Joke of the Day

[Steve Rhoades]

I noticed a definite racial overtone in that story!
But it sure was funny!!!

[Windigo]

A shooter is in a Silhouette Match with a friend who is ahead by a couple of Pigs. "Boy, I'd give anything to hit this Chicken," the shooter mumbles to himself.

Just then, a stranger walks up beside him and whispers, "Would you be willing to give up one-fourth of your sex life?"

Thinking the man is crazy and that his answer will be meaningless, the shooter, who also feels this may be a good omen, says, "Sure," and he hits the bird.

The next relay, the man mumbles to himself again, "Gee, I sure would like to get a ten pin on this one."

The same stranger is at his side again and whispers, "Would it be worth giving up another fourth of your sex life?"

Shrugging, the shooter replies, "Sure." He gets his pin.

On the final relay, the shooter needs the last Ram to win the Match.

Without waiting for him to say anything, the stranger quickly moves to his side and says, "Would wining this Match be worth giving up sex for the rest of your life?"

"Definitely," the shooter replies, and he hits the Ram and wins the Match.

As the shooter is walking to the award ceremony, the stranger walks alongside him and says, "I haven't really been fair with you because you don't know who I am. I am the Devil Rhoades, and from this day forward you will have no sex life."

"Nice to meet you," the shooter replies, "I'm Father Kidwell…"

[Steve Rhoades]

But I'm the Catholic and I have the scars on my knuckles to prove it!

[boge]

But I'm the Catholic and I have the hair on my palms to prove it!

Fixed it for ya!!!

[boge]

MERRY XMAS!!!!!!!!

[Jim Kidwell]

But I'm the Catholic and I have the scars on my knuckles to prove it!

You're not the only Catholic here.....................
As far as a sex life goes lately, I've had Nun on Monday, Nun on Tuesday, etc. .........................................Jim

[TexasMac]

[CO]

This was found on a tombstone in a cemetery in Logan Utah.

It's important to have a women who helps out at home,cooks from time to time, cleans up, and has a job.
It's important to have a woman who can make you laugh.
It's important to have a woman who you can trust and doesn't lie to you.
It's important to have a woman who is good in bed and likes to be with you.
It's very, very important that these four women don't know each other or you might end up dead like me.

[DAVE ROELLE]

A classic----------enjoy---------Dave

Texas Chili Cook-off

If you can read the whole story without tears of laugher running down your cheeks then there's no hope for you.

NOTE: Please take time to read this slowly. If you pay attention to the first two judges, the reaction of the third is even better. For those of you who have lived in Texas, you know how true this is. They actually have a Chili cook-off about the time the rodeo comes to town. It takes up a major portion of the parking lot at the Astrodome. The notes are from an inexperienced chili taster named Frank, who was visiting Texas from the East.

Frank: "Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge at a chili cook-off. The original person called in sick at the last moment and I happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking directions of two judges (Native Texans). They said that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy and, besides, they told me I could have free beer during the tasting. So I accepted." Here are the scorecards from the event:

CHILI # 1: MIKE'S MANIAC MOBSTER MONSTER CHILI

Judge # 1: A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick.

Judge # 2: Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.

Judge #3 (Frank): Holy Mother of God! What is this stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the flames out. I hope that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy

CHILI # 2: ARTHUR'S AFTERBURNER CHILI

Judge # 1: Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno tang.

Judge # 2: Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.

Judge # 3: Keep this out of the reach of children. I'm not sure what I'm supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer when they saw the look on my face

CHILI # 3: FRED'S FAMOUS BURN DOWN THE BARN CHILI

Judge # 1: Excellent firehouse chili. Great kick. Needs more beans.

Judge # 2: A bean less chili, a bit salty, good use of peppers

Judge # 3: Call the EPA. I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now. Get me more beer before the flames that come from my ears ignite again. Barmaid pounded me on the back, now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting ****-faced from all of the beer.

CHILI # 4: BUBBA'S BLACK MAGIC

Judge # 1: Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.

Judge # 2: Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other mild foods, not much of a chili.

Judge # 3: I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste buds? Sally, the barmaid, was standing behind me with fresh refills. That 300-lb. blonde lady is starting to look HOT - just like this nuclear waste I'm eating. They told me chili is an aphrodisiac!

CHILI # 5: LINDA'S LEGAL LIP REMOVER

Judge # 1: Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very impressive.

Judge # 2: Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.

Judge # 3: My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my lips off.! It really pisses me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming. Screw those rednecks.

CHILI # 6: VERA'S VERY VEGETARIAN VARIETY

Judge # 1: Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spices and peppers.

Judge # 2: The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic. Superb.

Judge # 3: My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous, sulfuric flames. I **** myself when I farted and I'm worried it will eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that Sally. She must be braver than I thought. Can't feel my lips anymore, and I really need to wipe my *** with a snow cone.

CHILI # 7: SUSAN'S SCREAMING SENSATION CHILI

Judge # 1: A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.

Judge # 2: Ho hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chili peppers at the last moment. I should take note that I am worried about Judge # 3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing uncontrollably.
Judge # 3: You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I wouldn't feel a thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava like **** to match my shirt. At least during the autopsy, they'll know what killed me. I've decided to stop breathing, its too painful. Screw it, I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the 4-inch hole in my stomach.

CHILI #8: TOMMY'S TOE-NAIL CURLING CHILI

Judge # 1: The perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili. Not too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.

Judge # 2: This final entry is a good, balance chili. Neither mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge # 3 passed out, fell over and pulled the chili pot down on top of himself. Not sure if he's going to make it. I wonder how he'd have reacted to really hot chili!

[Woody]

On becoming a Monk

A man is driving down the road
and breaks down near a monastery.. He goes to the monastery, knocks on the
door, and says, "My car broke down. Do you think I could stay the
night?"

The monks graciously accept
him, feed him dinner, and even fix his car. As the man tries to fall asleep,
he hears a
strange sound; a sound like no other that he has ever
heard.
The next morning, he asks the monks what the sound was, but they say, "We
can't tell you because you're not a monk."

The man is disappointed
but thanks them anyway and goes about his merry way. Some years later, the
same man breaks down in front of the same monastery.

The monks again accept him,
feed him, and even fix his car..

That night, he hears the same strange
mesmerizing sound that he had heard years earlier.

The next morning, he asks what the
sound was, but the monks reply,
"We can't tell you because
you're not a monk."

The man says, "All right, all right.
I'm dying to know.
If the only way I can find out what that sound was is
to become a monk, how do I become a monk?"

The monks reply, "You must travel the
Earth and tell us how many blades of grass there are and the exact number of

sand pebbles. When you find these numbers, you will become a
monk."

The man sets about his task. Some
forty-five years later, he returns and knocks on the door of the monastery.
He says, "I have travelled the Earth and devoted my life to the task
demanded and have found what you had asked for. There are
371,145,236,284,232 blades of grass and 231,281,219,999,129,382 sand pebbles

on the earth.

The monks reply, "Congratulations, you
are correct, and you are now considered a monk.
We shall now show you the
way to
the sound."

The monks lead the man to
a wooden door, where the head monk says, “The sound is behind that
door.”

The man reaches for the knob, but the
door is locked. He asks, "May I have the key?"

The monks give him the key,
and he opens the door.

Behind the wooden door is
another door made of stone... The man requests the key to the stone
door.

The monks give him the key,
and he opens it, only to find a door made of ruby... He demands another key
from the monks, who provide it. Behind that door is another door, this one
made of sapphire.
And so it
went on until the man had gone through doors of emerald...

....silver, topaz, and
amethyst.

Finally, the
monks say, "This is
the key to the last door."

The man is relieved to be at the end.
He unlocks the door, turns the knob, and behind that door he is astonished
to find the source of that strange sound. It is truly an amazing and
unbelievable sight...



...But I can't tell you what
it is because you're not a monk.

DON'T SWEAR AT ME;

I'M STILL
HUNTING FOR THE IDIOT WHO STARTED THIS!

[CO]

Woody, somebody oughtta kick you square in the butt!!!!!!!!!!!LOL

[Jim Kidwell]

Woody, somebody oughtta kick you square in the butt!!!!!!!!!!!LOL

Can I be first in line???????????????????

[Woody]

I'll be down in February, so guys can start lining up. Maybe it will help my back, because the surgery sure hasn't at this point.

Woody

[hueyw]

did you hurt that back while bent over counting blades of grass?

[Jim Kidwell]

...because the surgery sure hasn't at this point.Woody

Woody,
The reason I haven't had surgery on my back is a quote from my doctor. He stated they had a new procedure and "they have had fairly good luck with it." ................................Jim