Joke of the Day

[Woody]

I got this a couple of days ago from a forum member. He has had his chance to post it.

Woody









You think you have lived to be 80 plus and know who you are, then along comes someone and blows it all to hell!









An old Marine Pilot sat down at the Starbucks, still wearing his old USMC flight jacket and ordered a cup of coffee.

As he sat sipping his coffee, a young woman sat down next to him. She turned to the pilot and asked,



Are you a real pilot?


He replied, 'Well, I've spent my whole life flying planes, first Stearmans, then the early Grummans... flew a Wildcat and Corsair in WWII, and later in the Korean conflict, Banshees and Cougars. I've taught more than 260 people to fly and given rides to hundreds, so I guess I am a pilot, and you, what are you?

She said, 'I'm a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about naked women. As soon as I get up in the morning, I think about naked women. When I shower, I think about naked women. When I watch TV, I think about naked women. It seems everything makes me think of naked women.'

The two sat sipping in silence.

A little while later, a young man sat down on the other side of the old pilot and asked:

"Are you a real pilot?"

He replied, 'I always thought I was, but I just found out,





I'm a lesbian!'

[boge]

There was this Hell's Angel riding down the road on his motorcycle last winter. He was wearing a leather jacket that had a broken zipper. He finally stopped the bike and thought to himself, "Man, I can't drive anymore with the cold air hitting me in my chest." So he decided to put the coat on backwards to block the air from hitting him. He continued driving and came around a bend in the road, lost control and wrecked, coincidentally, right in front of Boudreaux's house. Boudreaux happened to see what happened, and called the State Police to report the accident. The Trooper on the phone asked him, "Is the guy showing any sign of life?" "Well," Boudreaux told him, "He was until I turned his head around the right way!"
-------------------------------------------------------------------

HOW TO START A FIGHT

One year, I decided to buy my mother-in-law a cemetery plot as
a Christmas gift...

The next year, I didn't buy her a gift.

When she asked me why, I replied,

"Well, you still haven't used the gift I bought you last year!"

And that's how the fight started.....

________________________________


My wife and I were watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while
we were in bed.

I turned to her and said, 'Do you want to have Sex?'

'No,' she answered. I then said,

'Is that your final answer?'

She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying, 'Yes..'

So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."

And that's when the fight started...

________________________________


I took my wife to a restaurant.

The waiter, for some reason, took my order first.

"I'll have the rump steak, rare, please."

He said, "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?"

"Nah, she can order for herself."

And that's when the fight started.....

_______________________________


My wife and I were sitting at a table at her high school
reunion, and she kept staring at a drunken man swigging his
drink as he sat alone at a nearby table.

I asked her, "Do you know him?"

"Yes", she sighed,

"He's my old boyfriend. I understand he took to drinking
right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear he
hasn't been sober since."

"My God!" I said, "Who would think a person could go on
celebrating that long?"

And then the fight started...

________________________________


When our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, my wife kept hinting
to me that I should get it fixed. But, somehow I always had
something else to take care of first, the shed, the boat,
making beer.. Always something more important to me. Finally she
thought of a clever way to make her point.

When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall
grass, busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing
scissors. I watched silently for a short time and then went into
the house. I was gone only a minute, and when I came out again
I handed her a toothbrush. I said, "When you finish cutting the
grass, you might as well sweep the driveway."

The doctors say I will walk again, but I will always have a limp.

______________________________


My wife sat down next to me as I was flipping channels.

She asked, "What's on TV?"

I said, "Dust."

And then the fight started...

________________________________


Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my
lunch, and slipped quietly into the garage. I hooked up the
boat up to the van and proceeded to back out into a torrential
downpour. The wind was blowing 50mph, so I pulled back into the
garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather
would be bad all day.

I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back
into bed. I cuddled up to my wife's back; now with a different
anticipation, and whispered, "The weather out there is
terrible."

My loving wife of 5 years replied, "And, can you believe my
stupid husband is out fishing in that?"

And that's how the fight started...

_______________________________


My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming
anniversary.

She said, "I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in
about 3 seconds."

I bought her a bathroom scale.

And then the fight started......

______________________________


After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply
for Social Security.

The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's License to
verify my age.

I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at
home. I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have
to go home and come back later.

The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'.

So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair.

She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for
me' and she processed my Social Security application.

When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at
the Social Security office. She said, 'You should have dropped
your pants. You might have gotten disability too.'

And then the fight started...

________________________________


My wife was standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror.

She was not happy with what she saw and said to me,

"I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you
to pay me a compliment.'

I replied, "Your eyesight's near perfect."

And then the fight started........

________________________________


I rear-ended a car this morning...the start of a REALLY bad day!

The driver got out of the other car, and he was a DWARF!!

He looked up at me and said 'I am NOT Happy!'

So I said, 'Well, which one ARE you then?'

That's how the fight started.
----------------------------------------------------------------------


The Cajun Fight

"Got My AZZ in trouble with a Pollack not long ago..., Went into a 7/11 type convience store, Cajun friend and me had been boozin' it up pretty good, Cajun was tellin' a Pollack joke....Got to the counter, went to pay, counter man said "I'm of Polish descent and I don't appreciate Pollack jokes" ...Cajun said "Pizze upon you Polack, Ya'll tell Koonazz jokes" Pollack follered us outside, cussin' raisin' hell , then he pulled a razor....I like to have LIT his azz up right quick till I looked around and seen he didn't have any where to plug it up....."

[boge]

Ole was hunting geese up in the slough.
He leaned the old 12 gauge against the corner of the blind to take a leak.
As luck would have it, the foolish dog knocks the gun over,
it goes off and Ole took most of an ounce of buckshot in the
groin. Several hours later, lying in a Duluth hospital bed, he
comes to and there is his doctor, Sven.

"Vell Ole, I got some good news and some bad news.
The good news is dat yur gonna be OK. The damage was local to yur
groin, there vas very little internal damage, and ve were able to
remove all of the buckshot".

"Vat's the bad news?" asks Ole.

"The bad news is dat there vas some pretty extensive
buckshot damage done ta yur poor old veener.
I'm gonna have ta refer you ta my sister, Lena.
"Vell, I guess dat isn't too bad," says Ole.
"Is your sis a plastic surgeon?
" Not zactly," Sven says. "She's a flute player in
the Minnesota Symphony Orchestra. "
She's a gonna teach ya vare to put yur fingers sos ya don't
pee in yur eye."

[DAVE ROELLE]

priceless

[Gussy]

A guy was in Cabelas gun room looking at an original Sharps. He bent over to touch in when he passed some gas. He looked around and right behind him stood a salesman. The sales man asked if was interested and the guy said yes.... The sales says" if just touching caused you to fart, your gonna' sh*t when you hear the price"

[battleship gunner]

2 guys are walking down the road when they come upon a large dog licking his meat and the first guy says boy I sure wish I could do that and the second guy says maybe you should see if he'll let you pet him first.

Frank

[boge]

Dear Abby,

I've never written to you before, but I really need your advice on what could be a crucial decision.



I've suspected for some time now that my wife has been cheating on me. The usual signs...phone rings, but if I answer, the caller hangs up. My wife has been going out with the girls a lot recently, although when I ask their names she always says, "Just some friends from work, you don't know them."



I sometimes stay awake to look out for her cab coming home, but she always comes walking up the drive as I hear the sound of a car leaving, around the corner, as if she has gotten out and walked the rest of the way. Why? Maybe she wasn't in a taxi at all?



I once picked up her cell phone, just to see what time it was. This caused her to go completely berserk. She quickly snatched the phone out of my hand and cursed me hysterically, screaming that I should never touch her personal property, then accused me of trying to spy on her.



Anyway, I have never broached the subject with my wife. I think deep down I just didn't want to know the truth, but last night she went out again and I decided to really check on her. I decided I was going to park my Harley Davidson Lowrider next to the garage and then hide behind it so I could get a good view of the street around the corner when she came home. It was at that moment, crouching behind my motorcycle that I noticed a small amount of motor oil leaking through the gasket between the rear head and rocker arm cover.



So...is this something I can easily repair myself or do you think I should take it back to the dealer?

[johnl]

[montana charlie]

Wow! My new neighbor is drop-dead gorgeous!

She's single...
She lives right across the road.
I can see her place from my deck.

I watched as she got home from work this evening.

I was surprised when she walked across the street and up my driveway and
knocked on my door.

I rushed to open it, she looks at me and says,
"I just got home, and I am so aroused! I have this strong urge to have a good
time, get drunk, and get randy all night long!
Are you busy tonight?"

I quickly replied, "Nope, I'm free, I have no plans at all!"

She said, "Great!
Could you watch my dog while I'm gone?"

[TexasMac]

See an American sniper in action.

[TexasMac]

See an American sniper in action.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gEv_xlkSInA

Wayne

[boge]

[TexasMac]

We had a power outage at my place this morning and my PC, laptop, TV, DVD, iPad & my new surround sound music system were all shut down.

Then I discovered that my iPhone battery was flat and to top it off it was raining outside so I couldn't go to the shooting range.

So I went into the kitchen to make coffee and then I remembered that this also needs power so I talked with my wife for a few hours.

She seems like a nice person.

Wayne

[boge]

A Quiet Romantic Valentines Dinner

A man and a woman were having a quiet, romantic dinner in a fine restaurant, on Valentines day.

They were gazing lovingly at each other and holding hands. The waitress, taking another order at a table a few steps away, suddenly noticed the woman slowly sliding down her chair and under the table - but the man stared straight ahead.

The waitress watched as the woman slid all the way down her chair and out of sight under the table. Still, the man stared straight ahead.

The waitress, thinking this behavior a bit risque and worried that it might offend other diners, went over to the table and, tactfully, began by saying to the man: "Pardon me, sir, but I think your wife just slid under the table."

The man calmly looked up at her and said: ................."No, she didn't. She just walked in."

[TexasMac]

I stole this off the ASSRA forum knowing you guys would appreciate it here also.

http://safeshare.tv/w/GnFzeOCVZF

Wayne