Joke of the Day

Talk with other Shiloh Sharps shooters.

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TexasMac
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Re: Joke of the Day

Post by TexasMac »

APPITUDE TEST ANSWERS

1. Yes. It comes after the third of July!

2. Duh...you're only born once!

3. 12. It didn't ask how many have ONLY 28 days.

4. 6. Three are 3 outs per team in an inning!

5. No, because he is dead!

6. 70. 30 divided by 1/2 equal 60! Most people multiply and get 15 plus 10 = 25.

7. 2. You took them remember? It didn't say YOU have 3 apples.

8. 60, start with the 1st pill, 30 minutes later take the 2nd, then 30 minutes more for the 3rd.

9. 9. It didn't say 9 die.

10. 0, Moses didn't have an ark, Noah did!

11. 12. There is always 12 in a dozen of anything!

12. The same as the Presidents name is now!

13. One is a 50-cent coin. The other IS a nickel.

14. Only half way! The rest of the time the dog is running out of the woods.

15. The match! You HAVE to light it first!

16. 3. They are lined up all in a row.

17. White. The house had to be built on the North Pole in order for all sides to have a southern exposure.

18. NO. How did the people who made the coins know Christ was born 46 years later?
NRA Life (Benefactor & President's Council) Member, TSRA Life Member, NSSF Member, Author & Publisher of the Browning BPCR book
http://www.texas-mac.com
TexasMac
Posts: 2364
Joined: Sun Nov 04, 2007 5:29 pm
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Re: Joke of the Day

Post by TexasMac »

A SHARPS JOKE.

An old prospector walks into town one day. He ties his mule to a hitching rail in front of the saloon. A gunslinger walks out with a gun in one hand and a bottle of whiskey in the other. He laughs and says, "Hey old man, have you ever danced?" The old man says, "Nope, never had a hankering to dance." As a crowd gathers the gunslinger says, "Well you old fool you're gonna dance now," and he starts shooting at the old man's feet. The old man is now hopping around and everybody laughs. The gunslinger fires his last bullet, holsters his gun and turns around to enter the saloon. The old man pulls his Sharps rifle outa the scabbard on the mule, and eases the hammer back making a loud click. The gunslinger hears this, as things get quiet. He turns around and is looking at the end of a barrel bigger than a stovepipe and aimed at his stomach. The old man asks, "Did you ever kiss a mule right square under his tail?? The gunslinger swallows hard, then says, "No, but I've always wanted to!"
:lol:
NRA Life (Benefactor & President's Council) Member, TSRA Life Member, NSSF Member, Author & Publisher of the Browning BPCR book
http://www.texas-mac.com
TexasMac
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Re: Joke of the Day

Post by TexasMac »

Anger Management

When you occasionally have a really bad day, and you just need to take it out on someone, don't take it out on someone you know, take it out on someone you don't know.

I was sitting at my desk when I remembered a phone call I'd forgotten to make. I found the number and dialed it. A man answered, saying "Hello." I politely said, "This is Chris. Could I please speak with Robyn Carter?" Suddenly a manic voice yelled out in my ear "Get the right f***ing number!" and the phone was slammed down on me.
I couldn't believe that anyone could be so rude.
When I tracked down Robyn's correct number to call her, I found that I had accidentally transposed the last two digits. After hanging up with her, I decided to call the 'wrong' number again.
When the same guy answered the phone, I yelled "You're an a**hole!" and hung up.
I wrote his number down with the word 'a**hole' next to it, and put it in my desk drawer.
Every couple of weeks, when I was paying bills or had a really bad day, I'd call him up and yell, "You're an a**hole!" It always cheered me up.
When Caller ID was introduced, I thought my therapeutic 'a**hole' calling would have to stop.
So, I called his number and said, "Hi, this is John Smith from the telephone company. I'm calling to see if you're familiar with our Caller ID Program?" He yelled "NO!" and slammed down the phone. I quickly called him back and said, "That's because you're an a**hole!" and hung up.
One day I was at the store, getting ready to pull into a parking Spot. Some guy in a black BMW cut me off and pulled into the spot I had patiently waited for. I hit the horn and yelled that I'd been waiting for that spot, but the idiot ignored me. I noticed a "For Sale" sign in his back window, so I wrote down his number.
A couple of days later, right after calling the first a**hole (I had his number on speed dial) I thought that I'd better call the BMW a**hole, too.
I said, "Is this the man with the black BMW for sale?" He said, "Yes, it is." I asked, "Can you tell me where I can see it?" He said, "Yes, I live at 34 Oaktree Blvd , in Fairfax . It's a yellow duplex, and the car's parked right out in front." I asked, "What's your name?" He said, "My name is Don Hansen," I asked, "When's a good time to catch you, Don?" He said, "I'm home every evening after five." I said, "Listen, Don, can I tell you something?" He said, "Yes?" I said, "Don, you're an a**hole!" Then I hung up, and added his number to my speed dial, too.
Now, when I had a problem, I had two a**holes to call.
Then I came up with an idea. I called a**hole #1. He said, "Hello." I said, "You're an a**hole!" (But I didn't hang up.) He asked, "Are you still there?" I said, "Yeah," He screamed, "Stop calling me," I said, "Make me," He asked, "Who are you?" I said, "My name is Don Hansen." He said, "Yeah? Where do you live?" I said, "A**hole, I live at 34 Oaktree Blvd, in Fairfax, a yellow duplex, I have a black Beamer parked in front."
He said, "I'm coming over right now, Don. And you had better start saying your prayers."
I said, "Yeah, like I'm really scared, a**hole," and hung up.
Then I called A**hole #2. He said, "Hello?"
I said, "Hello, a**hole,"
He yelled, "If I ever find out who you are..."
I said, "You'll what?"
He exclaimed, "I'll kick your a**,"
I answered, "Well, a**hole, here's your chance. I'm coming over right now."
Then I hung up and immediately called the police, saying that I lived at 34 Oaktree Blvd in Fairfax and that I was on my way over there to kill my gay lover. Then I called Channel 9 News about the gang war going down in Oaktree Blvd. in Fairfax . I quickly got into my car and headed over to Fairfax. I got there just in time to watch two a**holes beating the crap out of each other in front of six cop cars, an overhead news helicopter and surrounded by a news crew.
NOW I feel much better.
Anger management really does work.
:lol:
NRA Life (Benefactor & President's Council) Member, TSRA Life Member, NSSF Member, Author & Publisher of the Browning BPCR book
http://www.texas-mac.com
johnl
Posts: 812
Joined: Sun Mar 04, 2007 9:59 pm

Re: Joke of the Day

Post by johnl »

Square Testicles

An elderly woman walked into the Royal Bank of Canada one morning with a purse full of money.

She wanted to open a savings account and insisted on talking to the president of the Bank because, she said, she had a lot of money.

After many lengthy discussions (after all, the client is always right) an employee took the elderly woman to the president's office.

The president of the Bank asked her how much she wanted to deposit. She placed her purse on his desk and replied,'$165,000'.

The president was curious and asked her how she had been able to save so much money . The elderly woman replied that she made bets.

The president was surprised and asked, 'What kind of bets?'
The elderly woman replied, 'Well, I bet you $25,000 that your testicles are square.'

The president started to laugh and told the woman that it was impossible to win a bet like that.

The woman never batted an eye. She just looked at the president and said, 'Would you like to take my bet?'

'Certainly', replied the president. 'I bet you $25,000 that my testicles are not square.'

'Done', the elderly woman answered. 'But given the amount of money involved, if you don't mind I would like to come back at 10 ' clock tomorrow morning with my lawyer as a witness.'

'No problem', said the president of the Bank confidently.

That night, the president became very nervous about the bet and spent a long time in front of the mirror examining his testicles, turning them this way and that, checking them over again and again until he was positive that no one could consider his testicles as square and reassuring himself that there was no way he could lose the bet.

The next morning at exactly 10 o'clock the elderly woman arrived at the president's office with her lawyer and acknowledged the $25,000 bet made the day before that the president's testicles were square.

The president confirmed that the bet was the same as the one made the day before.

Then the elderly woman asked him to drop his pants etc. so that she and her lawyer could see clearly.

The president was happy to oblige.

The elderly woman came closer so she could see better and asked the president if she could touch them. 'Of course', said the president. 'Given the amount of money involved, you should be 100% sure.

The elderly woman did so with a little smile. Suddenly the president noticed that the lawyer was banging his head against the wall. He asked the elderly woman why he was doing that and she replied,

'Oh, it's probably because I bet him $100,000 that around 10 o'clock in the morning I would be holding the balls of the President of the Royal Bank of Canada!'
johnl
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Re: Joke of the Day

Post by johnl »

A woman was found guilty in traffic court and when asked for her occupation she said she was a schoolteacher. The judge rose from the bench. "Madam, I have waited years for a schoolteacher to appear before this court".


He smiled with delight. "Now sit down at that table and write 'I will not run a red light' five hundred times".
johnl
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Re: Joke of the Day

Post by johnl »

A teacher asked her students to share what their dads did for a living;

Little Johnny said, "My dad's a stripper at a gay club and he turns tricks in the alley to earn extra money."
After class, the teacher pulled him aside and asked, "Johnny, is your dad really a stripper at a gay club?"
Little Johnny said, "No, he's a reporter for CNN, but I was too embarrassed to say that."
johnl
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Re: Joke of the Day

Post by johnl »

The owner of a golf course was confused about paying an invoice, so he decided to ask his secretary for some mathematical assistance.

He called her into his office and said "You graduated university and I need some help. If I were to give you $20,000 minus 14%, how much would you take off?"


The secretary thought for a moment and then replied "Everything but my earrings".
Jeff Bryan
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Re: Joke of the Day

Post by Jeff Bryan »

The NAACP is going to file a lawsuit against President Trump for declaring a national emergency so that he could build the wall. They are not going to file for at least another 4 weeks they say, because they have to spellcheck their documents.


An insurance salesman knocks on this lady's door, she invites him and he pitches a life insurance policy and she signs up for it. He gets really excited to find out she has 18 kids, because this will be the biggest policy he's ever sold. But suddenly he gets confused while writing their names down because she calls them all "Tony", both the boys and the girls. So the salesman asks her, "What do you do when you want to talk to one kid in particular, and she says, "I calls them by their last name!"
johnl
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Re: Joke of the Day

Post by johnl »

A lady goes into a New York City bank. She says she's going to Europe on business for two weeks and needs to borrow $5,000.
The bank officer says the bank will need some kind of security for the loan, so the women hands over the keys to a new Rolls Royce.
The car is parked on the street in front of the bank, she has the title and everything checks out. The bank agrees to accept the car as collateral for the loan.
The bank's president and its officers all enjoy a good laugh at the women for using a $250,000 Rolls as collateral against a $5,000 loan.
An employee of the bank then proceeds to drive the Rolls into the bank's underground garage and parks it there.
Two weeks later, the woman returns, repays the $5,000 and the interest, which comes to $15.41.

The loan officer says "Miss, we are very happy to have had your business, and this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we are a little puzzled. While you were away, we checked you out and found that you are a multimillionaire. What puzzles us is, why would you bother to borrow $5,000?" The women replies "Where else in New York City can I park my car for two weeks for only $15.41 and expect it to be there when I return?"
johnl
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Re: Joke of the Day

Post by johnl »

A man thought he would give his wife a birthday surprise by buying her a bra.
He entered a ladies shop, rather intimidated, but the salesgirls took charge to help him.
"What color?" they asked. He settled for white.

"How much does it cost?" he asked. "Twenty-four dollars".

'Expensive, but okay' he thought.

All that remained was the size, but he hadn't the faintest idea.

"Now sir, are they the size a pair of melons? Coconuts? Grape fruits? Oranges?"
"No" he said "nothing like that".
"Come on, sir, think. There must be something your wife's bust resembles".


He thought long and hard and then looked up and said "Have you ever seen a Spaniel's ears?"
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kenny s
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Re: Joke of the Day

Post by kenny s »

THIS IS A TRUE STORY!
many years ago I was setting up my real Christmas tree...a friend said...drill a hole in the bottom, deep, and put a Tampax in there to suck up the water, keeps the tree fresher longer.
OK...three women in the house and not ONE Tampax. So off I go to CVS
I didn't know much about such things, so I asked the Druggist where they were..

he said on the shelf, but what size do you want?

I was not sure, so I held up my hand, made a circle with the thumb and finger, and said..
'It's about this size'..

I can never go in that CVS again.....and I'm sure the old lady standing next to me was going to be fine..eventually!

NOT my finest hour....Ken
johnl
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Joined: Sun Mar 04, 2007 9:59 pm

Re: Joke of the Day

Post by johnl »

kenny s wrote: Tue Feb 26, 2019 10:06 am THIS IS A TRUE STORY!
many years ago I was setting up my real Christmas tree...a friend said...drill a hole in the bottom, deep, and put a Tampax in there to suck up the water, keeps the tree fresher longer.
OK...three women in the house and not ONE Tampax. So off I go to CVS
I didn't know much about such things, so I asked the Druggist where they were..

he said on the shelf, but what size do you want?

I was not sure, so I held up my hand, made a circle with the thumb and finger, and said..
'It's about this size'..

I can never go in that CVS again.....and I'm sure the old lady standing next to me was going to be fine..eventually!

NOT my finest hour....Ken


Bwahaha that funny Kenny. Reminds me when I was in the navy. We used to have sea heads back in the day so when you flushed it went overboard. Then the navy installed a vacuum sanitation system, worked great until women came onboard, don’t remember how many times their sanitary products got stuck in the system even after signs were installed in their stalls. Can’t read I guess. I remember on one occasion when it got clogged and the boys had to disconnect a pipe to get the offending river rat out. Well I made a rude comment to the size of it and what ( a bad word) :lol: it came out of. Thanks for the memory and laugh.
johnl
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Re: Joke of the Day

Post by johnl »

An irate motorist went to his insurance company and demanded money because his car had been stolen.

"But" explained the insurance agent "we do not give you money. We will replace the car with another".



The man replied indignantly "Well, if that's the way you do business, you can just cancel the policy on my wife".
Gussy
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Re: Joke of the Day

Post by Gussy »

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johnl
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Re: Joke of the Day

Post by johnl »

On the first day after his divorce, he sadly packed his belongings into boxes, crates and suitcases.

On the second day, he had the movers come and collect his Things.
On the third day, he sat down for the last time at their beautiful dining-room table, by candle-light; he put on some soft background music, and feasted on a pound of shrimp, a jar of caviar, a bottle of spring-water, 3 cans of sardines.
When he'd finished, he went into each and every room and deposited a few half-eaten shrimps dipped in caviar, and some sardines into the hollow center of the curtain rods.
He then cleaned up the kitchen and left.
On the fourth day, the wife came back with her new boyfriend, and at first all was bliss.
Then, slowly, the house began to smell.
They tried everything; cleaning, mopping, and airing-out the place. Vents were checked for dead rodents, and carpets were steam cleaned.
Air fresheners were hung everywhere. Exterminators were brought in to set off gas canisters, during which time the two had to move out for a few days, and in the end they even paid to replace the expensive wool carpeting. Nothing worked!...People stopped coming over to visit.
Repairmen refused to work in the house...The maid quit.
Finally, they couldn't take the stench any longer, and decided they had to move, but a month later - even though they'd cut their price in half - they couldn't find a buyer for such a stinky house.
Word got out, and eventually even the local realtors refused to return their calls.
Finally, unable to wait any longer for a purchaser, they had to borrow a huge sum of money from the bank to purchase a new place.
Then the ex called the woman and asked how things were going. She told him the saga of the rotting house. He listened politely and said that he missed his old home terribly and would be willing to reduce his divorce settlement in exchange for having the house.
Knowing he could have no idea how bad the smell really was, she agreed on a price that was only 1/10th of what the house had been worth ... but only if he would sign the papers that very day.
He agreed, and within two hours her lawyers delivered the completed paperwork.
A week later the woman and her boyfriend stood smiling as they watched the moving company pack everything to take to their new home...…..
and to spite the ex-husband they even took the curtain rods!


I LOVE A HAPPY ENDING, DON'T YOU?
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