Joke of the Day

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Gamerancher
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Location: Central NSW Australia

Re: Joke of the Day

Post by Gamerancher »

Maybe that's why the owners manual of a certain brand of Swedish chainsaw advises not to stop the moving chain with your hands or...GENITALS!
( I believe it's not the one in the picture)
Out in western NSW where it don't rain much.
Australia
George Babits
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Re: Joke of the Day

Post by George Babits »

I'm sure that guy lives in North Dakota!!!

George
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kenny sd
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Re: Joke of the Day

Post by kenny sd »

One night at Cheers a TV Sitcom, Cliff Clavin said to his buddy, Norm Peterson: "Well, ya-see, Normy, it's like this A herd of buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo. And when the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first. This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular killing of the weakest members. In much the same way, the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells. Excessive intake of alcohol, as we know, kills brain cells but, naturally, it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first. In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine. That's why you always feel smarter after a few beers!”
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kenny sd
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Re: Joke of the Day

Post by kenny sd »

Mike was going to be married to Jane, so his father sat him down for a little chat.



He said, 'Mike, let me tell you something. On my wedding night in our honeymoon suite, I took off my pants, handed them to your mother, and said, 'Here, try these on!'

She did and said, 'These are too big, I can't wear them.


' I replied, 'Exactly, I wear the pants in this family and I always will. Ever since that night we have never had any problems.'


''Hmmm,' said Mike. He thought that might be a good thing to try.


On his honeymoon, Mike took off his pants and said to Jane, 'Here try these on.' She tried them on and said, 'These are too large, they don't fit me.'



Mike said, 'Exactly, I wear the pants in this family, and I always will. I don't want you to ever forget that.'


Then Jane took off her pants and handed them to Mike. She said, 'Here, you try on mine.' He did and said, 'I can't get into your pants.'



Jane said, 'Exactly. And if you don't change your smart-ass attitude, you never will.'



And they lived happily ever after!
TexasMac
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Re: Joke of the Day

Post by TexasMac »

Engraved on a cowboy's tombstone. :lol:

Wayne

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kenny sd
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Location: florida

Re: Joke of the Day

Post by kenny sd »

There is nothing worse than a Doctor's Receptionist who insists you tell
her what is wrong with you in a room full of other patients.

I know most of us have experienced this, and I love the way this old guy handled it.
A 65-year-old man walked into a crowded waiting room and approached the desk.
The Receptionist said, 'Yes sir, what are you seeing the Doctor for today?'
'There's something wrong with my dick', he replied.

The receptionist became irritated and said, 'You shouldn't come into a crowded
waiting room and say things like that'.
'Why not, you asked me what was wrong and I told you,' he said.
The Receptionist replied, 'Now you've caused some embarrassment in this room
full of people. You should have said there is something wrong with your
ear or something and discussed the problem further with the Doctor in private.'
The man replied, 'You shouldn't ask people questions in a roomful of strangers, if
the answer could embarrass anyone.'

The man walked out, waited several minutes, and then re-entered.
The Receptionist smiled smugly and asked, 'Yes??'
'There's something wrong with my ear,' he stated.
The Receptionist nodded approvingly and smiled, knowing he
had taken her advice.. 'And what is wrong with your ear, Sir?'

'I can't pee out of it,' he replied.

The waiting room erupted in laughter...

Mess with seniors, and you're going to lose
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kenny sd
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Re: Joke of the Day

Post by kenny sd »

Time is like a river. You cannot touch the water twice, because the flow that has passed will never pass again. Enjoy every moment of life.

As a bagpiper, I play many gigs Recently I was asked by a funeral director to play at a graveside service for a homeless man. He had no family or friends, so the service was to be at a pauper's cemetery in the Nova Scotia back country.

As I was not familiar with the backwoods, I got lost and, being a typical man, I didn't stop for directions.
I finally arrived an hour late and saw the funeral guy had evidently gone and the hearse was nowhere in sight.
there were only the diggers and crew left and they were eating lunch. I felt badly and apologized to the men for being late.
I went to the side of the grave and looked down and the vault lid was already in place. I didn't know what else to do, so I started to play.
The workers put down their lunches and began to gather around. I played out my heart and soul for this man with no family and friends. I played like I've never played before for this homeless man.
And as I played "Amazing Grace", the workers began to weep. They wept, I wept, we all wept together. When I finished, I packed up my bagpipes and started for my car. Though my head was hung low, my heart was full.
As I opened the door to my car, I heard one of the workers say, "I never seen anything like that before, and I've been putting in septic tanks for twenty years."

Apparently, I'm still lost … it's a man thing.
SSShooter
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Re: Joke of the Day

Post by SSShooter »

Funny.
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Glenn
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kenny sd
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Re: Joke of the Day

Post by kenny sd »

Where can you find a dog with no legs?
Wherever you left him!

grandkid joke
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Drahopa7
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Location: Houston, TX

Re: Joke of the Day

Post by Drahopa7 »

Did you hear about the couple who mixed up their window putty with their KY jelly?
Their windows kept falling out...
😀
A friend offered to trade me a 50-70 trapdoor 10 years ago.
What is a 50-70, I asked wide eyed!
I am still running down that rabbit hole..

Marc M
Houston, Tx
TexasMac
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Re: Joke of the Day

Post by TexasMac »

Jim Mooney had been retired for a few years when suddenly he received a summons one day from the IRS.

He’s been selected randomly for a tax audit, so he decides it might be wise if he takes his attorney with him.

Unsurprised by the attorney’s presence, the IRS auditor explains the procedure and then says to Jim, “Mr Mooney, we have been reviewing your affairs and it appears that you have an extravagant lifestyle and yet you’re not in full-time employment nor do you have any other obvious sources of income.

You’ve explained this by saying that you win money gambling. Well, sir, I have to tell you, the IRS doesn’t believe that’s a credible explanation.”

“Well I am a skilled gambler,” says Jim, “and I can prove it to you if you’re willing to participate in a wager with me.”

The IRS auditor considers this proposition momentarily and then says, “Yes, I’m willing to give that a try, so go ahead.”

Right,” says Jim, “I’ll bet you one thousand dollars that I can bite my own eye.”

The IRS auditor considers this carefully and decides that it’s impossible.

“OK then Mr Mooney,” he says, “You have a bet.”

At this point, and to the IRS auditor’s great surprise, Jim removes his glass eye and then bites it.

The auditor sits there in stunned silence,

Jim then says, “I’ll bet you two thousand dollars that I can bite my other eye.”

Mr Mooney isn’t blind, so he can’t have another glass eye, thinks the auditor. That’s got to be impossible, surely? So, the auditor accepts the bet.

So, Jim removes his dentures and then bites his good eye.

The auditor is stunned, once again, as he now realizes he’s lost three grand and Jim has his attorney as a witness. Naturally, the auditor is starting to get a little nervous.

“Want to go again?” asks Jim

“What do you have in mind now?” asks the auditor.

Jim smiles and says, “I’ll bet you six thousand dollars that I can stand on this side of your desk and pee into that wastebasket next to your chair, without a single drop going anywhere in between.”

The auditor, realizing now that he’s dealing with a wily old fox, is feeling very cautious. However he thinks carefully about the proposition and he decides there’s no way this old guy could possibly manage that stunt, so he agrees.

Jim stands in front of the desk, lowers his zipper, and strains mightily but the trajectory of his pee fails to reach the wastebasket and splashes all over the auditor’s desk.

The auditor is both ecstatic and relieved. He’s just turned a major loss into a huge win for him.

However, Jim’s attorney shouts out in obvious pain and puts his head in his hands face-down on the auditor’s desk.

“What’s the matter?” asked the auditor.

“When my client asked me to attend this audit today,” the attorney responded, “he bet me twenty-five thousand dollars that he could come in here and pee all over your desk and that you’d be happy about it.”
==========================
Another example why you don't mess with old guys :lol:
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DAG4570
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Location: Spokane, WA

Re: Joke of the Day

Post by DAG4570 »

A deaf mute steps up to tee off on the first hole of a golf course, when a large burly guy yells, “Hey you! Nobody tees off ahead of Big Ralph.”

Being deaf, the poor guy continues to prepare for his shot, so Ralph runs up thinking the deaf mute is being obstinate, and knocks the guy to the ground, kicks his ball away and prepares for his own shot.

After Ralph has hit the ball and proceeded down the fairway after it, the mute gets up brushes himself off, waits a moment and again prepares his shot. He hits a beautiful shot straight down the middle of the fairway. It also goes straight at big Ralph, hitting him in the back of the head and knocking him down.

The mute then walks down the fairway, rolls the stunned man around and holds up four fingers to Ralph’s face.
TexasMac
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Re: Joke of the Day

Post by TexasMac »

DAG4570 wrote: Sun Jul 30, 2023 10:50 am A deaf mute steps up to tee off on the first hole of a golf course, when a large burly guy yells, “Hey you! Nobody tees off ahead of Big Ralph.”

Being deaf, the poor guy continues to prepare for his shot, so Ralph runs up thinking the deaf mute is being obstinate, and knocks the guy to the ground, kicks his ball away and prepares for his own shot.

After Ralph has hit the ball and proceeded down the fairway after it, the mute gets up brushes himself off, waits a moment and again prepares his shot. He hits a beautiful shot straight down the middle of the fairway. It also goes straight at big Ralph, hitting him in the back of the head and knocking him down.

The mute then walks down the fairway, rolls the stunned man around and holds up four fingers to Ralph’s face.
I don't get it? Is it a golfing sign or something?
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patchbox
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Re: Joke of the Day

Post by patchbox »

I’m not a golfer but here is the “fore” (4 fingers) meaning of the aforementioned (no pun intended) joke:

“Fore!", originally a Scots interjection, is used to warn anyone standing or moving in the flight of a golf ball.
DAG4570
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Re: Joke of the Day

Post by DAG4570 »

He is correct. The deaf mute can not yell fore to warn other golfers that there is a ball coming there way. So being a deaf mute he walks up to the guy and gives him the hand sign for fore.
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