Re: Joke of the Day
Posted: Fri May 15, 2020 7:40 pm
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Joke of the Day
Page 59 of 67
Re: Joke of the Day
Posted: Wed May 20, 2020 2:49 pm
Re: Joke of the Day
Posted: Fri May 22, 2020 5:40 pm
When you're over Seventy
I was standing at the bar at the VFW one night minding my own business.
This FAT ugly chick came up behind me, grabbed my behind and said,
"You're kinda cute. You gotta phone number?"
I said, "Yeah, you gotta pen?"
She said, "Yeah, I got a pen".
I said, "You better get back in it before the farmer misses you."
Cost me 6 stitches . . . but when you’re seventy -- who cares?
**********
I went to the drug store and told the clerk "Give me 3 packets of condoms, please."
Lady Clerk: "Do you need a paper bag with that, sir?”
I said "Nah -- She's pretty good lookin' . . . . . . "
When you’re seventy -- who cares?
***********
I was talking to a young woman in the VFW last night.
She said, "If you lost a few pounds, had a shave and got your hair cut, you'd look all right.”
I said, “If I did that, I'd be talking to your friends over there instead of you.”
Cost me a fat lip, but when you’re seventy -- who cares?
**********
I was telling a woman in the Club about my ability to guess what day a woman was born just by feeling her breasts.
"Really" she said, "Go on then . . . try."
After about thirty seconds of fondling she began to lose patience and said, "Come on, what day was I born?"
I said, "Yesterday."
Cost me a kick in the nuts, but when you’re seventy -- who cares?
*********
I got caught taking a pee in the swimming pool today. The lifeguard shouted at me so loud, I nearly fell in.
When you’re seventy -- who cares?
**********
I went to our VFW last night and saw a BIG woman dancing on a table.
I said, "Good legs."
The girl giggled and said, "Do you really think so?"
I said, "Definitely! Most tables would have collapsed by now."
Cost me 6 more stitches, but when you’re seventy -- who cares?
"Count your life by smiles, not tears, count your age by friends, not years, and remember we do not quit playing because we grow old -- we grow old because we quit playing".
“Guns are a lot like parachutes, if you need one and don't have one, you'll probably never need one again"
I was standing at the bar at the VFW one night minding my own business.
This FAT ugly chick came up behind me, grabbed my behind and said,
"You're kinda cute. You gotta phone number?"
I said, "Yeah, you gotta pen?"
She said, "Yeah, I got a pen".
I said, "You better get back in it before the farmer misses you."
Cost me 6 stitches . . . but when you’re seventy -- who cares?
**********
I went to the drug store and told the clerk "Give me 3 packets of condoms, please."
Lady Clerk: "Do you need a paper bag with that, sir?”
I said "Nah -- She's pretty good lookin' . . . . . . "
When you’re seventy -- who cares?
***********
I was talking to a young woman in the VFW last night.
She said, "If you lost a few pounds, had a shave and got your hair cut, you'd look all right.”
I said, “If I did that, I'd be talking to your friends over there instead of you.”
Cost me a fat lip, but when you’re seventy -- who cares?
**********
I was telling a woman in the Club about my ability to guess what day a woman was born just by feeling her breasts.
"Really" she said, "Go on then . . . try."
After about thirty seconds of fondling she began to lose patience and said, "Come on, what day was I born?"
I said, "Yesterday."
Cost me a kick in the nuts, but when you’re seventy -- who cares?
*********
I got caught taking a pee in the swimming pool today. The lifeguard shouted at me so loud, I nearly fell in.
When you’re seventy -- who cares?
**********
I went to our VFW last night and saw a BIG woman dancing on a table.
I said, "Good legs."
The girl giggled and said, "Do you really think so?"
I said, "Definitely! Most tables would have collapsed by now."
Cost me 6 more stitches, but when you’re seventy -- who cares?
"Count your life by smiles, not tears, count your age by friends, not years, and remember we do not quit playing because we grow old -- we grow old because we quit playing".
“Guns are a lot like parachutes, if you need one and don't have one, you'll probably never need one again"
Re: Joke of the Day
Posted: Tue May 26, 2020 7:49 am
Re: Joke of the Day
Posted: Tue May 26, 2020 10:54 am
I thought who was on first?
Re: Joke of the Day
Posted: Tue May 26, 2020 7:37 pm
CALLER:
Is this Gordon's Pizza?
GOOGLE:
No sir, it's Google Pizza.
CALLER:
I must have dialed a wrong number. Sorry.
GOOGLE:
No sir, Google bought Gordon’s Pizza last month.
CALLER:
OK. I would like to order a pizza.
GOOGLE:
Do you want your usual, sir?
CALLER:
My usual? You know me?
GOOGLE:
According to our caller ID data sheet, the last 12 times you called you ordered an extra-large pizza with three cheeses, sausage, pepperoni, mushrooms and meatballs on a thick crust.
CALLER:
OK! That’s what I want ...
GOOGLE:
May I suggest that this time you order a pizza with ricotta, arugula, sun-dried tomatoes and olives on a whole wheat gluten-free thin crust?
CALLER:
What? I detest vegetable!
GOOGLE:
Your cholesterol is not good, sir.
CALLER:
How the hell do you know!
GOOGLE:
Well, we cross-referenced your home phone number with your medical records. We have the result of your blood tests for the last 7 years.
CALLER:
Okay, but I do not want your rotten vegetable pizza! I already take medication for my cholesterol.
GOOGLE:
Excuse me sir, but you have not taken your medication regularly. According to our database, you purchased only box of 30 cholesterol tablets once, at Drug RX Network, 4 months ago.
CALLER:
I bought more from another drugstore.
GOOGLE:
That doesn’t show on your credit card statement.
CALLER:
I paid in cash.
GOOGLE:
But you did not withdraw enough cash according to your bank statement.
CALLER:
I have other sources of cash.
GOOGLE:
That doesn’t show on your last tax return unless you bought them using an undeclared income source, which is against the law.
CALLER:
WHAT THE HELL!
GOOGLE:
I'm sorry, sir, we use such information only with the sole intention of helping you.
CALLER:
Enough already! I'm sick to death of Google, Facebook, Twitter, WhatsApp and all the others. I'm going to an island without internet, cable TV, where there is no cell phone service and no one to watch me or spy on me.
GOOGLE:
I understand sir, but you need to renew your passport first. It expired 6 weeks ago...
Is this Gordon's Pizza?
GOOGLE:
No sir, it's Google Pizza.
CALLER:
I must have dialed a wrong number. Sorry.
GOOGLE:
No sir, Google bought Gordon’s Pizza last month.
CALLER:
OK. I would like to order a pizza.
GOOGLE:
Do you want your usual, sir?
CALLER:
My usual? You know me?
GOOGLE:
According to our caller ID data sheet, the last 12 times you called you ordered an extra-large pizza with three cheeses, sausage, pepperoni, mushrooms and meatballs on a thick crust.
CALLER:
OK! That’s what I want ...
GOOGLE:
May I suggest that this time you order a pizza with ricotta, arugula, sun-dried tomatoes and olives on a whole wheat gluten-free thin crust?
CALLER:
What? I detest vegetable!
GOOGLE:
Your cholesterol is not good, sir.
CALLER:
How the hell do you know!
GOOGLE:
Well, we cross-referenced your home phone number with your medical records. We have the result of your blood tests for the last 7 years.
CALLER:
Okay, but I do not want your rotten vegetable pizza! I already take medication for my cholesterol.
GOOGLE:
Excuse me sir, but you have not taken your medication regularly. According to our database, you purchased only box of 30 cholesterol tablets once, at Drug RX Network, 4 months ago.
CALLER:
I bought more from another drugstore.
GOOGLE:
That doesn’t show on your credit card statement.
CALLER:
I paid in cash.
GOOGLE:
But you did not withdraw enough cash according to your bank statement.
CALLER:
I have other sources of cash.
GOOGLE:
That doesn’t show on your last tax return unless you bought them using an undeclared income source, which is against the law.
CALLER:
WHAT THE HELL!
GOOGLE:
I'm sorry, sir, we use such information only with the sole intention of helping you.
CALLER:
Enough already! I'm sick to death of Google, Facebook, Twitter, WhatsApp and all the others. I'm going to an island without internet, cable TV, where there is no cell phone service and no one to watch me or spy on me.
GOOGLE:
I understand sir, but you need to renew your passport first. It expired 6 weeks ago...
Re: Joke of the Day
Posted: Sat May 30, 2020 8:52 am
A plane had five passengers on board: Donald Trump, the Pope, Dr. Fauci, Hillary Clinton, and a ten year old school girl. The plane is about to crash and there are only four parachutes.
Dr. Fauci said, "I need one, I have to help develop a cure for the global health crisis that is COVID-19!" He straps on a parachute and jumps.
The Pope said, "I need one, I have to help spiritually guide people through the COVID-19 global health crisis!" He takes one and jumps.
Hillary said, "I need one, I'm the smartest women in the United States." She takes one and jumps.
President Trump pauses for a moment and then turns to the ten year old. After a deep sigh, he says tenderly, "You can have the last chute. I've lived my life, yours is only starting."
Dr. Fauci said, "I need one, I have to help develop a cure for the global health crisis that is COVID-19!" He straps on a parachute and jumps.
The Pope said, "I need one, I have to help spiritually guide people through the COVID-19 global health crisis!" He takes one and jumps.
Hillary said, "I need one, I'm the smartest women in the United States." She takes one and jumps.
President Trump pauses for a moment and then turns to the ten year old. After a deep sigh, he says tenderly, "You can have the last chute. I've lived my life, yours is only starting."
Re: Joke of the Day
Posted: Sat May 30, 2020 12:30 pm
I think Hillary jumped with the 10 year old's back pack
Re: Joke of the Day
Posted: Sat May 30, 2020 5:31 pm
Trump giving the parachute up is hilarious!
Re: Joke of the Day
Posted: Sat May 30, 2020 5:59 pm
You screwed that one up Wayne.
Then the little girl told Trump "You can have the last parachute, Hillary jumped with my backpack"
Then the little girl told Trump "You can have the last parachute, Hillary jumped with my backpack"
Re: Joke of the Day
Posted: Sat May 30, 2020 8:56 pm
John,
Yup, I sure did. Here's the complete joke with the punch line that was missing:
==========================================
A plane had five passengers on board: Donald Trump, the Pope, Dr. Fauci, Hillary Clinton, and a ten year old school girl. The plane is about to crash and there are only four parachutes.
Dr. Fauci said, "I need one, I have to help develop a cure for the global health crisis that is COVID-19!" He straps on a parachute and jumps.
The Pope said, "I need one, I have to help spiritually guide people through the COVID-19 global health crisis!" He takes one and jumps.
Hillary said, "I need one, I'm the smartest women in the United States." She takes one and jumps.
President Trump pauses for a moment and then turns to the ten year old. After a deep sigh, he says tenderly, "You can have the last chute. I've lived my life, yours is only starting."
The child replies , "Don't worry, there are two parachutes left. The smartest women in the United States took my school backpack and jumped.
Re: Joke of the Day
Posted: Sun Jun 14, 2020 3:48 pm
Restaurant sign:
Soup of the day:
Whiskey with ice croutons!!
Soup of the day:
Whiskey with ice croutons!!
Re: Joke of the Day
Posted: Tue Jun 16, 2020 6:36 pm
Re: Joke of the Day
Posted: Wed Jun 24, 2020 7:22 am
An elderly couple was attending church services.
About halfway through she leans over and says to her husband.
"I just let out a silent fart. What do you think I should do?"
He replies "Put a new battery in your hearing aid"
About halfway through she leans over and says to her husband.
"I just let out a silent fart. What do you think I should do?"
He replies "Put a new battery in your hearing aid"
Re: Joke of the Day
Posted: Mon Jun 29, 2020 9:27 pm
Toward the end of the golf course, Harry somehow managed to hit his ball into the woods finding it in a patch of pretty yellow buttercups. Trying to get his ball back in play, he ended up thrashing just about every buttercup in the patch.
All of a sudden, in a flash and puff of smoke, a little old woman appeared.
She said "I'm Mother Nature! Do you know how long it took me to make those buttercups? Just for that, you won't have any butter for your popcorn the rest of your life; better still; you won't have any butter for your toast for the rest of your life... as a matter of fact, you won't have any butter for anything the rest of your life!"
Then POOF! she was gone.
After Harry got a hold of himself, he hollered for his friend Fred.
"Fred, where are you?" Fred yells back "I'm over here, in the pussy willows".
Harry yells back... "DON'T SWING, FRED!! For God's sake, DON'T SWING!!"
All of a sudden, in a flash and puff of smoke, a little old woman appeared.
She said "I'm Mother Nature! Do you know how long it took me to make those buttercups? Just for that, you won't have any butter for your popcorn the rest of your life; better still; you won't have any butter for your toast for the rest of your life... as a matter of fact, you won't have any butter for anything the rest of your life!"
Then POOF! she was gone.
After Harry got a hold of himself, he hollered for his friend Fred.
"Fred, where are you?" Fred yells back "I'm over here, in the pussy willows".
Harry yells back... "DON'T SWING, FRED!! For God's sake, DON'T SWING!!"