Joke of the Day

[jackrabbit]

Splinters in her crotch (clean joke)

A woman from Los Angeles who was a tree-hugging, liberal Democrat and an
anti-hunter purchased a piece of timberland near Colville , WA . There was
a large tree on one of the highest points in the tract. She wanted a good
view of the natural splendor of her land so she started to climb the big
tree.

As she neared the top she encountered a spotted owl that attacked her. In
her haste to escape, the woman slid down the tree to the ground and got
many splinters in her crotch. In considerable pain, she hurried to a local
ER to see a doctor. She told him she was an environmentalist, a Democrat,
and an anti-hunter and how she came to get all the splinters.

The doctor listened to her story with great patience and then told her to
go wait in the examining room and he would see if he could help her. She
sat and waited three hours before the doctor reappeared.

The angry woman demanded, "What took so long?" He smiled and then told her,
"Well, I had to get permits from the Environmental Protection Agency, the
Forest Service, and the Bureau of Land Management before I could remove
old-growth timber from a 'recreational area' so close to a waste treatment
facility. I'm sorry, but due to Obama-care they turned you down."

[TexasMac]

[JCP]

The Affordable Boat Act :

The U.S. government has just passed a new law called: "The affordable boat act" declaring that every citizen MUST purchase a new boat, by April 2014. These "affordable" boats will cost an average of $54,000-$155,000 each. This does not include taxes, trailers, towing fees, licensing and registration fees, fuel, docking and storage fees, maintenance or repair costs.

This law has been passed, because until now, typically only wealthy and financially responsible people have been able to purchase boats. This new law ensures that every American can now have a "affordable" boat of their own, because everyone is "entitled" to a new boat. If you purchase your boat before the end of the year, you will receive 4 "free" life jackets; not including monthly usage fees.

In order to make sure everyone purchases an affordable boat, the costs of owning a boat will increase on average of 250-400% per year. This way, wealthy people will pay more for something that other people don't want or can't afford to maintain. But to be fair, people who can’t afford to maintain their boat will be regularly fined and children (under the age of 26) can use their parents boats to party on until they turn 27; then must purchase their own boat.

If you already have a boat, you can keep yours (just kidding; no you can't). If you don't want or don't need a boat, you are required to buy one anyhow. If you refuse to buy one or can’t afford one, you will be regularly fined $800 until you purchase one or face imprisonment.

Failure to use the boat will also result in fines. People living in the desert; ghettos; inner cities or areas with no access to lakes are not exempt. Age, motion sickness, experience, knowledge nor lack of desire are acceptable excuses for not using your boat.

A government review board (that doesn't know the difference between the port, starboard or stern of a boat) will decide everything, including; when, where, how often and for what purposes you can use your boat along with how many people can ride your boat and determine if one is too old or healthy enough to be able to use their boat. They will also decide if your boat has out lived its usefulness or if you must purchase specific accessories(like a $500 compass), or a newer and more expensive boat.

Those that can afford yachts will be required to do so... it’s only fair. The government will also decide the name for each boat. Failure to comply with these rules will result in fines and possible imprisonment.

Government officials are exempt from this new law. If they want a boat, they and their families can obtain boats free, at the expense of tax payers. Unions, bankers and mega companies with large political affiliations ($$$) are also exempt.

[Frank Savage]

"Sheriff! SHERIFF!! arest me, under guards and permanent supervision, to Alcatraz at least! Immediately, NOW! I´ve just fired a round at my wife!"
"No arest, it could have been a primer too sensitive, broken part or some add-up of slight mishaps, nothing serious, happens all the time. But sit here and let´s have talk about it, to calm down sir. Actually, did you hit her?"
"GROOAAAN! Not well enought!"

[boge]

Perspectives....

A doctor from France says:"In France , the medicine is so advanced that we cut off a man's testicles; we put them into another man, and in 6 weeks he is looking for work."

A German doctor comments quietly : "That's nothing, in Germany we take part of the brain out of a person; we put it into another person head, and in 4 weeks he is looking for work."

A Russian doctor says boasting :"That's nothing either. In Russia we take out half of the heart from a person; we put it into another person's chest, and in 2 weeks he is looking for work."

The U.S. doctor laughs and answers loudly immediately: "That's nothing my colleagues, you are way behind us....in the USA , about 5 years ago, we grabbed a person from Kenya with no brains, no heart, and no balls....we made him President of the United States, and now....... the whole damn country is looking for work

[SSShooter]

100 MPH GOAT

Two Montana rednecks are out hunting, and as they are walking along they come upon a huge hole in the ground.

They approach and are amazed at the size of it.

The first hunter says, "Wow, that's some hole; I can't even see the bottom. I wonder how deep it is!"

The second hunter says," I don't know. Let's throw somethin' down there and listen to see how long it takes to hit bottom."

The first hunter says, "Hey, there's an old automobile transmission over there. Give me a hand, we'll throw it in and see."

So they pick it up and carry it over and count one, two, three and heave it In the hole.

They are standing there listening, looking over the edge when they hear a rustling behind them. As they turn around, they see a goat come crashing through the
underbrush, run up to the hole and, without hesitation, jump headfirst into the hole.

While they are standing there staring at each other in amazement and peering into the hole trying to figure out what that was all about, an old farmer saunters up.

"Hey there," says the farmer, "you fellers didn't happen to see my goat around here anywhere, did you?"

The first hunter says, "Funny you should ask. We were just standing here a minute ago and a goat came running out of the bushes doin' bout a hunnert miles an
hour and jumped head first into this here hole!"

The old farmer said, "Naw, that's impossible! I had him chained to a transmission."

[TexasMac]

Bill Clinton started jogging near his home in Chappaqua.

But on each run he happened to jog past a hooker standing on the same street corner, day after day.

With some apprehension he would brace himself as he approached her for what was most certainly to follow.

"Fifty dollars!" she would cry out from the curb.

"No, Five dollars!"
fired back Clinton. This ritual between Bill and the hooker continued for days.

He'd run by and she'd yell, "Fifty dollars!"

And he'd yell back, "Five dollars!"

One day however, Hillary decided that she wanted to accompany her husband on his jog!

As the jogging couple neared the problematic street corner, Bill realized the "pro" would bark her $50 offer and Hillary would wonder what he'd really been doing on all his past outings.

He realized he should have a darn good explanation for the Secretary of State.

As they jogged into the turn that would take them past the corner, Bill became even more apprehensive than usual.

Sure enough, there was the hooker!

Bill tried to avoid the prostitute's eyes as she watched the pair jog past.

Then, from the sidewalk, the hooker yelled...
See what you get for five bucks!?"

[boge]

Nancy Pelosi called Harry Reid into her office one day and said, "Harry, I have a plan to win back Middle America in 2014!"

"Great Nancy, but how?" asked Harry.

"We'll get some cheesy clothes and shoes, like most Middle Class Americans wear, then stop at the pound and pick up a Labrador retriever. Then, we'll go to a nice old country bar in Montana and show them how much admiration and respect we have for the hard working people living there."

So they did, and found just the place they were looking for in Bozeman, Montana. With the dog in tow, they walked inside and stepped up to the bar.

The Bartender took a step back and said, "Hey! Aren't you Harry Reid and Nancy Pelosi?"

"Yes we are!" said Nancy, "And what a lovely town you have here. We were passing through and Harry suggested we stop and take in some local color.

They ordered a round of drinks for the whole bar, and started chatting up a storm with anyone who would listen.

A few minutes later, a grizzled old rancher came in, walked up to the Labrador, lifted up its tail, looked underneath, shrugged his shoulders and walked out. A few moments later, in came another old rancher. He walked up to the dog, lifted up its tail, looked underneath, scratched his head and left the bar.

For the next hour, another dozen ranchers came in, lifted the dog's tail, and left shaking their heads.

Finally, Nancy asked, "Why did all those old ranchers come in and look under the dog's tail? Is it some sort of custom?"

"Heavens no," said the bartender. "Someone's out there running around town, claiming there's a Labrador retriever in here with two *** holes!"

[Frank Savage]

"I was always of opinion that kids and animals does not belong into showbussines. Especialy it´s porn branch."

[TexasMac]

A mother and her 5 yr. old son were flying Southwest Airlines from Kansas City to Chicago. The son. who had been looking out the window, turned to his mother and asked, "If big dogs have baby dogs and big cats have baby cats, why don't big planes have baby planes?"

The mother, who couldn't think of an answer, told her son to ask the stewardess.

So the boy walks to the galley and asks the stewardess, "If big dogs have baby dogs and big cats have baby cats, why don't big planes have baby planes?"

The stewardess responded, "Did your mother tell you to ask me?"

The boy said, "Yes, she did...."

"Well, then, tell your mother that there are no baby planes because Southwest always pulls out on time. Have your mother explain that to you."

[TexasMac]

I stole this off another site.
=======================

A dog lover, whose dog was a female and "in heat', agreed to look after her neighbor`s male dog while the neighbors were on vacation. She had a large house and believed that she could keep the two dogs apart.

However, as she was drifting off to sleep she heard awful howling and moaning sounds, rushed downstairs and found the dogs locked together, in obvious pain and unable to disengage, as so frequently happens when dogs mate.

Unable to separate them, and perplexed as to what to do next, although it was late, she called the vet, who answered in a very grumpy voice.

Having explained the problem to him, the vet said, "Hang up the phone and place it down alongside the dogs. I will then call you back and the noise of the ringing will make the male lose his erection and he will be able to withdraw."

"Do you think that will work?" she asked.

"Just worked for me," he replied.

[boge]

[32ideal]

boge these two Have to be Brothers, Right?

[45bpcr]

Researchers for the Massachusetts Turnpike Authority found
over 200 dead crows near greater Boston recently, and there
was concern that they may have died from Avian Flu. A Bird
Pathologist examined the remains of all the crows, and, to
everyone's relief, confirmed the problem was definitely NOT
Avian Flu. The cause of death appeared to be vehicular impacts.

However, during the detailed analysis it was noted that varying
colors of paints appeared on the bird's beaks and claws. By
analyzing these paint residues it was determined that 98% of the
crows had been killed by impact with trucks, while only 2% were
killed by an impact with a car.

MTA then hired an Ornithological Behaviorist to determine if
there was a cause for the disproportionate percentages of truck
kills versus car kills.

The Ornithological Behaviorist very quickly concluded the cause:
when crows eat road kill, they always have a look-out crow in a
nearby tree to warn of impending danger. They discovered that
while all the lookout crows could shout "Cah", not a single one
could shout "Truck."
Absolutely amazing!

Craig

[TexasMac]

Night Befo Crizzmus

Wus da night afo' Crizzmus, and all thru da hood,
erybody be sleepin' and da sleepin' be good.
We hunged up our stockins, an hoped like all heck,
dat dear Ol' Obama's, gunna brang us our checks.

All of da family, was ly'in on the flow,
my sister wif her gurlfriend, and my brother wif some hoe.
Ashtrays was all full, empty beer cans and all
when I heared such a fuss, I thunk...."Sh'eet, it must be da law".

I pulled the sheet off da windoe and what I'ze could see,
I was spectin' the sherrif, wif a warrent fo' me.
But what I'ze could see, made me say, "Laaawd look at dat".
Dere was a huge watermelon, pulled by 8 big-ass rats.

Now over all of da years, Santy Claws he be white,
but it looks like us brotha's, got a black un' tonight.
Faster than a poe'lice car, my homeboy he came,
and whupped up on dem rats, as he called dem by name.

On Biden, On Jessie, On Polosi and Hillary Who
On Fannie, On Freddi, On Ayers, and Slick Willy too.
Obama landed dat melon, right there in da street,
I knowed it fo' sho', - can you believe that sh*t!.

Dat Santy didn't need no chimney, he picked da lock on my doe,
an I sez to myself, "Son o' bitch...he don did dis befoe"!
He had a big bag, full of presents - at first I suspeck?
Wif "Air Jordans" and fake gold, to wear roun my neck.

But he left me no presents, just started stealin my sh*t.
He got my guns and my crack, and my new burglers kit.
Den, wif my crap in his bag, out da windoe he flew,
I sho' woulda shanked him, be he snagged my knife too.

He jumped back on dat melon, wif out even a hitch,
and waz gone in two seconds, "democrat son of a bi*ch".
So nex year I be hopin', a white Santy we git,
'cause a black Santy Claws, just ain't worf a sh*t!!!!