Joke of the Day

[johnl]

An 89 year old woman was arrested for shop lifting. When she went before the judge, he asked her "What did you steal?"
"I stole a can of peaches."
The judge asked her why she stole a can of peaches, and without hesitation she replied that she was hungry. Then the judge asked her how many peaches were in the can. She replied 6.
The judge then said, "I will give you 6 days in jail, one day for each peach stolen."
Before the judge could actually pronounce the punishment, the woman's husband spoke up and asked if he could say something on his wife's behalf. The judge said yes.
The husband said, “She also stole a can of peas.”

[johnl]

A delightful angelic little boy was waiting for his mother outside the ladies room of the gas station.

As he stood there, he was approached by a man who asked "Sonny, can you tell me where the Post Office is?"

The little boy replied "Sure! Just go straight down this street two blocks and turn to your right. It's on the left".

The man thanked the boy kindly, complimented him on how bright he was and said "I'm the new pastor in town. If you and your mummy come to church on Sunday, I'll show you how to get to Heaven".


The little boy replied with a chuckle "You're bs-ing me, right? You can't even find the Post Office!"

[bruce m]

i believe this to be true.
during ww2 in britain there was a security group consisting only of officers.
they were known as the eunics.
keep safe,
bruce.

[johnl]

Arab Surgery

An Arab Sheikh was admitted to Hospital for heart surgery, but prior to the surgery, the doctors needed to have some of his blood type stored in case the need arose.

As the gentleman had an extremely rare type of blood that couldn't be found locally, the call went out around the world.

Finally, a Scotsman was located who had the same rare blood type. After some coaxing, the Scot donated his blood for the Arab.

After the surgery, the Arab sent the Scotsman a new BMW, a diamond necklace for his wife, and $100,000 US dollars in appreciation for the blood donation.

A few months later, the Arab had to undergo a corrective surgery procedure.

Once again, his doctor telephoned the Scotsman who this time was more than happy to donate his blood. After the second surgery, the Arab sent the Scotsman a thank-you card and a box of Quality Street chocolates. The Scotsman was shocked that the Arab did not reciprocate his kind gesture as he had anticipated.

He then phoned the Arab and asked him: "I thought you would be more generous than that - last time you sent me a BMW, diamonds and money, but this time you only sent me a lousy thank-you card and a crappy box of chocolates!?"

To this the Arab replied: "Aye laddie, but I now have Scottish blood in me veins."




Hardy har har.

[johnl]

A cowboy walks into a bar and takes a seat next to a very attractive woman. He gives her a quick glance then causally looks at his watch for a moment. The woman notices this and asks, "Is your date running late?"


"No", he replies,"I just got this state-of the-art watch, and I was just testing it.." The intrigued woman says, "A state-of-the-art watch? What"s so special about it?"


The cowboy explains, "It uses alpha waves to talk to me telepathically." The lady says, "What"s it telling you now?" Well, it says you're not wearing any panties." The woman giggles and replies "Well it must be broken because I am wearing panties!" The cowboy smiles, taps his watch and says, "Damn thing's an hour fast."

[johnl]

A woman walked into the bar. She was the ugliest thing you have ever seen. Sweaty, covered in spots and smelling of piss. She also had the hairiest armpits you have ever seen. Suddenly she raised her arm, hairs sticking out of her armpit, and said "What man out there will buy a woman a drink?"

Everyone ignored her apart from a little drunken guy in the corner. "Bartender!" the guy shouted "I will buy that ballerina a drink!"

The bartender gives the woman a whiskey and she knocks it back in one gulp. Instantly, she raises her arm again, hairs sticking out of her smelly armpit, points at all the men and again says "What man out there will buy a lady a drink?"

Again the little drunken guy says "Bartender, buy that ballerina another drink!"

The barman gives another whiskey to the ugly woman and then turns to the little drunken guy and says "I know it's none of my business if you want to buy a lady a drink, but why do you keep calling her a ballerina?"

"Sir" replied the drunk "any woman who can lift her leg up that high has to be a ballerina!"

[johnl]

Folklore tells us that Pele is the Hawaiian goddess of fire, lightning, wind, and volcanoes and the creator of the Hawaiian Islands.
According to ancient Hawaiian tradition the quickest way to appease Pele and have her stop the volcanic fires is to make a human sacrifice into her fires.
The tradition goes on to say that the sacrifice needs to be a Hawaiian born celebrated leader who is considered one of the most powerful men in the world.

Obama quickly announced that he was actually born in Kenya and has a Birth Certificate to prove it and is ready to show it.

[johnl]

Morris and his wife Esther went to the state fair every year, And every year Morris would say, 'Esther,I'd like to ride in that helicopter.' ; Esther always replied, 'I know Morris, but that helicopter ride is fifty dollars, And fifty dollars is fifty dollars'

One year Esther and Morris went to the fair, and Morris said, 'Esther, I'm 85 years old. If I don't ride that helicopter, I might never get another chance.' To this, Esther replied, 'Morris that helicopter ride is fifty dollars, and fifty dollars is fifty dollars.'

The pilot overheard the couple and said, 'Folks I'll make you a deal. I'll take the both of you for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and don't say a word I won't charge you a penny! But if you say one word it's fifty dollars.'

Morris and Esther agreed and up they went. The pilot did all kinds of fancy maneuvers, but not a word was heard. He did his daredevil tricks over and over again, But still not a word.

When they landed, the pilot turned to Morris and said, 'By golly, I did everything I could to get you to yell out, but you didn't. I'm impressed!'

Morris replied, 'Well, to tell you the truth, I almost said something when Esther fell out, But you know, fifty dollars is fifty dollars!

[johnl]

Is sex work?

A U.S. Marine Colonel was about to start the morning briefing to his staff. While waiting for the coffee machine to finish brewing, the colonel decided to pose a question to all assembled. He explained that his wife had been a bit frisky the night before and he failed to get his usual amount of sound sleep. He posed the question of just how much of sex was "work" and how much of it was "pleasure?" A Major chimed in with 75-25% in favor of work. A Captain said it was 50-50%. A lieutenant responded with 25-75% in favor of pleasure, depending upon his state of inebriation at the time. There being no consensus, the colonel turned to the PFC who was in charge of making the coffee and asked for HIS opinion? Without any hesitation, the young PFC responded, "Sir, it has to be 100% pleasure." The colonel was surprised and as you might guess, asked why? "Well, sir, if there was any work involved, the officers would have me doing it for them." The room fell silent.

God Bless the enlisted man.

[johnl]

A Mid-West rancher got in his pickup and drove to a neighboring ranch and knocked at the door.
A young boy, about 9, opened the door. "Is your Dad home?" the rancher asked.

"No sir, he isn't," the boy replied. "He went into town."

"Well, is your Mother here?"

"No sir, she's not here either. She went into town with Dad."

"What about your brother, Howard? Is he here?"

"No sir, He went with Mom and Dad."

The rancher stood there for a few minutes, shifting from one foot to the other, rubbing his face and mumbling to himself.

"Is there anything I can do for you, sir?" the boy asked politely. "I know where all the tools are, if you want to borrow one. Or maybe I could take a message for Dad."

"Well," said the rancher uncomfortably, "I really wanted to talk to your Dad.” Paused then continued. “It's about your brother Howard getting my daughter, Suzie, pregnant."'

The boy considered this for a moment. "Well, you're right, you do need to talk to Pa about that," he finally conceded.

"But if it helps you any, I know that Pa charges $500 for the bull and $50 for the hog, but I really don't know how much he gets for Howard."

[johnl]

Your Duck is Dead

A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgeon. As she laid her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird's chest.

After a moment or two, the vet shook his head and sadly said, "I'm sorry, your duck, Cuddles, has passed away."


The distressed woman wailed, "Are you sure?"


"Yes, I am sure. Your duck is dead," replied the vet..


"How can you be so sure?" she protested.. "I mean you haven't done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something."


The vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the room. He returned a few minutes later with a black Labrador Retriever. As the duck's owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table and sniffed the duck from top to bottom. He then looked up at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head.


The vet patted the dog on the head and took it out of the room. A few minutes later the returned with a cat. The cat jumped on the table and also delicately sniffed the bird from head to foot. The cat sat back on its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly and strolled out of the room.


The vet looked at the woman and said, "I'm sorry, but as I said, this is most definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck."


The vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a bill, which he handed to the woman..


The duck's owner, still in shock, took the bill. "$150!" she cried,"$150 just to tell me my duck is dead!"


The vet shrugged, "I'm sorry. If you had just taken my word for it, the bill would have been $20, but with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan, it's now $150."

[johnl]

A Well Run Business
Me: I was doing an overnight at a hotel away from home. I took my computer down to the bar to do some data entries. I sat down at the bar and I asked the bartender, ‘What’s the wifi password?’

Bartender: 'You need to buy a drink first.'

Me: 'Okay, I’ll have a beer.'

Bartender: 'We have Molson’s Canadian on tap'

Me: 'Sure. How much is that?'

Bartender: '$8.00.'

Me: 'Here you are. OK now, what’s the wifi password?'

Bartender: ' "youneedtobuyadrinkfirst"; No spaces and all lowercase.'

[johnl]

Teacher: "Kids, what does the chicken give you?"

Student: "Meat!"

Teacher: "Very good! Now what does the pig give you?"

Student: "Bacon!"

Teacher: "Great! And what does the fat cow give you?"

Student: "Homework!"

[johnl]

Last week, we took some friends to a new restaurant "Steve's Place" and noticed that the waiter who took our order carried a spoon in his shirt pocket.

It seemed a little strange.
When the busboy brought our water and utensils, I observed that he also had a spoon in his shirt pocket.
Then I looked around and saw that all the staff had spoons in their pockets.
When the waiter came back to serve our soup I inquired "Why the spoon?"
"Well" he explained "the restaurant's owner hired a consulting company to revamp all of our processes. After several months of analysis, they concluded that the spoon was the most frequently dropped utensil. It represents a drop frequency of approximately 3 spoons per table per hour.
"If our personnel are better prepared, we can reduce the number of trips back to the kitchen and save 15 man-hours per shift".

As luck would have it, I dropped my spoon and he replaced it with his spare. "I'll get another spoon next time I go to the kitchen instead of making an extra trip to get it right now".
I was impressed.
I also noticed that there was a string hanging out of the waiter's fly.
Looking around, I saw that all of the waiters had the same string hanging from their flies.
So, before he walked off, I asked the waiter "Excuse me, but can you tell me why you have that string right there?"
"Oh, certainly!" Then he lowered his voice. "Not everyone is so observant. That consulting firm I mentioned also learned that we can save time in the restroom.

By tying this string to the tip of our
you-know-what, we can pull it out without touching it and eliminate the need to wash our hands, shortening the time spent in the restroom by 76.39%.

I asked quietly "After you get it out, how do you put it back?"
"Well" he whispered "I don't know about the others, but I use the spoon"

[johnl]

A Priest was being honoured at his retirement dinner after 25 years in the parish. A leading local figure and member of the congregation was chosen to make the presentation and to give a little speech at the dinner. However, he was delayed, so the Priest decided to say his own few words while they waited:

"I got my first impression of the parish from the first confession I heard here. I thought I had been assigned to a terrible place. The very first person who entered my confessional told me he had stolen a television set and, when questioned by the police, was able to lie his way out of it.

He had stolen money from his parents; embezzled from his employer; had an affair with his boss's wife; had sex with his boss's 17-year old daughter on numerous occasions; taken illegal drugs; had several homosexual encounters; was arrested several times for public nudity and gave a sexually transmitted disease to his sister-in-law.

I was appalled that one person could do so many awful things. But as the days went on, I learned that my people were not all like that and I had, indeed, come to a fine parish full of good and loving people".

Just as the Priest finished his talk, the politician arrived full of apologies at being late. He immediately began to make the presentation and gave his talk:

"I'll never forget the first day our parish Priest arrived" said the politician "In fact, I had the honour of being the first person to go to him for confession".

Moral of the story: Don't be late.