Joke of the Day

Talk with other Shiloh Sharps shooters.

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patchbox
Posts: 328
Joined: Tue Apr 24, 2012 10:47 am
Location: California

Re: Joke of the Day

Post by patchbox »

OLD people have problems that you haven't even considered yet!


An 85-year-old man was requested by his Doctor for a sperm count as part of his physical
exam.

The doctor gave the man a jar and said, 'Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample
tomorrow.'

The next day the 85-year-old man reappeared at the doctor's office and gave him the jar,
which was as clean and empty as on the previous day.

The doctor asked what happened and the man explained, 'Well, doc, it's like this -- first tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing.

'Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then with her left, still nothing. She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in,then with her teeth out, still nothing.

'We even called up Arleen, the lady next door and she tried too, first with both hands, then an armpit, and she even tried squeezin' it between her knees, but still nothing..'

The doctor was shocked!

'You asked your neighbor?'

The old man replied,

'Yep, none of us could get the jar open.
patchbox
Posts: 328
Joined: Tue Apr 24, 2012 10:47 am
Location: California

Re: Joke of the Day

Post by patchbox »

A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband.

Suddenly, her husband burst into the kitchen.

'Careful,' he said, 'CAREFUL! Put in some more butter!

Oh my gosh! You're cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW!

We need more butter.

Oh my gosh! WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER?

They're going to STICK! Careful. CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL!

You NEVER listen to me when you're cooking! Never!

Turn them! Hurry up!

Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind?

Don't forget to salt them. You know you always forget to salt them. Use the! salt. USE THE SALT! THE SALT!'

The wife stared at him. 'What in the world is wrong with you? You think I don't know how to fry a couple of eggs?'

The husband calmly replied, 'I just wanted to show you what it feels like when I'm driving.'
patchbox
Posts: 328
Joined: Tue Apr 24, 2012 10:47 am
Location: California

Re: Joke of the Day

Post by patchbox »

Rules For Dating My Daughter

# 1 If you pull into my driveway and honk, you better be delivering a package because for sure you are not picking up anything.

# 2 You do not touch my daughter in front of me. You may glance at her, so as you do, DO NOT peer at anything below the neck. If you cannot keep your eyes or hands off my daughter's body, I will remove them for you.

# 3 I know it is "fashionable" for boys of your age to wear their pants so loosely that they appear to be falling off their hips. I think that is "stupid". Still I want to be fair and open-minded. Therefore I propose a compromise: you may come to the door with underwear showing and your pants 5 sizes too big. That is okay. However to make sure that your clothes do not come off while you on your date with my daughter, I will take my electric nail gun and fasten your pants securely in place to your waist. Deal??

# 4 As you stand in my front hallway, waiting for my "angel" to appear, and more than an hour goes by do not sigh and fidget. If you want to be on time for things do NOT date. My "angel" is taking her time putting on makeup, which for some reason can take a long time. So instead of just standing there, why don't you do something useful like shovel the snow or mow the lawn??
patchbox
Posts: 328
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Location: California

Re: Joke of the Day

Post by patchbox »

Relationship between gender, white supremacy, and climate change
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Gussy
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Re: Joke of the Day

Post by Gussy »

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SSShooter
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Another Blonde Joke

Post by SSShooter »

A blonde just couldn't resist putting the top down taking here new red sports car out for a high speed spin. And, of course, after a few minutes a cop pulls her over for speeding. The cop happened to also be a younger blonde. She asks the sports car blonde for her license and insurance papers. After digging thru her purse she realizes she must have forgotten her billfold. In her desperation she grabs her compact, looks in the mirror and hands it to the blonde cop. The cop looks in the mirror and then snaps the compact shut and hands it back, saying, "Sorry, I did not realize your were also a cop".
Glenn
rgchristensen
Posts: 180
Joined: Sat Jan 16, 2016 10:51 pm

Re: Joke of the Day

Post by rgchristensen »

blonde joke

A young lady was driving along a country road and saw a man tending a flock of sheep. She stopped to talk, and said that she had always wanted to have a sheep of her own. Man told her that if she could guess how many sheep there were, he'd give her one. She guessed 274. He says, "Exactly right, pick one out", and she did'. Man said, " Now I should get a chance to guess something about you!" Fair enough, she said. Man says 'If I can guess your original hair color, can I have my dog back?"
rgchristensen
Posts: 180
Joined: Sat Jan 16, 2016 10:51 pm

Re: Joke of the Day

Post by rgchristensen »

blonde joke

A young lady was driving along a country road and saw a man tending a flock of sheep. She stopped to talk, and said that she had always wanted to have a sheep of her own. Man told her that if she could guess how many sheep there were, he'd give her one. She guessed 274. He says, "Exactly right, pick one out", and she did'. Man said, " Now I should get a chance to guess something about you!" Fair enough, she said. Man says 'If I can guess your original hair color, can I have my dog back?"
Gussy
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Re: Joke of the Day

Post by Gussy »

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VenisonRX
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Re: Joke of the Day

Post by VenisonRX »

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—Tom
TexasMac
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Re: Joke of the Day

Post by TexasMac »

HELL EXPLAINED BY A CHEMISTRY STUDENT

The following is an actual question given on a University of Arizona chemistry mid-term exam and an actual answer turned in by a student.

The answer by one student was so 'profound' that the professor shared it with colleagues, via the Internet, which is, of course, why we now have the pleasure of enjoying it as well.

Bonus Question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)?

Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law(gas cools when it expands and heats when it is compressed) or some variant.

One student, however, wrote the following:

First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So we need to know the rate at which souls are moving into Hell and the rate at which they are leaving, which is unlikely. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving. As for how many souls are entering Hell, let's look at the different religions that exist in the world today.

Most of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell. Since there is more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all souls go to Hell. With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially. Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand proportionately as souls are added.

This gives two possibilities:
1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose.
2. If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over.

So, which is it?
If we accept the postulate given to me by Teresa during my Freshman year that, 'It will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you,' and take into account the fact that I slept with her last night, then number two must be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and has already frozen over. The corollary of this theory is that since Hell has frozen over, it follows that it is not accepting any more souls and is therefore, extinct....leaving only Heaven, thereby proving the existence of a divine being which explains why, last night, Teresa kept shouting...'Oh my God.'

THIS STUDENT RECEIVED AN A+.
:lol:
NRA Life (Benefactor & President's Council) Member, TSRA Life Member, NSSF Member, Author & Publisher of the Browning BPCR book
http://www.texas-mac.com
amprat
Posts: 26
Joined: Wed Oct 13, 2021 6:53 pm

Re: Joke of the Day

Post by amprat »

Chimpanzees are clever animals; one of the few that makes tools. But one chimp was much better than the others; he made tools to eat with. One was a single sharp blade which he called his one-point-tool. The other had four prongs and he called this one his four-point-tool. Using them together, he could cut up fruit and eat it without any of the mess that chimps usually make. The rest of his troop were massively impressed and quite jealous; they all wanted the tools.
But one day he went to eat a mango, only to find his four-point-tool was missing. His first thoughts were that one of the jealous chimps had pinched it, but, after several arguments and fights (they were chimps after all) he concluded that it wasn’t one of them.
So off he went to talk to some of the other animals. First he came to the Lion.
"Good morning, Mr Lion" said the monkey.
"Good morning, monkey"
"Have you seen my four-point tool anywhere?"
"No," said the lion "But I did see the Giraffe a little way back there. Maybe he's seen your four-point tool"
So the monkey ran to find the giraffe.
"Good morning, Mr Giraffe"
"Good morning, monkey"
"Have you seen my four point tool anywhere please?"
"Well, I might have done" said the giraffe "I think I saw the jaguar with it an hour ago. You'll probably find him by the river."
So the monkey ran to find the jaguar.
"Good morning Mr Jaguar"
"Good morning, monkey"
"Have you seen my four point tool anywhere, please?"
"Well, actually I have" said the jaguar. "And I'm afraid I've eaten it".
"Eaten it??? EATEN IT? ? ? ? " The monkey was almost in tears "but that was my favourite four point tool. Why did you do that... WHY???"
"I'm sorry monkey, but it is in my nature, I couldn't help myself"
"What do you mean it is in your nature, that's just not FAIR" the monkey felt his heart breaking
The jaguar was upset, and felt the monkey really needed the truth
"I really am sorry, monkey, it's just that I'm a four point tool eater jaguar".
Dgunner
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Re: Joke of the Day

Post by Dgunner »

Why did the turtle cross the road?





He had to get to the Shell station
D-Gunner
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kenny sd
Posts: 382
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Re: Joke of the Day

Post by kenny sd »

When you're arguing with a woman, there are two things you can say...
Both of them are wrong...

(Mr. Will Rogers)

If a husband is alone in a room and he speaks...
Is he still wrong?

If my wife is alone in a room....
she still has. three opinions, four agendas and a complaint

( you tell my wife about this and I'll come and get you!) HA..... :D
TexasMac
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Re: Joke of the Day

Post by TexasMac »

As we slowly move through retirement, we need to keep ourselves occupied with small projects.........Like this guy.
I know, I saw it right away too... No safety glasses or hearing protection. And I caught something else that is really important: he has no gloves on.
I might be up in age but I am still sharp as a tack! :mrgreen: :lol:

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NRA Life (Benefactor & President's Council) Member, TSRA Life Member, NSSF Member, Author & Publisher of the Browning BPCR book
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