Joke of the Day

[patchbox]

BLACK TESTICLES

A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose.

A young, student nurse appears to give him a partial sponge bath.

Nurse', he mumbles, from behind the mask. 'Are my testicles black?'

Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, 'I don't know, Sir.

I'm only here to wash your upper body and feet.'

He struggles to ask again, 'Nurse, please check. Are my testicles black?'

Concerned that he may elevate his blood pressure and heart rate from worry about his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment and pulls back the covers.

She raises his gown, holds his manhood in one hand and his testicles in the other.

Then, she takes a close look and says, There's nothing wrong with them,

Sir!' The man pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her and says very slowly...... 'Thank you very much.

That was wonderful, but, listen very, very closely...... A r e - m y - t e s t - r e s u l t s - b a c k?

[patchbox]

Trick or Treating:

Top 6 Reasons Why Trick or Treating is Better than Sex*

1. You never know what you will get.

2. Guaranteed to get at least a little something in the sack.

3. The uglier you look, the easier it is to get some.

4. If you get a stomach ache, it won't last 9 months.

5. If you wear your Batman mask, no-one thinks you're kinky

6. If you don't get what you want, you can always go next door!

[patchbox]

There was a woman who was quite morbidly obese.
She is so big that one day her behind gets stuck in the toilet. She struggles and struggles but cannot get herself out.
She yells to her husband Ralph, “Get me out of here”.
Ralph runs to see her but quickly realizes there is little he can do.
Finally he gives up and tells her the only thing that can be done is to call a plumber to take the toilet apart.
A few minutes later the plumber pulls into the driveway.
The woman suddenly realizes she has no pants on and tells her husband: “Hurry give me something to cover up.”
The husband thinks fast and gives her his yarmulke which she puts over her ‘private area”.
The plumber opens the bathroom door and turns to the husband and says; “Well I think I can get your wife out, but I am pretty sure the rabbi is a goner.”

[patchbox]

OLD people have problems that you haven't even considered yet!


An 85-year-old man was requested by his Doctor for a sperm count as part of his physical
exam.

The doctor gave the man a jar and said, 'Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample
tomorrow.'

The next day the 85-year-old man reappeared at the doctor's office and gave him the jar,
which was as clean and empty as on the previous day.

The doctor asked what happened and the man explained, 'Well, doc, it's like this -- first tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing.

'Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then with her left, still nothing. She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in,then with her teeth out, still nothing.

'We even called up Arleen, the lady next door and she tried too, first with both hands, then an armpit, and she even tried squeezin' it between her knees, but still nothing..'

The doctor was shocked!

'You asked your neighbor?'

The old man replied,

'Yep, none of us could get the jar open.

[patchbox]

OLD people have problems that you haven't even considered yet!


An 85-year-old man was requested by his Doctor for a sperm count as part of his physical
exam.

The doctor gave the man a jar and said, 'Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample
tomorrow.'

The next day the 85-year-old man reappeared at the doctor's office and gave him the jar,
which was as clean and empty as on the previous day.

The doctor asked what happened and the man explained, 'Well, doc, it's like this -- first tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing.

'Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then with her left, still nothing. She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in,then with her teeth out, still nothing.

'We even called up Arleen, the lady next door and she tried too, first with both hands, then an armpit, and she even tried squeezin' it between her knees, but still nothing..'

The doctor was shocked!

'You asked your neighbor?'

The old man replied,

'Yep, none of us could get the jar open.

[patchbox]

An old man calls his son and says, "Listen, your mother and I are getting divorced. Forty-five years of misery is enough."

"Dad, what are you talking about?" the son screams.

“We can't stand the sight of each other any longer,” he says. "I'm sick of her face, and I'm sick of talking about this, so call your sister and tell her," and he hangs up....

Now, the son is worried. He calls his sister. She says, "Like hell they’re getting divorced!" She calls their father immediately. "You’re not getting divorced! Don't do another thing. The two of us are flying home tomorrow to talk about this. Until then, don't call a lawyer, don't file a paper. DO YOU HEAR ME?” She hangs up the phone.

The old man turns to his wife and says, "Okay, they’re both coming for Christmas and paying their own airfares.

[patchbox]

I was telling a girl in the pub about my ability to guess what day a woman was born just by feeling her boobs.

"Really" she said, "Go on then...try.

After about thirty seconds of fondling she began to lose patience and said, "Come on, what day was I born"?

I said, "Yesterday."
***********

[patchbox]

One more:

An old man sitting on his front porch down in Louisiana , watching the sun rise sees the neighbor's kid walk by carrying something big under his arm.

He yells out "Hey boy, what'cha got there?"

Boy yells back "Roll of chicken wire."

Old man says "What you gonna do with that?"

Boy says "Catch some chickens."

Old man yells "You damn fool, you can't catch chickens with chicken wire”.

Boy just laughs and keeps walking.

That evening at sunset the boy comes walking by and to the old man's surprise he is dragging behind him the chicken wire with about 30 chickens caught in it.

Same time next morning the old man is out watching the sun rise and he sees the boy walk by carrying something kind of round in his hand.

Old man yells out "Hey boy, whatcha got there?"

Boy yells back "Roll of duck tape."

Old man says "What you gonna do with that?"

Boy says back "Catch me some ducks."

Old man yells back, "You damn fool, you can't catch ducks with duck tape!"

Boy just laughs and keeps walking.

That night around sunset the boy walks by coming home and to the old man's amazement he is trailing behind him the unrolled roll of duck tape with about 35 ducks caught in it.

Same time next morning the old man sees the boy walking by carrying what looks like a long reed with something fuzzy on the end. Old man says "Heyboy, what'cha got there?"

Boy says "It's a pussy willow."

Old man says "Hold on, I'll get my hat."

[Glen Ring]

A man about 80 years old goes for his yearly physical. The Dr. asked him if he was doing all right and the man replied " I'm great, as a matter of fact did you see that young woman who came into your office with me? " The Dr said " Well yes,I did notice her. She is Very pretty." The old man snapped " Well that's my wife and as a matter of fact, that baby she was holding is MY child..so I'm thinking I'm doing pretty good."

The Dr. said " I see...( as he continued the examination and read all the test results) The Dr continued..." I have a friend your age and the other day he went bear hunting. He mistakenly picked up an umbrella instead of his rifle. He was walking though the woods when a HUGE bear stood up in front of him. My friend pointed his umbrella at the bear, yelled BANG and the bear fell over dead."

The old man on the examination table snapped " That's a bunch of BS...someone else shot that bear"

The Dr. looked at the old man in silence for a moment and said " That's what I'm trying to tell you about the baby."

[patchbox]

Students in an advanced Biology class were taking their mid-term exam. The last question was, 'Name seven advantages of Mother's Milk.' The question was worth 70 points or none at all.


One student, in particular, was hard put to think of seven advantages However, he wrote:

1) It is perfect formula for the child.
2) It provides immunity against several diseases.
3) It is always the right temperature.
4) It is inexpensive.
5) It bonds the child to mother, and vice versa.
6) It is always available as needed.
And then the student was stuck. Finally, in desperation, just before the bell rang indicating the end of the test, he wrote:

7) It comes in two attractive containers and it's high enough off the ground where the cat can't get it.

He got an A.

[patchbox]

Rear car window:

[SSShooter]

SENIOR’S MEDICAL ADVICE

I don't understand why prescription medicine is allowed to advertise on TV or why anyone would think of trying one of the medicines after listening to the laundry list of warnings of possible side effects. But this is definitely an exception!

Do you have feelings of inadequacy?
Do you suffer from shyness?
Do you sometimes wish you were more assertive?
Do you sometimes feel stressed?

If you answered yes to any of these questions, ask your doctor or pharmacist about Cabernet Sauvignon.

Cabernet Sauvignon is the safe, natural way to feel better and more confident. It can help ease you out of your shyness and let you tell the world that you're ready and willing to do just about anything.

You will notice the benefits of Cabernet Sauvignon almost immediately and, with a regimen of regular doses, you'll overcome obstacles that prevent you from living the life you want.

Shyness and awkwardness will be a thing of the past. You will discover talents you never knew you had.

Cabernet Sauvignon may not be right for everyone. Women who are pregnant or nursing should not use it but women who wouldn't mind nursing or becoming pregnant are encouraged to try it.

Side Effects May Include:
Dizziness, nausea, vomiting, incarceration, loss of motor control, loss of clothing, loss of money, delusions of grandeur, table dancing, headache, dehydration, dry mouth, and a desire to sing Karaoke and play all-night Strip Poker, Truth Or Dare, and Naked Twister.

Warnings:
The consumption of Cabernet Sauvignon may make you think you are whispering when you are not.
The consumption of Cabernet Sauvignon may cause you to tell your friends over and over again that you love them.
The consumption of Cabernet Sauvignon may cause you to think you can sing.
The consumption of Cabernet Sauvignon may create the illusion that you are tougher, smarter, faster and better looking than most people.

Chardonnay, Scotch, Vodka or Bourbon and of course Beer may be substituted for Cabernet Sauvignon, with similar results.

Please feel free to share this important information.

LIFE IS A CABERNET OLD CHUM.

[Gussy]

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[johnl]

trump and the queen

Only the British would tell this story:



As Air Force One arrives at the Heathrow Airport, President Trump strides to a warm and dignified reception from the Queen. They are driven in a 1934 Bentley to the edge of central London, where they change to a magnificent 17th century carriage hitched to six white horses.



They continue on towards Buckingham Palace, waving to the thousands of cheering Brits; all is going well.



Suddenly, the right rear horse lets out the most horrendous earth shattering fart ever heard in the British Empire. The smell is so atrocious that both passengers in the carriage must use handkerchiefs over their noses. The fart shakes the coach, but the two Heads of State do their best

to ignore the incident.



The Queen politely turns to President Trump and says: "Mr. President, please accept my deepest regrets. I am sure you understand there are some things that even a Queen cannot control."



Trump, always trying to be "Presidential" responded: "Your Majesty, do not give the matter another thought. Until you mentioned it, I thought it was one of the horses.

[TexasMac]

Since many of you guys are getting up in the years & haven’t recently seen an urologist, here’s a simple do-it-yourself urine test.

Go outside and pee in the garden.
If ants gather: - diabetes.
If you pee on your feet: - prostate.
If it smells like a barbecue: - cholesterol.
If when you shake it, your wrist hurts: - osteoarthritis.
If you return to your room with your penis outside your pants: - Alzheimer