Joke of the Day

[TexasMac]

Thanks guys.
If I was a golfer I'd likely have appreciated the joke.

Wayne

[patchbox]

No problem - here’s one more for the golf crowd:

One day a man who had been stranded on a deserted island for over 10 years sees a speck on the horizon. He thinks to himself, "It is certainly not a ship." And, as the speck gets closer and closer, he begins to rule out the possibilities of a small boat or even a raft.
Suddenly there emerges from the surf a wet-suited black-clad figure. Putting aside the scuba gear and the top of the wet suit, there stands a drop-dead gorgeous woman. She goes to the stunned man and says, "Tell me, how long has it been since you have had a cigarette.?"
"Ten years," replies the amazed man. With that, she reaches over and unzips a water-proof pocket on the left sleeve of her wet suit and pulls out a fresh pack of cigarettes. He takes one, lights it up and takes a long drag. 'That is so good. I had almost forgotten how great a smoke can be!"
"And so how long has it been since you have had a drop of good whiskey?" asks the woman. "Trembling the castaway says, "Ten years.". Hearing that the woman reaches over to her right sleeve, unzips a pocket there, removes a flask and hands it to him. The man eagerly opens the flask and takes a long drink. "Tis is truly fantastic" he states.
At this point the gorgeous woman starts to slowly unzip the long front of her wet suit right down to her middle. She looks at the trembling man and asks, "How long has it been since you played around?"
With tears in his eyes the man falls to his knees and sobs, "don't tell me you have got golf clubs in there too!".

[TexasMac]

I got that one.

Wayne

[patchbox]

Haha! Yeah, never golfed - just couldn’t get the point of hittin a little white ball all over the grass - would much rather be shooting.

[Andre]

My Scottish wife says...."Golf just ruins a good walk"

[patchbox]

[patchbox]

HE REMEMBERS

A couple was in a busy shopping center just before Christmas. The wife suddenly noticed that her husband was missing, and as they had a lot to do, she called him on his cell phone.

The wife said "Where are you"? You know we have lots to do."

He said, "Do you remember the jewelry store we went into about 10 years ago, and you fell in love with a diamond necklace? I could not afford it at the time, and I said that one day I would get it for you."

Little tears started to flow down her cheek, and she got all choked up. "Yes, I do remember that shop," she replied.

"Well, I'm in the Hooters next to that store."

[Gussy]

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[TexasMac]

Received this from a shooting buddy & thought I'd pass it along.

Wayne

[TexasMac]

This one is related to Gussy's earlier posting.

Wayne

[Gussy]

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[TexasMac]

Most of you know that potassium nitrate, also known as nitre or saltpetre (old spelling of saltpeter) is one of the main ingredients of black powder. Therefore, I thought you might enjoy the following.

Wayne
===========================
In October 1863 Jonathan Haralson, a Selma lawyer began quite an unusual project for the sake of the cause.
From a military standpoint one of the most serious shortages of the Confederacy was nitre, an essential element of gunpowder. Before the War there was not a single place in the South where there was any considerable supply of this vital material. The extraction of earth from caves, under stables and many such places was the main source of nitre in the South. One of these beds was located in Selma, and Jonathan Haralson was in charge of this work. In this emergency Haralson had an idea which he proposed to use and so he ran an ad in the Selma paper. This ad started a literary chain reaction.
October 1, 1863
The Selma Sentinel
The ladies of Selma are respectfully requested to preserve all their chamber lye (aka urine) collected about their premises for the purpose of making Nitre. Wagons with barrels will be sent around for it by the subscriber.
(signed) Jno Haralson
Agent Nitre and Mining Bureau

When seeing the wagons making their rounds of the Selma streets, Thomas B. Wetmore (appropriate last name) was inspired to write the following:

"Jno Haralson! Jno Haralson!
You are a funny creature;
You've given to this cruel war
A new and useful feature.
You've let us know, while every man
Is bound to be a fighter,
The women, bless them, can be put
To making lots of nitre.

Jno Haralson! Jno Haralson!
Where did you get the notion
Of sending barrels around our street
To fill them with that lotion?
We thought the women did enough
At sewing shirts and kissing;
But you have put the lovely dears
To patriotic pissing.

Jno Haralson! Jno Haralson!
Can't you suggest a neater
And faster method for our folks
To make up our saltpetre?
Indeed, the thing is so very odd,
Gunpowder like and cranky,
That when a lady lifts her skirt
She shoots a horrid Yankee!"

But the end is not yet. Haralson picked up his pen and in addition to writing to the paper he wrote the following reply to his friend, Thomas B. Wetmore:

"The women, bless their dear souls,
And everyone for war
To 'soldier boys' they'll give them shoes,
Their stockings by the score
They'll give their jewels all away,
Their petticoats to boot
They'll have saltpetre, or they'll shout,
In earnest phrase--'Wet more'!

The women, were it not for them
Our country would be lost;
They charm the world, they nerve our hearts
To fight at every cost.
What care they how our powder's made?
They'll have it, or they'll bore
Through mines or beds in stables laid,
And, straining, cry 'Wet more'!

Women, yes they stoop to conquer
And keep their virtue pure;
It is no harm to kill a beast
With chamber lye I'm sure.
But powder we are bound to have,
And this they've sworn before;
And if the needful thing is scarce,
They'll 'press' it and 'Wet more'!"

All this was too good for the Yankees to keep out of and so when a Boston, Mass., widow read Wetmore's poem she added the following to the trilogy:

"Jno Haralson! Jno Haralson!
We read in song and story
That women's in all these years,
Have sprinkled fields of glory;
But never was it told before
That how, midst scenes of slaughter
Your Southern beauties dried their tears
And went to making water.

No wonder, Jno., your boys were brave
Who would not be a fighter
If every time he shot his gun
He used his sweetheart's nitre?
And, vice versa what could make
A Yankee soldier sadder
Than dodging bullets fired from
A pretty woman's bladder.

They say there was a subtle smell
That lingered in the powder
And as the smoke grew thicker,
And the din of battle grew louder
That there was found in this compound
This serious objection;
The soldiers could not sniff it in
Without a stiff erection."

[Gussy]

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[Silver Eagle]

If this gets me kicked off the forum, then I apologize in advance….

Why do trans-men ONLY eat salads?????
.
.
.
.
Because they’re a Her-before…..

[TexasMac]

Thought you might enjoy reading some profound words from our famous Texas philosopher Willie Nelson.
https://egbertowillies.com/2013/03/21/t ... ie-nelson/