Joke of the Day

[johnl]

The doctor asked the man how he was feeling, and the 86-year-old said, "things are great, and I've never felt better! I now have a 20-year-old bride who is pregnant with my child. What do you think about that, doc?"

The doctor considered the question for a minute, and then began to tell a story.

"I have an older friend, much like you, who is an avid hunter and never misses a season. One day he was setting off to go hunting. In a bit of a hurry, he accidentally picked up his walking cane instead of his gun."

"As he neared a lake, he came across a very large male beaver sitting at the water's edge. He realized he left his gun at home, and so, he couldn't shoot the magnificent creature. Out of habit he raised his cane, aimed it at the animal as if it was his favorite hunting rifle, and yelled 'bang bang'. Miraculously, two shots rang out and the beaver fell dead."

"Now, what do you think of that?" asked the doctor.

The 86-year-old replied, "logic would strongly suggest that somebody else pumped a few rounds into that beaver."

The doctor replied, "my point exactly."

[Griffiga]

A young man walked up to the door of a store when he noticed in the reflection of the glass an elderly woman right behind him. Opening the door, he stepped back and held it while the woman walked in. "Why thank you young man for being so gentlemanly, that is something you don't see much of now days." She said with a smile.
"You are certainly welcome." the young man answered, then went on to add, "I learned it from my grandpa."
"Oh how nice of him to teach you that." the woman responded.
The young man went on to say, "Yes, grandpa always opened the door for grandma - especially when she was coming in with a load of wood."

[johnl]

LITTLE JOHNNY IS BACK:

The teacher asked the class to use the word “fascinate” in a sentence.

Molly put up her hand and said, “My family went to my granddad's farm, and we all saw his pet sheep. It was fascinating."

The teacher said, “That was good, but I wanted you to use the word ‘fascinate,’ not 'fascinating'.”

Sally raised her hand. She said, “My family went to see Rock City and I was fascinated.”

The teacher said, “Well, that was good Sally, but I wanted you to use the word ‘fascinate’.”

Little Johnny raised his hand, but the teacher hesitated because she had been burned by Little Johnny before. She finally decided there was no way he could damage the word “fascinate,” so she called on him.

Johnny said, “My aunt Carolyn has a sweater with ten buttons, but her tits are so big she can only fasten eight!”

The teacher sat down and cried.

[johnl]

After my recent Prostate Exam, which was the most thorough I've ever had, the Doctor left and the nurse came in.

As she shut the door, she asked me a question I didn't want to hear.





She said,"Who Was That Guy?"

[johnl]

How do you decide who to marry?
HOW DO YOU DECIDE WHO TO MARRY?
(written by kids)

1. You got to find somebody who likes the same stuff. Like, if you
like sports, she should like it that you like sports, and she should
keep the chips and dip coming. -- Alan, age 10

-No person really decides before they grow up who they're going to
marry. God decides it all the way before, and you get to find out
later who you're stuck with. -- Kristen, age 10

2. WHAT IS THE RIGHT AGE TO GET MARRIED?
Twenty-three is the best age because you know the person FOREVER by
then.. -- Camille, age 10

3. HOW CAN A STRANGER TELL IF TWO PEOPLE ARE MARRIED?

You might have to guess, based on whether they seem to be yelling at
the same kids. -- Derrick, age 8

4. WHAT DO YOU THINK YOUR MOM AND DAD HAVE IN COMMON?

Both don't want any more kids. -- Lori, age 8

5. WHAT DO MOST PEOPLE DO ON A DATE?

-Dates are for having fun, and people should use them to get to know
each other. Even boys have something to say if you listen long
enough. -- Lynnette, age 8 (isn't she a treasure?)

- On the first date, they just tell each other lies and that usually
gets them interested enough to go for a second date. -- Martin, age
10

6. WHEN IS IT OKAY TO KISS SOMEONE?
-When they're rich. -- Pam, age 7 (Love her)

-The law says you have to be eighteen, so I wouldn't want to mess
with that. - - Curt, age 7

-The rule goes like this: If you kiss someone, then you should marry
them and have kids with them. It's the right thing to do.
Howard, age 8

7. IS IT BETTER TO BE SINGLE OR MARRIED
It's better for girls to be single but not for boys. Boys need someone
to clean up after them. -- Anita, age 9 (bless you child)

8. HOW WOULD THE WORLD BE DIFFERENT IF PEOPLE DIDN'T GET MARRIED?

There sure would be a lot of kids to explain, wouldn't there? --
Kelvin, age 8

And the #1 Favorite is.......
9. HOW WOULD YOU MAKE A MARRIAGE WORK?
Tell your wife that she looks pretty, even if she looks like a dump
truck. -- Ricky, age 9
HOW DO YOU DECIDE WHO TO MARRY?
(written by kids)

[Griffiga]

A pirate hobbles into a pub one day with a ship steering wheel stuck between his legs. "Wow," a patron says, "that's got to really bother you."
"Yes!" he responds, "It's driving me nuts!!"

[TexasMac]

Tis the season
===========================
The local bar was so sure that its bartender was the strongest man around
that they offered a standing $1000 bet. The bartender would squeeze a lemon
until all the juice ran into a glass and hand the lemon to a patron. Anyone
who could squeeze one more drop of juice out would win the money. Many
people had tried over time (weightlifters, longshoremen, etc.) but nobody
could do it.
One day this scrawny little man came in, wearing thick glasses and a
polyester suit, and said in a tiny, squeaky voice, "I'd like to try the
bet."
After the laughter had died down, the bartender said okay, grabbed a lemon
and squeezed away. Then he handed the wrinkled remains of the rind to the
little man.
But the crowd's laughter turned to total silence as the man clenched his
fist around the lemon and six drops fell into the glass.
As the crowd cheered, the bartender paid the $1000, and asked the little
man, "What do you do for a living? Are you a lumberjack, a weightlifter, or
what?"
The man replied, "I work for the IRS."

[TexasMac]

Little Johnny on famous quotes.
=============================

A teacher decides to let students out early if they can name some quote origins.

Teacher: "Who said 'Four Score and Seven Years Ago'?"
Before Johnny can open his mouth, Susie says, "Abraham Lincoln."

"That's right Susie, you can go home."

Teacher: "Who said 'I Have a Dream'?"
Before Johnny can open his mouth, Mary says, "Martin Luther King."

"That's right Mary, you can go."

Teacher: "Who said 'Ask not, what your country can do for you'?"
Before Johnny can open his mouth, Nancy says, "John F. Kennedy."

"That's right Nancy, you may also leave."

The teacher turns her back and then Johnny yells in frustration,
"I wish those dumb bit**es would keep their mouths shut!"

The teacher quickly turns around and she is livid and asks...
"WHO SAID THAT?!"

Johnny replies: "Harvey Weinstein, Bill Clinton, and Matt Lauer. I'll see you tomorrow?”

[johnl]

Good one Wayne

[Griffiga]

Mickey Mouse went to see a lawyer about divorcing Minnie. After a brief discussion Mickey left. The next day the lawyer calls Mickey and tells him he can't grant him a divorce on grounds of Minnie's insanity. "Insanity?" Mickey grumbles, "Who said anything about insanity? What I said she was that she was F___ing Goofy."

[johnl]

The Italian funeral



Start the weekend with a smile!
A Jewish man was leaving a convenience store with his espresso when he noticed a most unusual Italian funeral procession approaching the nearby cemetery. A black hearse was followed by a second black hearse about 50 feet behind the first one. Behind the second hearse was a solitary Italian man walking a dog on a leash. Behind him, a short distance back, were about 200 men walking in single file.

The Jewish man couldn't stand the curiosity. He respectfully approached the Italian man walking the dog and said: "I am so sorry for your loss, and this may be a bad time to disturb you, but I've never seen an Italian funeral like this. Whose funeral, is it?"

"My wife's."

"What happened to her?"

"She yelled at me and my dog attacked and killed her."

He inquired further, "But who is in the second hearse?"

“My mother-in-law. She came to help my wife and the dog turned on her and killed her also."

It was a very poignant and touching moment of Jewish and Italian brotherhood ... Silence passed between the two men.

The Jewish man then asked "Can I borrow the dog?"

The Italian man replied, "Get in line."

[Lead40]

A RETIREE'S LAST TRIP TO COSTCO

Yesterday I was at Costco, buying a large bag of
Purina dog chow for my loyal pet, Owen,
the Wonder Dog and was in the check-out line when a
woman behind me asked if I had a dog. What did she think I had,
an Elephant?

So because I'm retired and have little to do, on
impulse, I told her that no, I didn't have a dog,
I was starting the Purina Diet again. I added that I
Probably shouldn't because I ended up in the hospital last time, but
that I lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward
with tubes coming out of most of my orfices and IV'S in both arms.

I told her that it was essentially a Perfect Diet
and that the way that it works is to load your pants pockets with
Purina Nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry.
The food is nutritionally complete,(certified), so it works well and
I was going to try it again. (I have to mention here that practically
everyone in line was now enthralled with my story.)

Horrified, she asked if I ended up in intensive care,
because the dog food poisoned me. I told her no, I had stopped
to pee on a fire hydrant and a car hit me.

Well, I thought the guy behind her was going to have
a heart attack he was laughing so hard.

Costco won't let me shop there anymore. Better watch
what you ask retired people. They have all the time in the world to
think of crazy things to say.

[johnl]

An Irish daughter had not been home for over three years.
Upon her return home, her father yelled at her, "Where have ye been all this time?
Why did ye not write to us? Not even a line! Why didn't ye call? Can ye not understand what ye put yer ol' mother thru?"

The girl, crying, replied, sniff....sniff.... "Dad, I was too embarrassed for I became a prostitute."
Ye what?!! Out of here, ye shameless hussy! Sinner! Ye're a disgrace to this Catholic family, so ye are."
"OK Daddy, as ye wish... I just came back to give Mommy this luxurious fur coat, a cheque for 2 million pounds and the title deed to an eight bedroom mansion.
For me little brother Shamus, this solid gold Rolex.
And for ye, Daddy, the sparkling new limited edition convertible Mercedes parked out front plus a life membership to the Limerick Country Club."
She takes a deep breath and continues, "And an invitation for ye all to spend New Year's Eve on board me new yacht in the Caribbean."
"Now what was it ye said ye had become?" her father asked.
The girl, crying again, said, sniff...sniff... "A prostitute Daddy." sniff...sniff.
"Oh! Me goodness! Ye scared me half to death girl! I thought ye said ye had become a PROTESTANT! Come here and give yer ol' Dad a big hug

[johnl]

The rain had stopped and there was a large puddle just outside the door to the American Legion hall.
A rumpled old Navy Chief was standing near the edge with a fishing line in the puddle. A curious young
Marine fighter pilot came over to him and asked what he was doing.
"Fishing," the old Chief simply said. "Poor old chief," the Marine officer thought to himself and invited
the old Navy Chief into the bar for a drink.
As he felt he should start a conversation while they were sipping their spirits, the young jet pilot winked
at another pilot and asked the Chief, "How many have you caught today?"
"You're number 14," the old Chief answered, taking another sip from his double shot of 12-year-old Scotch,
"2 Air Force, 3 Army and 9 Marines.

[kenny s]

What is the Liberal definition of a Bigot?
A conservative that is winning an argument!