on her forehead . . . between her breasts . . . and, trickling down the small of her back . . . she was getting near to the end. He was in ecstasy . . . with a huge smile on his face as his wife moved . . . forwards then backwards . . . forward then backward . . . again . . . and again . . . her heart was pounding now . . her face was flushed . . . she moaned softly at first, then began to groan louder . . . finally . . . totally exhausted, she let out a piercing scream . . . "OK, OK, you smug bastard, I can't parallel park. You do it!"