Joke of the Day

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TexasMac
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Re: Joke of the Day

Post by TexasMac »

A man boarded an airplane and took his seat. As he settled in, he glanced up and saw the most beautiful woman boarding the plane. He soon realized She was heading straight towards his seat. As fate would have it, she took the seat right beside his. Eager to strike up a conversation he blurted out, “Business trip or pleasure?”
She turned, smiled and said, “Business. I’m going to the Annual Nymphomaniacs of America Convention in Boston."
He swallowed hard. Here was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen sitting next to him, and she was going to a meeting of nymphomaniacs!
Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked, “What’s your business at this convention?”
“Lecturer,” she responded. “I use information that I have learned from my personal experiences to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality.”
“Really?” he said. “And what kind of myths are there?”
“Well,” she explained, “one popular myth is that African-American men are the most well-endowed of all men, when in fact it is the Native American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait. Another popular myth is that Frenchmen are the best lovers, when actually it is Scotsmen who are the best. I have also discovered that the lover with absolutely the best stamina is the Irish
Suddenly the woman became a little uncomfortable and blushed.. “I’m sorry,” she said, “I shouldn't really be discussing all of this with you. I don’t even know your name.”
“Tonto,” the man said, “Tonto McTavish but my friends call me Paddy".
:lol:
NRA Life (Benefactor & President's Council) Member, TSRA Life Member, NSSF Member, Author & Publisher of the Browning BPCR book
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johnl
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Re: Joke of the Day

Post by johnl »

A fire fighter is working on the engine outside the station when he notices a little boy next door in a little red wagon with a tiny ladders hung off the side and a garden hose tightly coiled in the middle.

The boy is wearing a fire fighter's helmet and has the wagon tied to a dog and a cat. The fire fighter walks over to take a closer look. "That sure is a nice fire truck" the fire fighter says with admiration. "Thanks" says the little boy.

As the fire fighter looks a little closer, he notices the boy has tied the wagon to the dog's collar and to the cat's testicles.

"Little partner" the fire fighter says "I don't want to tell you how to run your fire truck, but if you were to tie that rope around the cat's collar, I think you could go faster".

The little boy says "You're probably right, but then I wouldn't have a siren".
johnl
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Re: Joke of the Day

Post by johnl »

Little Billy, 8, was out for a day in the park with his Dad when he noticed two dogs, one was perched up behind the other and being rather enthusiastic. Billy asked his Dad what they were doing and his reply was "Well Billy, they're making a puppy". Billy was satisfied with the answer and didn't inquire any further, he and his Dad continued on with their fun day at the park. Later that evening, after Billy had gone to bed his Dad & Mom were in bed and having themselves a fine time. Billy woke from his slumber and wandered into his parents bedroom as he was awoken by a bad dream and he wanted their company. Upon witnessing his parents activity he forgot about his bad dream, his presence surprised his folks and he asked " Dad, what are you and Mom doing?". Taking inspiration from his answer to Billy's earlier question that managed to prevent further inquiry his Dad simply answered "Well Billy, your mother and I are trying to make you a baby sister"

Billy quickly responded "Flip her over Dad, I'd rather have a puppy!"
TexasMac
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Re: Joke of the Day

Post by TexasMac »

It’s whitetail deer season here in Texas & I’d thought I’d post an appropriate story.
Wayne
=======================================================================
There were 4 guys at a deer camp. Although each had separate cots, there were only 2 small rooms so each had to sleep with another hunter. But no one wanted to room with Bob because he snored so loud. So they decided it was only fair to take turns.

Larry pulled the short stick. He came to breakfast the next morning with his hair a mess & with bloodshot eyes. When asked what happened he said, “Bob snored so loudly I eventually sat up & watched him all night.

Frank's turn was next. In the morning it was the same thing. Frank said, “The roof was rattling due to Bob snoring & I did not get a wink of sleep”.

The third night was Wes’s turn. Wes was a tanned cowboy, older than the other guys & a man’s man. The next morning he came to breakfast bright-eyed & bushy-tailed. “Good morning!” he said. They couldn’t believe it. They said, “Man, what happened?”

He said, “Well, we got ready for bed. I then tucked Bob into bed, patted him on the butt & kissed him good night. Bob sat up & watched me all night".

With age comes wisdom.
NRA Life (Benefactor & President's Council) Member, TSRA Life Member, NSSF Member, Author & Publisher of the Browning BPCR book
http://www.texas-mac.com
TexasMac
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Re: Joke of the Day

Post by TexasMac »

No doubt you’ve heard the rhetorical question, do bears poop in the woods? Well they certainly do & here’s the proof.
:lol:

Image
NRA Life (Benefactor & President's Council) Member, TSRA Life Member, NSSF Member, Author & Publisher of the Browning BPCR book
http://www.texas-mac.com
johnl
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Joined: Sun Mar 04, 2007 9:59 pm

Re: Joke of the Day

Post by johnl »

Woman In A Hot Air Balloon


A woman in a hot air balloon realizes she is lost. She lowers her altitude and spots a man fishing from a boat below. She shouts to him, "Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago, but I don't know where I am."
The man consults his portable GPS and replies, "You're in a hot air balloon, approximately 30 feet above a ground elevation of 2,346 feet above sea level. You are at 31 degrees, 14.97 minutes north latitude and 100 degrees, 49.09 minutes west longitude.
She rolls her eyes and says, "You must be a Republican!"
"I am," replies the man. "How did you know?"
"Well," answers the balloonist, "everything you tell me is technically correct, but I have no idea what to do with your information, and I'm still lost. Frankly, you're not much help to me."
The man smiles and responds, "You must be a Democrat."
"I am, replies the balloonist. "How did you know?"
"Well," says the man, "You don't know where you are or where you're going. You've risen to where you are due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise that you have no idea how to keep, and now you expect me to solve your problem. You're in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but, somehow, now it's my fault.
johnl
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Re: Joke of the Day

Post by johnl »

♦ I read that 4,153,237 people got married last year, not to cause any trouble but shouldn't that be an even number?:

♦ I find it ironic that the colors red, white, and blue stand for freedom until they are flashing behind you.

♦ When wearing a bikini, women reveal 90% of their body... men are so polite they only look at the covered parts.

♦ Relationships are a lot like algebra. Have you ever looked at your X and wondered Y?

♦ America is a country which produces citizens who will cross the ocean to fight for democracy but won't cross the street to vote.

♦ You know that tingly little feeling you get when you like someone? That's your common sense leaving your body.

♦ Did you know that dolphins are so smart that within a few weeks of captivity, they can train people to stand on the very edge of the pool and throw them fish?

♦ My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance. We'll see about that.

♦ I think my neighbor is stalking me as she's been googling my name on her computer. I saw it through my telescope last night.

♦ Money talks ..but all mine ever says is good-bye.

♦ You're not fat, you're just... easier to see.

♦ If you think nobody cares whether you're alive, try missing a couple of payments.

♦ My therapist said that my narcissism causes me to misread social situations. I’m pretty sure she was hitting on me.

♦ Denny’s has a slogan, “If it’s your birthday, the meal is on us.” If you’re in Denny’s and it’s your birthday, your life sucks!

♦ The pharmacist asked me my birth date again today. I’m pretty sure she’s going to get me something.

♦ The location of your mailbox shows you how far away from your house you can be in a robe before you start looking like a mental patient.

♦ I think it's pretty cool how Chinese people made a language entirely out of tattoos.

♦ The reason Mayberry was so peaceful and quiet was because nobody was married. Andy, Aunt Bea, Barney, Floyd, Howard, Goober, Gomer, Sam, Earnest T Bass, Helen, Thelma Lou, Clara and, of course, Opie were all single. The only married person was Otis, and he stayed drunk.
Gussy
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pick a number

Post by Gussy »

A gas station owner in Alabama was trying to increase his sales so he put up a sign that read, "Free Sex with Fill-Up."Soon a local redneck pulled in, filled his tank and asked for his free sex.The owner told him to pick a number from 1 to 10 and if he guessed correctly he would get his free sex.The redneck guessed 8, and the proprietor said, "You were close. The number was 7. Sorry, no sex this time."

A week later, the same redneck, along with a buddy, Bubba, pulled in for another fill-up. Again he asked for his free sex.The proprietor again asked him to guess the correct number. The redneck guessed 2 this time. The proprietor said, "Sorry, it was 3. You were close, but no free sex this time."As they were driving away, the redneck said to his buddy, "I think that game is rigged and he doesn't really give away free sex."Bubba replied, "It ain't rigged. My wife won twice last week."
johnl
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Joined: Sun Mar 04, 2007 9:59 pm

Re: Joke of the Day

Post by johnl »

Two great white sharks swimming in the ocean spied survivors of a sunken ship.

"Follow me, son" the father shark said to the son shark and they swam to the mass of people.

"First we swim around them a few times with just the tip of our fins showing". And they did.

"Well done, son! Now we swim around them a few more times with all of our fins showing". And they did.


"Now we eat everybody". And they did.


When they were both gorged the son asked "Dad, why didn't we just eat them all at first? Why did we swim around and around them?"

His wise father replied "Because they taste better without all the shit inside!"
johnl
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Re: Joke of the Day

Post by johnl »

An old man is walking in Amsterdam and passes a hooker standing at her door.

She asks him: "Granddad, why don't we give it a try?"

He replies: "No girl, that's no longer possible for me".

Says the hooker: "Come on, what have we got to lose, we can give it a try!" They both go inside.

They undress and he performs like a young buck, giving it to her 5 times in a row. "Oh my goodness" says the hooker, breathless "and you said that it was no longer possible for you?!"

Says the old guy: "Oh, screwing is still going well, it's the paying that is no longer possible!"
TexasMac
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Re: Joke of the Day

Post by TexasMac »

Then my dog bit me
===========================
I was sitting at the bar staring at my drink when a large, trouble-making biker steps up next to me, grabs my drink and gulps it down in one swig.

"Well, whatcha' gonna do about it?" he says, menacingly, as I burst into tears. "Come on, man," the biker says, "I didn't think you'd cry. I can't stand to see a man crying."

"This is the worst day of my life," I said. "I'm a complete failure. I was late to a meeting and my boss fired me. When I went to the parking lot, I found my car had been stolen and I don't have any insurance. I left my wallet in the cab I took home. I found my wife with another man ... and then my dog bit me."
"So, I came to this bar to work up the courage to put an end to it all. I buy a drink, I drop a capsule in it and sit here watching the poison dissolve. Then you show up and drink the whole thing!
But, Hell, enough about me, how are you doing?
:lol:
NRA Life (Benefactor & President's Council) Member, TSRA Life Member, NSSF Member, Author & Publisher of the Browning BPCR book
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TexasMac
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Re: Joke of the Day

Post by TexasMac »

A good example of why I like Texas.
==============================

One day, a very gentle Texas lady was driving across a high bridge in Austin. As she neared the top of the bridge, she noticed a young man fixin to jump. ("fixin" in Texas means: about to or has the means or abilities and may take action.) :)

She stopped her car, rolled down the window and said, "Please don't jump, think of your dear mother and father."

He replied, " My mom and dad are both dead; I'm going to jump."

She said. "Well, think of your sweet wife and precious children."

He replied, "I'm not married and I don't have any kids."

She said, "Well, then you just remember the Alamo."

He replied, "What's the Alamo?"

She replied. "Well bless your heart! You just go ahead and jump you little Yankee CNN loving liberal left-wing bastard, you're holding up traffic."
:lol:
NRA Life (Benefactor & President's Council) Member, TSRA Life Member, NSSF Member, Author & Publisher of the Browning BPCR book
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johnl
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Re: Joke of the Day

Post by johnl »

Image
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TexasMac
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Re: Joke of the Day

Post by TexasMac »

A woman awoke during the night to find that her husband was not in bed. She put on her robe and went downstairs. He was sitting at the kitchen table with a cup of coffee in front of him. He appeared to be in deep thought, just staring at the wall. She saw him wipe a tear from his eye and take a sip of his coffee.

"What's the matter dear? Why are you down here at this time of the night?" she asked. "Do you remember twenty years ago when we were dating and you were only 16?" he asked. "Yes I do", she replied. "Do you remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my car making love?" "Yes, I remember". "Do you remember when he shoved that shotgun in my face and said "Either you marry my daughter or spend twenty years in jail?" "Yes I do", she said.

He wiped another tear from his cheek and said, "You know I would have gotten out today". :cry:
:lol:
NRA Life (Benefactor & President's Council) Member, TSRA Life Member, NSSF Member, Author & Publisher of the Browning BPCR book
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TexasMac
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Re: Joke of the Day

Post by TexasMac »

Rather than a joke I thought I'd post a fun APPITUDE TEST. Write the test question & your answer on a piece of paper. The answers follow in the next post. No peeking at the answers until you've finished the test.

* Instruction: If you don’t know the answer, leave it blank

1. Do they have a 4th of July in England?

2. How many birthdays does the average man have?

3. Some months have 30 days some have 31 days, how many have 28?

4. There are 9 men on a baseball team. How many outs are there in an inning?

5. Is it legal for a man in California to marry his widow's sister?

6. Divide 30 by 1/2 and add 10. What is the answer?

7. If there are 3 apples and you take away 2, how many do you have?

8. A doctor gives you three pills, telling you to take one every half hour. How many minutes would the pills last?

9. A farmer has 17 sheep, and all but 9 die. How many are left?

10. How many animals of each sex did Moses take on the ark?

11. We all know there are 12 one-cent stamps in a dozen, but how many two-cent stamps are there in a dozen?

12. What was the Presidents name in 1952?

13. I have 2 coins; together they total 55 cents. One of them is not a nickel. What are the 2 coins?

14. How far can a dog run into the woods?

15. If you had only a match and entered a dark cold room in which there is an oil lamp, oil heater and a candle, which would you light 1st?

16. What is the smallest number of ducks that could fly in this formation: 2 ducks in front of a duck, 2 ducks behind a duck and a duck between 2 ducks?

17. A man built a rectangular house. All sides had a southern exposure. A big bear comes along. What color is the bear?

18. An archaeologist claimed that he found some gold coins dated 46 B.C. Do you think he did?
Last edited by TexasMac on Wed Jan 09, 2019 9:03 pm, edited 1 time in total.
NRA Life (Benefactor & President's Council) Member, TSRA Life Member, NSSF Member, Author & Publisher of the Browning BPCR book
http://www.texas-mac.com
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